Earl: [voiceover] Quittin' smokin' is kinda like going to prison. If you can last three days, you'll be fine. Me and Donny's mom tried everything. We listened to the tapes, then we tried the patches, then we heard somewhere to try carrot sticks. We tried it, but we couldn't get the damn things to light.
Gun Store Owner: There's a three-day ID check on all guns.
Joy: Land of the free, my ass - what can I bring outta here today that done kill somebody?
Gun Store Owner: Anything in aisle seven.
[Joy is watching a video of her and Earl recorded a few years ago whilst they were both drunk]
Joy: Next time you steal a camera Earl, make sure the thing works.
Earl: I think I got it on.
Joy: I love you Earl.
Earl: I love that you love me.
Catalina: When someone is scared of something you need a friend to push them to overcome their fears.
Randy: You know, like throwing someone in the ocean whose afraid of swimming or putting a snake in a young girl's bed.
Earl: I was gonna focus on quitting smoking. But it turns out quitting smoking is stressful. And when I'm stressed-out, I smoke.
Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
Randy: How many have you seen?
Catalina: Five or so.
[after finding Earl's video will]
Joy: Darnell, run down to the Video Hut and rent me a VCR!
Donny Jones: If you'll excuse me, I've got to help a prayer buddy in the garage. When he showed up I thought he was speaking in tongues, but turns out he was just back on the stuff.
Earl: So you're all churched up now, huh. Good for you. Giving up all that hurting people.
Donny Jones: Turn the other cheek now.
Earl: And you got a tattoo of the Red Sea to prove it.
Donny Jones: Wanna see it now.
[he goes to pull down his pants]
Earl: No, I'm still gonna pass on that.
Earl: Why are we stopping?
Randy: I think we got a flat in the back.
Catalina: Yea, I heard it too.
Earl: Damnit! I just got those tires five years ago.
Earl: [voiceover] Joy knew that video is the only thing close to a will I have, and normally she's not violent, but money makes people crazy.