Janey Harper: Again, the poor relation. One gets a computer, the other gets a dinner party, and nothing for the poor little match girl. Perhaps she'll just fade away.
Ben Harper: Hopefully mouth first.
Susan Harper: [Talking to Nick about his older girlfriend] When a sophisticated woman like that goes out with a scre- with a young man like you, she's probably... I don't know how to put this delicately...
Janey Harper: ...just using you for sex.
Nick Harper: I know! It's great, innit?
Ben Harper: Nice thought, though, isn't it? Nick moving out. And that room of his will make me a nice study, you know?
Susan Harper: It also will make a nice little sewing room for me.
Ben Harper: You don't sew!
Susan Harper: You don't study!
Susan Harper: You know, I'm beginning to feel slightly nervous about this evening.
Ben Harper: So am I. Let's cancel.
Susan Harper: Out of the question. We're doing this for Nick.
Ben Harper: What you're doing is inviting the enemy into the camp so you can assess her firepower.
Susan Harper: You're so cynical. I'm simply inviting my son's girlfriend over so I can see what the cradle-snatching cow is really like.
[the family are playing Scrabble]
Michael Harper: Michael: That's 36 on a double triple-word score, plus 12 on a triple word, plus 50 for using all seven tiles, which makes 302.
Ben Harper: What? Wh-wh... what kind of word is Q-A-T?
Michael Harper: Qat, noun, from the Arabic 'khat'. A shrub prevalent in east Africa and Arabia - or specifically, its leaves chewed or taken as a tea for their stimulant effect.
Ben Harper: Qat? What? Pass me the dictionary!
Susan Harper: Why bother? You know he's always right.
Ben Harper: Pass the dictionary! Qat! Qat! Qat! Right, qat...
[Checks dictionary and realises Michael is correct]
Ben Harper: Stupid dictionary!
Susan Harper: Is it wrong to want to do something as a family?
Ben Harper: We've been doing something as a family for 20 years.
Janey Harper: Yeah - suffering!
Ben Harper: What's he doing? I'm trying to concentrate.
Nick Harper: I'm moving in slow motion. I reckon I'll live longer this way.
Ben Harper: Don't count on it!
Nick Harper: Hang on! Why didn't you tell me you were playing Scrabble?
Ben Harper: Because you cheat.
Nick Harper: Me?
Ben Harper: Yep. The last time you played, you put down seven blanks. There's only two blanks in a game of Scrabble. How do you explain that?
Nick Harper: Tipp-Ex!
Nick Harper: [Commentating the Scrabble game with a Scottish accent] And here we have the aged veteran Ben Harper - oh, battling valiantly against the worst rack of letters I've seen in my life! He lines up another go... Oh, dear, he seems tense! I think I can detect a vein throbbing in his temple! He appears to be turning red!
Ben Harper: [Throws his tiles in frustration] That's it! I've had enough of this!
Susan Harper: Oh, where are you going? We're having family fun!
Michael Harper: You always do this when I'm winning!
Janey Harper: Thanks, Nick! I owe you!
Nick Harper: Yeah! £5, wasn't it?
[Janey pays him £5]
Ben Harper: [Unpacking Michael's new iMac] Hey, hey, hey! Michael, look at this! Whoo! 500Mhz G3 Power processor! 512k backside level 2 cache! 128MB SD RAM! Hah! No idea what this means! But if it keeps you happy for another three years, I'm happy.
Michael Harper: Three years? G3's already out of date!
Ben Harper: What? It's got a 20GB hard drive!
Michael Harper: The new one coming out has a 60GB hard drive!
Ben Harper: [pause] It's blue?
Susan Harper: Don't be silly, Ben. He doesn't mind about the colour.
Michael Harper: Actually, I wanted a green one.
Janey Harper: Er, excuse me? What do I get?
Ben Harper: Sorry?
Janey Harper: Well, Michael's getting a computer. What do I get?
Susan Harper: It's because the school says he's gifted.
Janey Harper: Well, I'm gifted! I've got a natural talent for fashion!
Janey Harper: Why don't you buy me some clothes?
Susan Harper: Janey, you know your father and I have always treated all of our children fairly. So I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you we can't give you anything at the moment because...
Ben Harper: ...we've spent all this money on Michael!
Nick Harper: Yeah, I'll tell you what, it's days like these you just know something wonderful is going to happen!
