Jodie Thompson: I'll bet you have nine boyfriends.
Melissa Strickland: No.
Jodie Thompson: Six.
Melissa Strickland: No.
Tom Servo: Three!
Melissa Strickland: None.
Tom Servo: Two! Let me change my answer!
Jodie Thompson: You're putting me on.
Melissa Strickland: It's just... we live on a walnut ranch.
Tom Servo: We don't raise boyfriends.
[the title "The Touch of Satan" appears]
Mike Nelson: The touch of Satan... softens your hands while you do the dishes.
Tom Servo: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.
Mike Nelson: I've said "Zah" in better places than this!
[a man is stabbed in the neck with a pitchfork]
Tom Servo: When sore throat pain strikes!
Mike Nelson: The "American Gothic" people take revenge.
Steffi: Almost finished storytime, then everyone goes to sleep.
Bobo: Uh, can I come out now?
Steffi: Shush! Bad dog! Go to sleep.
Steffi: Now where was I, Brian?
Observer: Oh, the tall fellow was repeatedly refusing to ingest green eggs and ham, the short fellow was bizarrely insistent upon it.
Steffi: Yes, very good. "I will not eat them in a plane. I will not eat them on a train..."
Observer: Train, right. Why doesn't he just leave him alone? He has pointedly made his refusal to eat this dish clear. The hypothetical changing of a location is irrelevant and tedious. And that Sam I Am is so bloody repetitive I could scream!
Steffi: Are we a little cranky, Brian?
Observer: No, madam, I am over-tired. So I shall turn in now. So if you wouldn't mind, please... My blankie... My nookie... And my friend. Ah, thank you kindly. Good morrow to you.
Bobo: Now me, I'd definitely eat them on a train...
Steffi: Quiet! No bark!
Bobo: ...There's no doubt they'd be perfectly delicious on a train. But a plane, I'd have to think about a plane. Maybe substitute bacon for ham sounds kinda nice. And maybe have a big...
[Steffi rolls up a magazine]
Bobo: Oh... Oh boy.
Steffi: [swatting Bobo] No bark!
Bobo: Ow! I'm not barking, I was just talking. Ow! I was commenting on the story. There was no barking involved at all!
Steffi: No! No bark!
Bobo: Ow! Ow! No, I'm not sure you see my point. Here, it's like this. Rather than barking, as you assumed, I was actually... Ow! C'mon! I'm talking, not...
Bobo: Ow! Ow!
Steffi: No bark!
Bobo: Ow! I'm not barking, I'm... Ow!
Steffi: Bad dog!
Bobo: I'm articulating... Ow! Geez! Ow!
Steffi: Bad dog!
Crow: Mike, I'm gonna look at your shoes for a while. It makes about as much sense.
Jodie Thompson: Does your father mind if I skip rocks across his pond?
Melissa Strickland: You'll have to ask him. Is that your car?
Jodie Thompson: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: [as Melissa] Mind if I skip rocks across it?
Mike Nelson: [touching music starts up] Hallmark Hall of Fame presents A Touch of Satan.
Tom Servo: [singing along to the cute music] Come sit with me and Satan too. He's your friend and mine.
Crow: [makes a train sound] Ding, ding, ding - that's the train going through your pause!
Melissa Strickland: Would you stay here?
Tom Servo: By this rock? And don't move?
Jodie Thompson: What?
Tom Servo: Stay here!
Mike Nelson: Huh?
Tom Servo: STAY HERE!
Mike Nelson: "The wicked man travailed all his days in pain," said Madeleine.
Jodie Thompson: Why is it so important that I believe in this devil of yours?
Mike Nelson: Well, I get a commission.
[as a police car drives down the road]
Crow: [using Barney Fife voice] Well, Andy, there was a demon in the car!
Tom Servo: [as the shack burns to the ground] You know, if the septic tank goes up, we're *all* in trouble...
Farmer: [upon hearing a meow] Is that you Robert?
Mike Nelson: Robert the cat?
Farmer: You should be in bed.
Crow: With Andrew the dog.
Crow: [after Jodie and Melissa have kissed and stare at one another meaningfully, as Jodie] Gah, that was really *bad*.
Tom Servo: [the choppy editing un-nerves the three] Maybe the editor got called out of the room a lot?
Bobo: You bet there's something wrong! The Lawgiver went on vacation and left us with... a babysitter. Look!
Steffi: Why won't you play with the blocks?
Observer: I don't want to play with blocks. It's insulting! I have an infinite intellect.
Steffi: I think you're a little crabby and you might need a time-out to think about it.
Observer: No, I can't stand time-outs. The silence! The desolation!
Steffi: Okay, are you going to play nice with the blocks?
Observer: Allright, Steffi. You win... this time.
Bobo: You see, it's horrible! And she calls me Fluffykins and treats me like an animal.
Steffi: Hey, did you chew this?
Bobo: Um... yes.
Steffi: No! No chew! No. God, man... There's hair everywhere!
Bobo: Please don't treat me like this. I'm a distinguished professor of anthropology from a future where apes evolved from men.
Steffi: No chew! Go lie down!
Bobo: Oh, Ok.
Tom Servo: Hm, signed copy of the Necromonican there.
Mike Nelson: "You guys scare me, ha ha ha. Signed, Satan."