[guest star Connie Stevens has just finished singing "Close to You"]
Waldorf: I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens. But I'm already close to something else.
Statler: What's that?
Kermit the Frog: It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Connie Stevens and from Sesame Street, Ernie and Bert.
Fozzie: Hey, that Gonzo is SO dumb, he just heard that we're running short of water, so he wants us to dilute it
Kermit the Frog: To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me happy to introduce to you... Miss Connie Stevens.
Kermit the Frog: Oh, er, Piggy. Have you met Lydia?
Miss Piggy: No. Have you met my left fist?
Statler: I love it! I love it!
Waldorf: Of course he loves it; he's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy.
Hilda: Gonzo I categorically, absolutely refuse to repair that teddy bear!
The Great Gonzo: Can I take that to mean maybe? Come on, Hilda, what do you say?
Hilda: I say that bear is the worst thing I have ever seen in this theatre. Why not get rid of him?
Fozzie: The bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in this theatre? My whole life is flashing before my eyes.
Statler: [after Connie Stevens sings 'Teenager In Love'] How poignant, I remember being a teenager in love.
Waldorf: Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you.
The Great Gonzo: [talking about Gonzo's teddy bear] Don't tell me you don't like him either?
Kermit the Frog: What's there to like, Gonzo? That bear is the worst! I say, let's get rid of him, OK?
The Great Gonzo: But he's a nice bear. I don't care if he is moldy-looking. I like him.
Fozzie: [thinking they are talking about him] Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me. And he thinks I'm moldy!
Connie Stevens: [singing] Each time we have a quarrel, it almost breaks my heart,/'Cause I am so afraid that we will have to part./Each night I ask the stars up above,/Why must I be a teenager in love?/I cried a tear for nobody but you./I'd be the lonely one if you should say we're through./Well, if you want to make me cry,/That won't be so hard to do./And if you should say goodbye,/I'll still go on loving you./'Cause each night I ask the stars up above,/Why must I be a teenager in love?/Why must I be a teenager in love?
Dr. Teeth: I see they're finally starting to class this place up.
Mildred: How do you mean?
Dr. Teeth: They're making the rats wear neckties.
Fozzie: Goodbye, Mr. Frog.
Kermit the Frog: Hey Fozzie, where are you going?
Fozzie: Oh, I been hearing what they've been saying about the old bear. I'm going home. I'm leaving the show business.
The Great Gonzo: [talking about his Teddy Bear] Kermit, if the bear goes. I go.
Fozzie: [thinking Gonzo is talking about him] Gonzo, I never realized. What loyalty? OK, the ball is in your court, frog!
Kermit the Frog: a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hold it! Hold it! Listen Fozzie. When you heard people say they didn't want the bear around here, they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear. Not to you.
Fozzie: Teddy bear? Then you mean you really want me to stay?
Kermit the Frog: Of course I want you to stay on the show. You're a star. You're a legend in your own time.
[aside to camera]
Kermit the Frog: Am I laying it on a little too sick?
Fozzie: I don't know what to say except that if you the frog want me the bear to stay, then I'll just have to have a raise.
Kermit the Frog: What?
Fozzie: And I'll need a bigger dressing room, and a limousine...
Kermit the Frog: Will you get out of here, Fozzie!
Fozzie: Thank you, Sir. Thank you, thank you.
The Great Gonzo: Well like I was saying Kermit, if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes.
Kermit the Frog: OK, you can stay, the teddy bear can stay, both bears can stay, the Gonzo can stay. Sometimes the crown weighs rather heavy on this little froggy head.
Kermit the Frog: Connie, at least we're alone.
Connie Stevens: You know something? I think it's terrific being with you.
Scooter: [talking about Gonzo's teddy bear] What do I think of the bear? Why, he's funny. No, no, really. Every time I look at him, he makes me wanna laugh and laugh and laugh. I think he's just great.
The Great Gonzo: Well, I'm glad you like him. Kermit says it's a disgrace to have him around and we oughta get a new one.
Scooter: Yeah, well, that'd be nice, too!
Fozzie: [thinking they are talking about him] The bear can barely bear it, folks.