Ben Harper: Yeah. What, like you're emigrating?
Nick Harper: Ahahaha! Your sarcastic barbs cannot wound me, father! For I wear the armour of love and the shield of amour!
Susan Harper: Has Nick got a new girlfriend?
Ben Harper: Either that or he's discovered Cartoon Network.
Susan Harper: So, Nick, how long have you been seeing Amanda?
Nick Harper: Oh, well, let's think... I met her when I had that limo driving job.
Ben Harper: That would be Tuesday?
Nick Harper: Yep. We just clicked and now she can't get enough of me.
Ben Harper: Well, she can have my share!
Michael Harper: And mine!
Janey Harper: And mine!
Susan Harper: Oh-ho! So, Nick's got a new girlfriend!
Ben Harper: Oh-ho! So what?
Susan Harper: You couldn't care less, could you?
Ben Harper: Actually, you're wrong. I do. I care very much that our son is skipping around the house like a lovestruck baboon!
Susan Harper: Aren't you pleased that he's happy?
Ben Harper: Happy? He's always happy. That's the problem. When he gets happier, it's unbearable. It's like putting sugar on Sugar Puffs.
Susan Harper: This one sounds different.
Ben Harper: Different? They're all different - as in 'different planet'!
Susan Harper: Kelly was nice.
Ben Harper: Nice? She had nipple rings!
Susan Harper: How do you know?
Ben Harper: [pause] They jingled when she walked. What about that gold digger? God, she almost bled Nick dry!
Susan Harper: All she did was get him to buy a cheeseburger.
Ben Harper: Exactly!
Susan Harper: Yes?
Amanda: Oh, I've, er... I've come to pick up Nick.
Susan Harper: Oh, right. Nick, Amanda's mum's here!
[Amanda gives stern look]
Susan Harper: *You* are Amanda, aren't you?
Nick Harper: [Introduces his much older girlfriend] Mum, dad, this is Amanda.
Ben Harper: Bloody hell... o!
Nick Harper: Well, have we but a world enough of time? Got to go! Catch you later!
Ben Harper: [to Amanda] You don't have to go through with this, you know?
Ben Harper: [about Nick's older girlfriend] Well, she seems surprisingly nice.
Susan Harper: Yes. Did you notice she was... from Scotland?
Ben Harper: Mmhmm.
Susan Harper: You didn't think she was a little too... from Scotland?
Ben Harper: Not especially.
Susan Harper: I mean, there's quite a difference in the... nationalities.
Ben Harper: Does it matter?
Susan Harper: It's only, when Nick's 35, she'll be... from Scotland.
Ben Harper: What have you got against the Scots?
Susan Harper: For God's sakes, Ben! It's got nothing to do with Scotland!
Ben Harper: [laughs] I know!
Susan Harper: Then why did you let me carry on?
Ben Harper: I was getting bored of this book!
Susan Harper: [about Nick's girlfriend] So you're really fine about the situation?
Ben Harper: Susan, there really isn't a situation!
Susan Harper: She's old enough to be his mother!
Ben Harper: Don't exaggerate! She's not that old!
[Susan scowls at Ben]
Susan Harper: [about Nick dating an older woman] It just doesn't seem right.
Ben Harper: Susan, does it matter how old she is?
Susan Harper: It'd be like Janey dating a foetus!
Susan Harper: You know, perhaps I should...
Ben Harper: No!
Susan Harper: Perhaps you should...
Ben Harper: No!
Susan Harper: You don't know what I was going to say.
Ben Harper: One of us should have a word with Nick.
Susan Harper: What a brilliant idea!
Ben Harper: I didn't mean that!
Susan Harper: Your father thinks we should have a little talk.
Nick Harper: Really?
Susan Harper: Yes.
Nick Harper: Dad said that?
Susan Harper: Yes. You see, we care. We want the best for you. We want you to be happy.
Nick Harper: Are you sure it was dad's idea?
Janey Harper: No, it was mum's idea. She's worried about you and Amanda.
Susan Harper: Do you mind? I'm trying to have a private conversation with your brother.
Janey Harper: I know! That's why I'm listening!
Nick Harper: So, what's to worry about?
Susan Harper: Well... you see, you and Amanda are very... different.
Nick Harper: I know. She's a girl.
