Joy: You know how traditional my parents are! If they found out I got divorced and got married to a black man, they'd crap in a sock!
Darnell: [spending Christmas in a nativity scene so Joy's parents don't find out that she and Earl are divorced] It's cold out there in that manger - I don't know how Jesus did it.
Earl Hickey: If you're gonna fly a bicycle you'd better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer.
Earl: [slurring] We should go on a beer run. Are we okay to drive?
Randy: I know a good way to find out. If I can steer that remote control car around the living room without crashing, then we're okay.
Earl: Randy, that's a cat.
Randy: We shouldn't drive.
[cut to Earl and Randy swerving back and forth on bicycles that were intended as Christmas presents for Joy's kids]
Earl: [voiceover] That's when I realised we might be too drunk to drive, but, we weren't too drunk to pedal. Although I learned a valuable lesson that night: if you're gonna try to fly a bicycle you'd better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer.
Randy: But Catalina, winning this car for Joy is my Christmas present to Earl. This is for family - at Christmas. You know - Feliz Naviblah.
Catalina: [shaking her head side-to-side] That means nothing.
Randy: To you, maybe. But to an American it means Christmas in Mexican.
Joy: [Darnell enters the room] Oh, my God, it's a negro, we're being robbed.
Randy: [to man trying to walk between him and Earl] You can't come between us... we're Chinese twins.
Joy: [opens her present, batteries] What are these for?
Earl Hickey: Whatever you want baby.
Joy: [opens her present, condoms] How are these for me?
Earl Hickey: They're flavored. Merry Christmas.
Joy: [opens her present, car keys] Oh my God! Oh my God! Wait, these are my keys.
Earl Hickey: I know, I found them.