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"My Family" Age of Romance (TV Episode 2001) Poster

(TV Series)

(2001)

Quotes

Janey Harper: Again, the poor relation. One gets a computer, the other gets a dinner party, and nothing for the poor little match girl. Perhaps she'll just fade away.

Ben Harper: Hopefully mouth first.

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Susan Harper: [Talking to Nick about his older girlfriend] When a sophisticated woman like that goes out with a scre- with a young man like you, she's probably... I don't know how to put this delicately...

Janey Harper: ...just using you for sex.

Nick Harper: I know! It's great, innit?

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Ben Harper: Nice thought, though, isn't it? Nick moving out. And that room of his will make me a nice study, you know?

Susan Harper: It also will make a nice little sewing room for me.

Ben Harper: You don't sew!

Susan Harper: You don't study!

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Susan Harper: You know, I'm beginning to feel slightly nervous about this evening.

Ben Harper: So am I. Let's cancel.

Susan Harper: Out of the question. We're doing this for Nick.

Ben Harper: What you're doing is inviting the enemy into the camp so you can assess her firepower.

Susan Harper: You're so cynical. I'm simply inviting my son's girlfriend over so I can see what the cradle-snatching cow is really like.

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[the family are playing Scrabble]

Michael Harper: Michael: That's 36 on a double triple-word score, plus 12 on a triple word, plus 50 for using all seven tiles, which makes 302.

Ben Harper: What? Wh-wh... what kind of word is Q-A-T?

Michael Harper: Qat, noun, from the Arabic 'khat'. A shrub prevalent in east Africa and Arabia - or specifically, its leaves chewed or taken as a tea for their stimulant effect.

Ben Harper: Qat? What? Pass me the dictionary!

Susan Harper: Why bother? You know he's always right.

Ben Harper: Pass the dictionary! Qat! Qat! Qat! Right, qat...

[Checks dictionary and realises Michael is correct]

Ben Harper: Stupid dictionary!

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Susan Harper: Is it wrong to want to do something as a family?

Ben Harper: We've been doing something as a family for 20 years.

Janey Harper: Yeah - suffering!

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Ben Harper: What's he doing? I'm trying to concentrate.

Nick Harper: I'm moving in slow motion. I reckon I'll live longer this way.

Ben Harper: Don't count on it!

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Nick Harper: Hang on! Why didn't you tell me you were playing Scrabble?

Ben Harper: Because you cheat.

Nick Harper: Me?

Ben Harper: Yep. The last time you played, you put down seven blanks. There's only two blanks in a game of Scrabble. How do you explain that?

Nick Harper: Tipp-Ex!

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Nick Harper: [Commentating the Scrabble game with a Scottish accent] And here we have the aged veteran Ben Harper - oh, battling valiantly against the worst rack of letters I've seen in my life! He lines up another go... Oh, dear, he seems tense! I think I can detect a vein throbbing in his temple! He appears to be turning red!

Ben Harper: [Throws his tiles in frustration] That's it! I've had enough of this!

Susan Harper: Oh, where are you going? We're having family fun!

Michael Harper: You always do this when I'm winning!

Janey Harper: Thanks, Nick! I owe you!

Nick Harper: Yeah! £5, wasn't it?

[Janey pays him £5]

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Ben Harper: [Unpacking Michael's new iMac] Hey, hey, hey! Michael, look at this! Whoo! 500Mhz G3 Power processor! 512k backside level 2 cache! 128MB SD RAM! Hah! No idea what this means! But if it keeps you happy for another three years, I'm happy.

Michael Harper: Three years? G3's already out of date!

Ben Harper: What? It's got a 20GB hard drive!

Michael Harper: The new one coming out has a 60GB hard drive!

Ben Harper: [pause] It's blue?

Susan Harper: Don't be silly, Ben. He doesn't mind about the colour.

Michael Harper: Actually, I wanted a green one.

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Janey Harper: Er, excuse me? What do I get?

Ben Harper: Sorry?

Janey Harper: Well, Michael's getting a computer. What do I get?

Susan Harper: It's because the school says he's gifted.

Janey Harper: Well, I'm gifted! I've got a natural talent for fashion!

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Janey Harper: Why don't you buy me some clothes?

Susan Harper: Janey, you know your father and I have always treated all of our children fairly. So I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you we can't give you anything at the moment because...

Ben Harper: ...we've spent all this money on Michael!