Susan Harper: What I'm trying to say, Nick, is she's not a girl. She's a woman.
Nick Harper: Still don't see a problem.
Janey Harper: She thinks Amanda is too old for you!
Susan Harper: Janey!
Janey Harper: Well, if I wasn't here, he'd never have got around to it!
Nick Harper: Ooh, by the way, we're getting married!
Susan Harper: What?
Nick Harper: Thought you'd be pleased!
Susan Harper: But you only met her on Tuesday!
Nick Harper: Yeah, but you know what it's like when you first start going out with someone - you just want to try everything!
Susan Harper: Nick, Nick, Nick! Marriage is a commitment for life. Two people who stay together for better or worse. Like me and your father.
Nick Harper: Got the picture. Scrub the wedding.
Susan Harper: So you're not getting married?
Nick Harper: Not now. I've not had time to think it through.
Susan Harper: Don't you think Amanda might find this a little... erratic?
Nick Harper: I shouldn't think so. I haven't asked her yet!
Janey Harper: Well, thanks a lot!
Ben Harper: For what?
Janey Harper: For nothing!
Ben Harper: You're welcome.
Michael Harper: Well, I'm still going to need some space for my new computer.
Janey Harper: Er, well, I need somewhere to store my clothes - and your dead body!
Michael Harper: Alright, and do you know how to kill someone without getting caught?
Janey Harper: What?
Michael Harper: I do!
Janey Harper: I am sick and tired of being the poor relation in this family! Look, who's room is the smallest? Mine!
Ben Harper: Alright! Alright! Why don't you two just swap rooms?
Michael Harper: I'm not moving into Janey's room! It smells of girl!
Janey Harper: Well, I'm not moving into Michael's room. It smells of...
Susan Harper: Attention! Important announcement: nobody is moving anywhere! I'm not having this whole family disrupted because of Nick and his passing... fad!
Michael Harper: No, mum. It's the real thing. He got me to programme her number into the speed dial.
Susan Harper: He also got you to programme the number of The Speaking Clock!
Nick Harper: Well, got to go! Call of love must be answered!
Susan Harper: Have something to eat first.
Nick Harper: Er, no thanks, mum. Amanda's cooking me my favourite tonight.
Susan Harper: I didn't know you had a favourite.
Nick Harper: I do when Amanda cooks it!
Nick Harper: Dad, er, you seen the car keys lately?
Ben Harper: No?
Nick Harper: [Waves them in Ben's face] Then take a good look! I won't be back till late!
Susan Harper: Ben, I need to talk to you.
Ben Harper: [Half asleep] Oh no!
Susan Harper: It's important!
Susan Harper: Susan, if you want Nick's room, have Nick's room! That way, maybe I can get some sleep!
Ben Harper: It's not about Nick's room. It's about Nick.
Susan Harper: [Sarcastically] Oh! You surprise me!
Susan Harper: [about Nick's girlfriend] Not only is this woman old enough to be his mother, she's acting like his mother!
Ben Harper: What, by blathering on and keeping people awake?
Susan Harper: I'm just worried somebody's going to get hurt.
Ben Harper: You know, whenever I hear that, I always know it's going to be me.
Susan Harper: And do you know what's most worrying? Nick isn't worried!
Ben Harper: That's because Nick thinks there's nothing to worry about!
Susan Harper: Exactly! Someone's got to tell him!
Ben Harper: Why?
Susan Harper: Because... he's got to face up to reality!
Ben Harper: What? The reality that his mother is an interfering, guilt-ridden, bundle of neuroses?
Ben Harper: Look at the upside! Amanda's a sophisticated career woman with a successful business, and, er... think what she can teach him! How to dress; how to behave; how to hold down a job!
Susan Harper: Weren't we supposed to do that?
Susan Harper: [pause] Yes. But now's the time to pass the torch on.
Susan Harper: There is some wisdom that a son needs to learn from his father.
Ben Harper: [about Nick] I've already taught him to pee standing up! Isn't that enough?
Ben Harper: Nick doesn't want to talk to me and I don't want to talk to Nick! Talking doesn't make any difference.
Susan Harper: If it doesn't make any difference, what's the harm?
Ben Harper: What's the point?
Susan Harper: It would make me happy.
Ben Harper: It would make me miserable!
Susan Harper: Then I win!
Janey Harper: Er, this is so unfair! Why aren't I invited?
