Alan B'Stard doesn't balk at the Balkans.



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Episode credited cast:
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
John Challis ...
Gen. Giray
Don Henderson ...
Brigadier Miljanic
John Warnaby ...
Auctioneer (voice)
Belinda Howell
Leslie Williamson ...


B'stard purchases at auction the yacht belonging to the late media tycoon and fraudster Robert Maxwell, using it to transport humanitarian aid to the war in Bosnia. On arrival, however, it transpires that there is an ulterior motive to his charity. Maxwell is still alive and hiding in Bosnia and will pay B'stard to smuggle him out on the boat. After paying a million pounds to both the warring factions for a truce B'stard decides to leave Maxwell behind and sets sail with the crate containing the money Maxwell is paying him. Once at sea however he discovers that there is no money in the crate - only Maxwell, who has duped him and left him out of pocket following the bribes he paid the Bosnians. So B'stard pushes him and the crate overboard. Written by don @ minifie-1

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Release Date:

20 December 1992 (UK)  »

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User Reviews

Alan becomes peace maker!
5 June 2011 | by (Ambrosia) – See all my reviews

One of the better Season 4 episodes, but still well below the standards of earlier shows.

Alan has bought at auction 'Lady Ghislaine', the yacht belonging to the corrupt businessman Robert Maxwell ( who drowned in 1991 ). Aboard is Maxwell himself. Having faked his death to escape his collapsing empire, he plans to hide out on an island in Hawaii with the money he stole from Mirror Group pensioners. Alan is offered a tidy share if he takes him there. En route the yacht gets caught in a war between opposing factions - one led by Brigadier Miljanic ( the late tough guy actor Don Henderson ) and General Giray ( John 'Boycie' Challis ). To broker a peace settlement, Alan agrees to the Brigadier's request that he sleep with Sarah...

'The man who saved The Daily Mirror' was how that paper described its late boss the day after his body was found. The reaction to his passing was initially one of respect ( the B.B.C.'s 'What The Papers Say' ran its closing credits over a picture of Cap'n Bob in mournful silence ). Even Anne 'The Weakest Link' Robinson - then a Mirror columnist - wrote a moving eulogy that ended with: "He enriched many lives. Mine was one of them.". She and other people were left with egg on their faces when, a short time later, the extent of his thefts became known. A feeding frenzy then erupted in the media. Never before in human history has one man's death been the cause of so much hilarity. There was even a 'Maxwell Is Dead' joke book published. Having been unable to savage Maxwell in print when he was alive - he was notoriously litigation-conscious - his enemies took the opportunity to do so when he was in no position to fight back. It will be interesting to see whether a similar frenzy occurs when Rupert Murdoch pops his clogs.

Clips of Maxwell are spliced into the scenes where he chats with Alan, but when hiding in a crate an actor - Leslie Williamson - is used.

Funniest moment - Brigadier Miljanic turning out to fancy Piers instead of Sarah!

On an unrelated note - R.I.P. Miriam Karlin, 'Paddy' of 'The Rag Trade'.

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