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Nick Harper: Yeah, I'll tell you what, it's days like these you just know something wonderful is going to happen!

Ben Harper: Yeah. What, like you're emigrating?

Nick Harper: Ahahaha! Your sarcastic barbs cannot wound me, father! For I wear the armour of love and the shield of amour!

Susan Harper: Has Nick got a new girlfriend?

Ben Harper: Either that or he's discovered Cartoon Network.

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Susan Harper: So, Nick, how long have you been seeing Amanda?

Nick Harper: Oh, well, let's think... I met her when I had that limo driving job.

Ben Harper: That would be Tuesday?

Nick Harper: Yep. We just clicked and now she can't get enough of me.

Ben Harper: Well, she can have my share!

Michael Harper: And mine!

Janey Harper: And mine!

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Susan Harper: Oh-ho! So, Nick's got a new girlfriend!

Ben Harper: Oh-ho! So what?

Susan Harper: You couldn't care less, could you?

Ben Harper: Actually, you're wrong. I do. I care very much that our son is skipping around the house like a lovestruck baboon!

Susan Harper: Aren't you pleased that he's happy?

Ben Harper: Happy? He's always happy. That's the problem. When he gets happier, it's unbearable. It's like putting sugar on Sugar Puffs.

Susan Harper: This one sounds different.

Ben Harper: Different? They're all different - as in 'different planet'!

Susan Harper: Kelly was nice.

Ben Harper: Nice? She had nipple rings!

Susan Harper: How do you know?

Ben Harper: [pause] They jingled when she walked. What about that gold digger? God, she almost bled Nick dry!

Susan Harper: All she did was get him to buy a cheeseburger.

Ben Harper: Exactly!

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Susan Harper: Yes?

Amanda: Oh, I've, er... I've come to pick up Nick.

Susan Harper: Oh, right. Nick, Amanda's mum's here!

[Amanda gives stern look]

Susan Harper: *You* are Amanda, aren't you?

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Nick Harper: [Introduces his much older girlfriend] Mum, dad, this is Amanda.

Ben Harper: Bloody hell... o!

Nick Harper: Well, have we but a world enough of time? Got to go! Catch you later!

Ben Harper: [to Amanda] You don't have to go through with this, you know?

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Ben Harper: [about Nick's older girlfriend] Well, she seems surprisingly nice.

Susan Harper: Yes. Did you notice she was... from Scotland?

Ben Harper: Mmhmm.

Susan Harper: You didn't think she was a little too... from Scotland?

Ben Harper: Not especially.

Susan Harper: I mean, there's quite a difference in the... nationalities.

Ben Harper: Does it matter?

Susan Harper: It's only, when Nick's 35, she'll be... from Scotland.

Ben Harper: What have you got against the Scots?

Susan Harper: For God's sakes, Ben! It's got nothing to do with Scotland!

Ben Harper: [laughs] I know!

Susan Harper: Then why did you let me carry on?

Ben Harper: I was getting bored of this book!

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Susan Harper: [about Nick's girlfriend] So you're really fine about the situation?

Ben Harper: Susan, there really isn't a situation!

Susan Harper: She's old enough to be his mother!

Ben Harper: Don't exaggerate! She's not that old!

[Susan scowls at Ben]

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Susan Harper: [about Nick dating an older woman] It just doesn't seem right.

Ben Harper: Susan, does it matter how old she is?

Susan Harper: It'd be like Janey dating a foetus!

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Susan Harper: You know, perhaps I should...

Ben Harper: No!

Susan Harper: Perhaps you should...

Ben Harper: No!

Susan Harper: You don't know what I was going to say.

Ben Harper: One of us should have a word with Nick.

Susan Harper: What a brilliant idea!

Ben Harper: I didn't mean that!

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Susan Harper: Your father thinks we should have a little talk.

Nick Harper: Really?

Susan Harper: Yes.

Nick Harper: Dad said that?

Susan Harper: Yes. You see, we care. We want the best for you. We want you to be happy.

Nick Harper: Are you sure it was dad's idea?

Janey Harper: No, it was mum's idea. She's worried about you and Amanda.

Susan Harper: Do you mind? I'm trying to have a private conversation with your brother.

Janey Harper: I know! That's why I'm listening!

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Nick Harper: So, what's to worry about?

Susan Harper: Well... you see, you and Amanda are very... different.

Nick Harper: I know. She's a girl.

Susan Harper: What I'm trying to say, Nick, is she's not a girl. She's a woman.

