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- David Brent: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went 'Mr Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?' Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish.
- David Brent: This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can't do it, go on, do it
- Sanj: I don't, must be someone else
- David Brent: Oh, sorry, it's the other one...
- Sanj: The other what... Paki?
- David Brent: Ah, that's racist.
- [Tim as a joke has put Gareth's stapler in a jelly]
- Gareth: Tim's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time.
- David Brent: Why has he done that?
- Gareth: I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.
- David Brent: Yeah. You showed him a weakness - he pounced. You should know about that... What is in there?
- Gareth: It's my stapler.
- [Gareth plunges his hand in to fish out the stapler]
- David Brent: Well, don't do that... eat it out. There's people starving in the world, which I hate... and it's a waste so... How do you know it's yours?
- Gareth: It's got my name on it in Tipp-Ex.
- David Brent: Okay, don't eat it now then... chemicals.
- David Brent: This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of 'em. Especially that one, he's mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. Last place you'd want someone like that is in accounts...
- David Brent: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went 'Mr Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?' Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish.
- [Tim snatches Gareth's stapler and holds it out the window]
- Tim: You stay where you are okay? I'm gonna let go, right, unless you stop acting like a fool.
- Gareth: Well, you won't, so...
- Tim: Well, I have, so...
- [Time drops the Stapler out the window]
- Gareth: What if that kills someone?
- Tim: Kills somebody? Umm, well, they'll think you're the murderer. It's got your name on it.
- Gareth: Why would a murderer put his name on the murder weapon?
- Tim: To stop people borrowing it?
- Gareth: David.
- Tim: I hate the fact that you bring me down to this; really I do, I resent it.
- Gareth: I'm not worried for me, I'll be all right, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that's just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn't survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can't see over the top, he's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don't get me wrong, Anton's a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?
- David Brent: I haven't got a sign on the door that says 'white people only'. I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow - Orientals make very good workers.
- David Brent: If a good man comes to me, and says thank you David, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I've done that, I wanna better myself, I wanna move on, then I can make that dream come true, to, AKA, for you.
- David Brent: I'm going to have to let you go first.
- Dawn: What? Why?
- David Brent: Why? Stealing. Thieving.
- Dawn: Thieving? What am I meant to have stolen?
- David Brent: Post-It notes.
- [Tim builds a wall of boxes between his and Gareth's desk]
- Tim: I don't like acting like a kid, do you know what I mean? But he's a bit...
- Gareth: What are you doing?
- Tim: I don't actually want to have to look at you, Gareth.
- Gareth: You can't do that.
- Tim: Why not?
- Gareth: Health and Safety.
- Tim: Health and Safety. Erm, why? Crushed by Cardboard, or what?
- Gareth: No, number one: blocking out light. Number two: misuse of company files.
- Tim: Misuse of files? Yeah, see this is why the whole redundancy thing doesn't bother me. If I have to work with him another day, right, I'm just going to, I will... I will slit my throat.
- [Mimes a throat slitting action]
- Gareth: Yeah, you won't do it like that, though. You'd get the knife in behind the windpipe, then pull it down like that.
- Gareth: Just the eight pints for me last night, then. Oh, no! "Team leader and boss in drunken night out." Shock! horror! Going out with Oggy tomorrow night, then. That'll be be a quiet night in at the library... not!