Al: I don't know what's real anymore... When I was young, my mother told me Santa Claus was real. But when I got older- she told me he wasn't. One book says Jesus is real: one book says he isn't. We're living in the greatest country in the world! and we're murdering each other in the streets. What did they expect when they made us believe in the tooth fairy and the easter bunny then gave us the nuclear bomb to play with... Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle is a lie like all the rest, the astronauts killed the man in the moon, growing up took care of the rest.
Harry Stone: Dan, Al doesn't talk to people.
Dan Fielding: Oh.
Dan Fielding: Nice blinking with you.
Harry Stone: [Al wants a noogie. Harry obliges followed by a blank expression from Al] It's worth it just to see your face light up like that.
Judge Harrison Kemp: Just who are you restraining, Mister?
Harry Stone: It's not Mister, it's Judge Harold T. Stone.
Judge Harrison Kemp: Do you expect me to believe a man who wears a tie like that?
Judge Harrison Kemp: [Al rubs the judge's head] Let the record show I was... noogied.
Dan Fielding: [after confessing he destroyed Harry's collection of Mel Torme albums] Harry, here it is in a nutshell. Mel Torme is in your office right now! He wanted to leave but I couldn't let him, so I locked him up with your trick shackles!
Harry Stone: I don't have any trick shackles. Those are real, and I don't have a key!
Dan Fielding: Oh! Then I just managed to kidnap a well known jazz artist. Gotta go, bye!