Nick Harper: Still don't see a problem.

Janey Harper: She thinks Amanda is too old for you!

Susan Harper: Janey!

Janey Harper: Well, if I wasn't here, he'd never have got around to it!

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Nick Harper: Ooh, by the way, we're getting married!

Susan Harper: What?

Nick Harper: Thought you'd be pleased!

Susan Harper: But you only met her on Tuesday!

Nick Harper: Yeah, but you know what it's like when you first start going out with someone - you just want to try everything!

Susan Harper: Nick, Nick, Nick! Marriage is a commitment for life. Two people who stay together for better or worse. Like me and your father.

Nick Harper: Got the picture. Scrub the wedding.

Susan Harper: So you're not getting married?

Nick Harper: Not now. I've not had time to think it through.

Susan Harper: Don't you think Amanda might find this a little... erratic?

Nick Harper: I shouldn't think so. I haven't asked her yet!

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Janey Harper: Well, thanks a lot!

Ben Harper: For what?

Janey Harper: For nothing!

Ben Harper: You're welcome.

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Susan Harper: Nick's not going anywhere!

Ben Harper: Oh, do you have to keep saying that?

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Michael Harper: Well, I'm still going to need some space for my new computer.

Janey Harper: Er, well, I need somewhere to store my clothes - and your dead body!

Michael Harper: Alright, and do you know how to kill someone without getting caught?

Janey Harper: What?

Michael Harper: I do!

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Janey Harper: I am sick and tired of being the poor relation in this family! Look, who's room is the smallest? Mine!

Ben Harper: Alright! Alright! Why don't you two just swap rooms?

Michael Harper: I'm not moving into Janey's room! It smells of girl!

Janey Harper: Well, I'm not moving into Michael's room. It smells of...

Susan Harper: Attention! Important announcement: nobody is moving anywhere! I'm not having this whole family disrupted because of Nick and his passing... fad!

Michael Harper: No, mum. It's the real thing. He got me to programme her number into the speed dial.

Susan Harper: He also got you to programme the number of The Speaking Clock!

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Nick Harper: Well, got to go! Call of love must be answered!

Susan Harper: Have something to eat first.

Nick Harper: Er, no thanks, mum. Amanda's cooking me my favourite tonight.

Susan Harper: I didn't know you had a favourite.

Nick Harper: I do when Amanda cooks it!

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Nick Harper: Dad, er, you seen the car keys lately?

Ben Harper: No?

Nick Harper: [Waves them in Ben's face] Then take a good look! I won't be back till late!

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Susan Harper: Ben, I need to talk to you.

Ben Harper: [Half asleep] Oh no!

Susan Harper: It's important!

Susan Harper: Susan, if you want Nick's room, have Nick's room! That way, maybe I can get some sleep!

Ben Harper: It's not about Nick's room. It's about Nick.

Susan Harper: [Sarcastically] Oh! You surprise me!

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Susan Harper: [about Nick's girlfriend] Not only is this woman old enough to be his mother, she's acting like his mother!

Ben Harper: What, by blathering on and keeping people awake?

Susan Harper: I'm just worried somebody's going to get hurt.

Ben Harper: You know, whenever I hear that, I always know it's going to be me.

Susan Harper: And do you know what's most worrying? Nick isn't worried!

Ben Harper: That's because Nick thinks there's nothing to worry about!

Susan Harper: Exactly! Someone's got to tell him!

Ben Harper: Why?

Susan Harper: Because... he's got to face up to reality!

Ben Harper: What? The reality that his mother is an interfering, guilt-ridden, bundle of neuroses?

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Ben Harper: Look at the upside! Amanda's a sophisticated career woman with a successful business, and, er... think what she can teach him! How to dress; how to behave; how to hold down a job!

Susan Harper: Weren't we supposed to do that?

Susan Harper: [pause] Yes. But now's the time to pass the torch on.

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Susan Harper: There is some wisdom that a son needs to learn from his father.

Ben Harper: [about Nick] I've already taught him to pee standing up! Isn't that enough?

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Ben Harper: Nick doesn't want to talk to me and I don't want to talk to Nick! Talking doesn't make any difference.

Susan Harper: If it doesn't make any difference, what's the harm?

Ben Harper: What's the point?

Susan Harper: It would make me happy.

Ben Harper: It would make me miserable!

Susan Harper: Then I win!

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Janey Harper: Er, this is so unfair! Why aren't I invited?

