[a telephone is the Veterinarians Hospital patient]
Rowlf: What's wrong with it?
Miss Piggy: It's not working.
Rowlf: Well, tell it to get a job so it can pay me.
Janice: Maybe it's a PAY phone.
Scooter: George Burns. George Burns. Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns.
George Burns: I'm ready.
[noticing Gonzo playing a violin behind him]
George Burns: Excuse me, but... But what is *that*?
The Great Gonzo: [playing violin] It's my new act. Gonzo fiddles while George Burns.
George Burns: I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.
Fleet Scribbler: Say, is it true you're dropping a lot of stuff from the show this year?
Kermit the Frog: Uh, no, no, not particularly.
Fleet Scribbler: Aha. "Muppets Relying on Same Old Tired Junk."
Kermit the Frog: Uh, wait, wait, wait. On the other hand, we have a lot of brand-new, innovative stuff.
Fleet Scribbler: Oh, "Muppets Changing Format, Desperate to Sustain Show."
Kermit the Frog: I never knew the press could be so depressing.
Kermit the Frog: Say, how many of those cigars do you smoke?
George Burns: About twenty a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something.
Statler: Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.
Waldorf: Actually, that's your basic Pig Latin number.
Waldorf: How do they do it?
Statler: How do *we watch* it?
Waldorf: *Why* do we watch it?
Statler: [to audience] Why do *you* watch it?
Statler: [reacting to the Luncheon Counter Monster eating a machine] Disgusting! Ever see eating like that?
Waldorf: Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws.