Kermit the Frog: Uh, look Scooter, we're kind of busy right now but we'll keep our eyes open. I mean, seriously, I think you've been using your imagination too much. If there's a Phantom of the Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle.
Wanda: [screaming] Help, there's a phantom in the dressing room!
Kermit the Frog: Anybody got a banana?
Uncle Deadly: [holding Kermit by the throat and shaking him] I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED!
Uncle Deadly: [lets go then looks around and asks Kermit in a natural voice] Which way do I exit?
Uncle Deadly: You muppets have taken over my theatre. My home. Years ago, I was a great actor, a star. In this very theatre. My Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever. And then I played my most difficult role, Othello. But on opening night, I was killed!
Kermit the Frog: [terrified] I'm very sorry to hear that. Who killed you?
Uncle Deadly: The critics.
Kermit the Frog: Now, there is no such thing as a phantom. That's final, period, end of report!
Fozzie Bear: Uh, Kermit? What has a skull like head, fiery green eyes, and a torn cape?
Kermit the Frog: I don't know.
Fozzie Bear: I don't know either but it's right behind you!
[Fozzie, Scooter, Gonzo, and Hilda run away screaming]
Kermit the Frog: Uh, you will notice that I did not fall for their joke. And if it isn't a joke and if there is someone or something behind me, there is no doubt a logical explan for it. So I shall now just turn slowly around and see what is going on here.
Kermit the Frog: [unnerved, but remains calm when he sees Uncle Deadly behind him] Uh, pardon me, sir. But is there a logical explanation for your presence here?
Kermit the Frog: [Uncle Deadly's response is an evil, maniacal laugh] Apparently, there is no logical explanation.
Kermit the Frog: [runs away screaming]
Kermit the Frog: [after the Feather Duster and the feather boas performed] Ok, very nice. Very nice, you guys have come a long way since you were feather dusters.
Feather Duster: [high pitched disco diva type voice] Thank you. I enjoyed it ever so much, really I did!
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline: London. Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city has just finished eating an entire diesel tractor.
[a screen turns on, revealing Twiggy as Lola Thomas]
The Newsman: Tell me, Mrs. Thomas, why did you do such a thing?
Lola Thomas: Well, the doctor told me I had an iron deficiency, you see, so I started on a couple of doorknobs and the occasional typewriter. But there's nothing really quite like a good bit of diesel tractor where you chip and pave, is there?
The Newsman: What an extraordinary feat. I mean, how was it done?
Lola Thomas: Oh, medium rare or thereabouts.
The Newsman: Is this lady making a fool of me?
[on the screen, Twiggy bites into a microphone and savors it]