Susan Harper: Because Nick and your father will be there. That's high risk enough already!

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Susan Harper: Amanda.

Nick Harper: What about her?

Susan Harper: She's married.

Nick Harper: Go on.

Susan Harper: She's married.

Nick Harper: I know!

Susan Harper: You... how long have you known?

Nick Harper: From the beginning!

Susan Harper: Hasn't it occurred to you that might be a bit of a problem here?

Nick Harper: In what sense?

Susan Harper: In the sense that she has a husband.

Nick Harper: Course not! He's never in when I'm there!

Susan Harper: Well, isn't a coincidence?

Nick Harper: Well, I don't think so, mum! I think Amanda planned it that way!

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Amanda: I must say, Susan, that when Nick invited me to meet his family, I had no idea how interesting they'd be!

Susan Harper: Not really.

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Susan Harper: I was just curious... as we're all around the same general age area, have you had any children?

Amanda: What, apart from your son?

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Susan Harper: Let's drink to marriage!

Ben Harper: No, no...

AmandaNick Harper: Marriage!

Ben Harper: Marriage... marriage...

Susan Harper: And fidelity!

Ben HarperAmandaNick Harper: Fidelity!

Susan Harper: Oh, and not tarting around behind your husband's back!

Nick Harper: I think she's got the picture now, mum!

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Susan Harper: It is up to you who you go out with. And whoever you choose, I just want you to remember that I'll always be your mother and I'll always be here for you.

Nick Harper: Thanks, mum. And I want to thank you for putting up with me all these years. Letting me live here rent-free. Free food. Free laundry. Free beer. No, I mean it, mum. I always appreciate you. And I always will.

Susan Harper: You've split up, haven't you?

Nick Harper: That's right!

Susan Harper: I'm so sorry! It was bound to happen! She just wasn't right for you.

Nick Harper: No, it wasn't me. It was you.

Susan Harper: What?

Nick Harper: Amanda didn't like you. She said you were interfering and nosey!

Susan Harper: ME? THAT... can't be the only reason!

Nick Harper: Well, there was the other man.

Susan Harper: Her husband.

Nick Harper: No, dad. Didn't like him, either!

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Amanda: Honestly, Susan! You don't have to come the school ma'am with me! You must've had a few flings in your time!

Ben Harper: She most certainly has not!

Susan Harper: You seem very sure about that, Ben!

Ben Harper: Er, excu... Oh, you've had a few flings then, have you?

Susan Harper: Perhaps - while you were parachuting into Berlin!

Ben Harper: Well, perhaps! Perhaps I couldn't care less!

Susan Harper: Perhaps if you weren't so careless, we wouldn't have had Nick in the first place!

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Ben Harper: [about Nick] Happy as ever! You'd think he'd allow us a decent period of gloom.

Susan Harper: That just leaves Janey.

Ben Harper: Mmm?

Susan Harper: Nick's happy. Michael's got his computer. But Janey still thinks we're neglecting her. What are we going to do?

Ben Harper: Oh, I don't know. I... thought we'd just buy her a pair of shoes.

Susan Harper: I despair sometimes. How could you think our own daughter could be so shallow?

Janey Harper: [Walks in with a brand new pair of shoes] Thank you so much for the shoes! You're the best dad in the world any girl could ever have!

Ben Harper: Steady on! It's only a pair of shoes!

Janey Harper: You don't think that's the end of it, do you?

Ben Harper: [to Susan] See? Everybody's happy! Haha!

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[Last lines - Ben takes Michael to work for 'Take your kid into work day']

Michael Harper: Jeff's dad's in the RAF.

Ben Harper: Really? But has he got one of these?

[Shows off a dental mirror]

Michael Harper: He's got a Harrier jump jet.

Ben Harper: Yeah. But can he do that?

[Operates the dentist chair to go down]

Ben Harper: Hmm? And that?

[Operates the chair to go up]

Ben Harper: Pretty impressive, huh? Haha!

Michael Harper: Jeff's dad's got an ejector seat.

Ben Harper: Yes, I wish I had one of those now.

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Amanda: This is why I prefer younger men - no strings, no baggage.

Ben Harper: Baggage? You calling my wife baggage?

Amanda: No, I did not!

Ben Harper: Look, she did not.

Susan Harper: I have no idea what you're cacking on about, you idiot!

Ben Harper: Idiot? Who are you calling an idiot?

Susan Harper: Why not, if you think I'm a terrible cook?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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