Michael Kyle: [in a dream where Michael is morbidly obese] Don't tell Kady this, but I got hungry and ate her goldfish on the way down.
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Oh no, Michael, not again!
Michael Kyle: Uh huh, I get hungry.
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Maybe next time just get her a puppy.
Michael Kyle: Hmmmm, a puppy!
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Stop!
Michael Kyle: Maybe a little barbecue sauce...
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Will you just stop?
Michael Kyle: [talking to Dr. Bouche] I don't know what happened to my wife. She left with a body of J. Lo and came back with a body like Jello.
Michael Kyle: I dreamt I was on a sandy beach and a all of a sudden a giant whale was chasing me.
Dr. Bouche: Was it a sperm whale?
Michael Kyle: No.
Dr. Bouche: Damn, I'd know what that meant.
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: [in a dream where Michael and the kids are morbidly obese] Where's Kady?
Kady Kyle: [rolling on the floor] Feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me.
Michael Kyle: Remember when I lost my hair, you had all the jokes? I was Sherman Hemsley, I was Mr. Clean, I was Kojack, remember this?
[sticks his head under her armpit]
Michael Kyle: You said I was your roll on deodorant.
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: It's funnier when it's you instead of me, Michael,
Michael Kyle: Well we need to laugh at you, Jay, because we can either laugh at this or you need to do something about it.
Michael Kyle: What if I gained 50 pounds? Would you still love me the same?
Janet 'Jay' Kyle: Yes.
Michael Kyle: As small as my head is, I'll look like Beetlejuice.