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"Mystery Science Theater 3000" The Touch of Satan (TV Episode 1998) Poster

Quotes

[a man is stabbed in the neck with a pitchfork]

Tom Servo: When sore throat pain strikes!

Mike Nelson: The "American Gothic" people take revenge.

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[the title "The Touch of Satan" appears]

Mike Nelson: The touch of Satan... softens your hands while you do the dishes.

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Tom Servo: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.

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Mike Nelson: I've said "Zah" in better places than this!

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Jodie Thompson: I'll bet you have nine boyfriends.

Melissa Strickland: No.

Jodie Thompson: Six.

Melissa Strickland: No.

Tom Servo: Three!

Melissa Strickland: None.

Tom Servo: Two! Let me change my answer!

Jodie Thompson: You're putting me on.

Melissa Strickland: It's just... we live on a walnut ranch.

Tom Servo: We don't raise boyfriends.

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Steffi: Almost finished storytime, then everyone goes to sleep.

Bobo: Uh, can I come out now?

Steffi: Shush! Bad dog! Go to sleep.

Bobo: Okay.

Steffi: Now where was I, Brian?

Observer: Oh, the tall fellow was repeatedly refusing to ingest green eggs and ham, the short fellow was bizarrely insistent upon it.

Steffi: Yes, very good. "I will not eat them in a plane. I will not eat them on a train..."

Observer: Train, right. Why doesn't he just leave him alone? He has pointedly made his refusal to eat this dish clear. The hypothetical changing of a location is irrelevant and tedious. And that Sam I Am is so bloody repetitive I could scream!

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Steffi: Are we a little cranky, Brian?

Observer: No, madam, I am over-tired. So I shall turn in now. So if you wouldn't mind, please... My blankie... My nookie... And my friend. Ah, thank you kindly. Good morrow to you.

Steffi: Nighty-night.

Bobo: Now me, I'd definitely eat them on a train...

Steffi: Quiet! No bark!

Bobo: ...There's no doubt they'd be perfectly delicious on a train. But a plane, I'd have to think about a plane. Maybe substitute bacon for ham sounds kinda nice. And maybe have a big...

[Steffi rolls up a magazine]

Bobo: Oh... Oh boy.

Steffi: [swatting Bobo] No bark!

Bobo: Ow! I'm not barking, I was just talking. Ow! I was commenting on the story. There was no barking involved at all!

Steffi: No! No bark!

Bobo: Ow! Ow! No, I'm not sure you see my point. Here, it's like this. Rather than barking, as you assumed, I was actually... Ow! C'mon! I'm talking, not...

Steffi: No!

Bobo: Ow! Ow!

Steffi: No bark!

Bobo: Ow! I'm not barking, I'm... Ow!

Steffi: Bad dog!

Bobo: I'm articulating... Ow! Geez! Ow!

Steffi: Bad dog!

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Crow: Mike, I'm gonna look at your shoes for a while. It makes about as much sense.

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Mike Nelson: With David Spade as Satan, good casting.

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Jodie Thompson: Does your father mind if I skip rocks across his pond?

Melissa Strickland: You'll have to ask him. Is that your car?

Jodie Thompson: Yeah.

Mike Nelson: [as Melissa] Mind if I skip rocks across it?

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Mike Nelson: [touching music starts up] Hallmark Hall of Fame presents A Touch of Satan.

Tom Servo: [singing along to the cute music] Come sit with me and Satan too. He's your friend and mine.

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Luther Strickland: Hello.

Mike Nelson: I must agree with that.

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Crow: [makes a train sound] Ding, ding, ding - that's the train going through your pause!

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Crow: Is this the same pause or is this technically a sub pause?

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Melissa Strickland: Would you stay here?

Tom Servo: By this rock? And don't move?

Jodie Thompson: What?

Tom Servo: Stay here!

Mike Nelson: Huh?

Tom Servo: STAY HERE!

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Mike Nelson: "The wicked man travailed all his days in pain," said Madeleine.

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Crow: Our next pause is gonna be THIS BIG!

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Jodie Thompson: Why is it so important that I believe in this devil of yours?

Mike Nelson: Well, I get a commission.

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[as a police car drives down the road]

Crow: [using Barney Fife voice] Well, Andy, there was a demon in the car!

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Tom Servo: [as the shack burns to the ground] You know, if the septic tank goes up, we're *all* in trouble...

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Farmer: [upon hearing a meow] Is that you Robert?

Mike Nelson: Robert the cat?

Farmer: You should be in bed.

Crow: With Andrew the dog.

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Crow: [after Jodie and Melissa have kissed and stare at one another meaningfully, as Jodie] Gah, that was really *bad*.

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Tom Servo: [the choppy editing un-nerves the three] Maybe the editor got called out of the room a lot?

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Bobo: You bet there's something wrong! The Lawgiver went on vacation and left us with... a babysitter. Look!

Steffi: Why won't you play with the blocks?

Observer: I don't want to play with blocks. It's insulting! I have an infinite intellect.

Steffi: I think you're a little crabby and you might need a time-out to think about it.

Observer: No, I can't stand time-outs. The silence! The desolation!

Steffi: Okay, are you going to play nice with the blocks?

Observer: Allright, Steffi. You win... this time.

Bobo: You see, it's horrible! And she calls me Fluffykins and treats me like an animal.

Steffi: Hey, did you chew this?

Bobo: Um... yes.

Steffi: No! No chew! No. God, man... There's hair everywhere!

Bobo: Please don't treat me like this. I'm a distinguished professor of anthropology from a future where apes evolved from men.

Steffi: No chew! Go lie down!

Bobo: Oh, Ok.

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Tom Servo: I sure do love the yelling channel.

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Mike Nelson: Oh, man! If you can't trust the Devil!

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Tom Servo: Hm, signed copy of the Necromonican there.

Mike Nelson: "You guys scare me, ha ha ha. Signed, Satan."

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[as a police car arrives at the house]

Tom Servo: He's got two huge Sudafeds on top of his car.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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