Susan Harper: Because Nick and your father will be there. That's high risk enough already!
Susan Harper: Amanda.
Nick Harper: What about her?
Susan Harper: She's married.
Nick Harper: Go on.
Susan Harper: She's married.
Nick Harper: I know!
Susan Harper: You... how long have you known?
Nick Harper: From the beginning!
Susan Harper: Hasn't it occurred to you that might be a bit of a problem here?
Nick Harper: In what sense?
Susan Harper: In the sense that she has a husband.
Nick Harper: Course not! He's never in when I'm there!
Susan Harper: Well, isn't a coincidence?
Nick Harper: Well, I don't think so, mum! I think Amanda planned it that way!
Amanda: I must say, Susan, that when Nick invited me to meet his family, I had no idea how interesting they'd be!
Susan Harper: Not really.
Susan Harper: I was just curious... as we're all around the same general age area, have you had any children?
Amanda: What, apart from your son?
Susan Harper: Let's drink to marriage!
Ben Harper: No, no...
Ben Harper: Marriage... marriage...
Susan Harper: And fidelity!
Susan Harper: Oh, and not tarting around behind your husband's back!
Nick Harper: I think she's got the picture now, mum!
Susan Harper: It is up to you who you go out with. And whoever you choose, I just want you to remember that I'll always be your mother and I'll always be here for you.
Nick Harper: Thanks, mum. And I want to thank you for putting up with me all these years. Letting me live here rent-free. Free food. Free laundry. Free beer. No, I mean it, mum. I always appreciate you. And I always will.
Susan Harper: You've split up, haven't you?
Nick Harper: That's right!
Susan Harper: I'm so sorry! It was bound to happen! She just wasn't right for you.
Nick Harper: No, it wasn't me. It was you.
Susan Harper: What?
Nick Harper: Amanda didn't like you. She said you were interfering and nosey!
Susan Harper: ME? THAT... can't be the only reason!
Nick Harper: Well, there was the other man.
Susan Harper: Her husband.
Nick Harper: No, dad. Didn't like him, either!
Amanda: Honestly, Susan! You don't have to come the school ma'am with me! You must've had a few flings in your time!
Ben Harper: She most certainly has not!
Susan Harper: You seem very sure about that, Ben!
Ben Harper: Er, excu... Oh, you've had a few flings then, have you?
Susan Harper: Perhaps - while you were parachuting into Berlin!
Ben Harper: Well, perhaps! Perhaps I couldn't care less!
Susan Harper: Perhaps if you weren't so careless, we wouldn't have had Nick in the first place!
Ben Harper: [about Nick] Happy as ever! You'd think he'd allow us a decent period of gloom.
Susan Harper: That just leaves Janey.
Ben Harper: Mmm?
Susan Harper: Nick's happy. Michael's got his computer. But Janey still thinks we're neglecting her. What are we going to do?
Ben Harper: Oh, I don't know. I... thought we'd just buy her a pair of shoes.
Susan Harper: I despair sometimes. How could you think our own daughter could be so shallow?
Janey Harper: [Walks in with a brand new pair of shoes] Thank you so much for the shoes! You're the best dad in the world any girl could ever have!
Ben Harper: Steady on! It's only a pair of shoes!
Janey Harper: You don't think that's the end of it, do you?
Ben Harper: [to Susan] See? Everybody's happy! Haha!
[Last lines - Ben takes Michael to work for 'Take your kid into work day']
Michael Harper: Jeff's dad's in the RAF.
Ben Harper: Really? But has he got one of these?
[Shows off a dental mirror]
Michael Harper: He's got a Harrier jump jet.
Ben Harper: Yeah. But can he do that?
[Operates the dentist chair to go down]
Ben Harper: Hmm? And that?
[Operates the chair to go up]
Ben Harper: Pretty impressive, huh? Haha!
Michael Harper: Jeff's dad's got an ejector seat.
Ben Harper: Yes, I wish I had one of those now.
Amanda: This is why I prefer younger men - no strings, no baggage.
Ben Harper: Baggage? You calling my wife baggage?
Amanda: No, I did not!
Ben Harper: Look, she did not.
Susan Harper: I have no idea what you're cacking on about, you idiot!
Ben Harper: Idiot? Who are you calling an idiot?
Susan Harper: Why not, if you think I'm a terrible cook?