Kermit the Frog: [after Gonzo's tomato plant strangles Gonzo and Hilda] They're gonna be tied up for a while.
Kermit the Frog: And now for your amazement and confusion, The Muppet Show's resident weird person, Gonzo the Great will grow a tomato plant whilst playing the 1812 Overture on the violin.
Kermit the Frog: [on Gonzo's act] This act may not last long... In fact it's over.
Connie Stevens: [singing] Why do stars fall down from the sky/Everytime you walk by?/Just like me, they long to be, close To you.
Connie Stevens: [singing] On the day that you were born, the angels got together/And decided to create a dream come true./So they sprinkled moondust in your hair, a green and star light in your eyes of blue./That is why all the girls in town follow you around./Ooh just like me, they long to be, close to you.
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash. And now to Washington DC, for a direct call on our hot line.
[burns his finger as he touches the phone]
The Newsman: Aaow!
The Great Gonzo: Thank you. Thank you. This is the tomato plant and I am the Gonzo.
[Gonzo begins playing the "1812 Overture" on violin as the tomato plant grows and wraps itself around Gonzo carrying him off stage]
Ernie: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gee, it's really great to be here. Right, Bert?
Bert: Ah, I guess so.
Ernie: Oh, what's wrong, Bert?
Bert: Well, I mean, I feel funny being here, this is a big TV variety show, you know?
Bert: I'm no performer.
Ernie: Oh, Bert. A suave, sophisticated showman like you, Bert?
Bert: Oh, sure, sure. I know you. You're gonna keep on saying I'm suave and sophisticated, and then when I start to believe it, then you're gonna say how pointy head I have, and how floppy arms I have, and how dull I am, I know you.
Ernie: Bert, you must admit, though, Bert, that the head up there is a little bit pointy, Bert. And you must admit that the arms are a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert. And Bert?
[pulls off Bert's nose]
Ernie: The nose is still loose Bert.
Bert: Cut that out!
Ernie: Oh, I'm sorry, Bert, here. There you go, Bert.
[puts Bert's nose back on his face]
Bert: See what I mean? I mean that old loose-nose joke is funny on Sesame Street, but this is big-time, Ernie. I mean they're expecting an act or something.
Ernie: Hey, Bert, wait a minute. You can do an act. All you need are the clothes Bert. Come over here, Bert! Step right here, Bert!
[Ernie dresses Bert up in a tuxedo]
Kermit the Frog: Well, Connie, we sure wanna thank you for being with us on the show tonight.
Connie Stevens: Well thank you, Kermit, I had a ball.
Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen. We'd also like to present with you a little gift that we give to all our guest stars on the show. A Muppet Likeness of yourself.
Muppet Likeness: Hiya, Connie. Do you think there's room for two of us in this business?
Connie Stevens: Well, can you sing and dance?
Muppet Likeness: Ahh, no!
Connie Stevens: Well, then there's plenty of room. Thanks a lot, Kermit, this is a lovely surprise, I'd just like to...
[Gonzo's tomato plant wraps itself around her and carries her off stage]
Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, it's that crazy Great Gonzo tomato plant. Hey, make sure Connie is OK and tell Gonzo either the plant goes or he goes. We lose more guests that way. Anyhow, take care of yourselves and we'll see you next time on "The Muppet Show".
Kermit the Frog: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome to The Muppet Show. Our special guest is the beautiful and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens. So we're gonna have a great show for you tonight. As a matter of fact, right now I'd like you to meet another good friend of mine. Her name is Lydia. Hit it!
Kermit the Frog: Lydia, oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia?/Lydia, the Tattooed Lady?/She has eyes that folks adore so/And a torso even more so/Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclopedia/Oh Lydia the queen of tattoo/On her back is the battle of Waterloo?/Beside it the wreck of the Hesperus too/And proudly above waves the red, white and blue/You can learn a lot from Lydia/She can give you a view of the world in tattoo/If you step up and tell her where/For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paris/Or Washington crossing the Dulowear/Lydia, oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia?/Lydia, the Tattooed Lady/When her muscles start relaxing/Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson/Lydia, oh Lydia, oh have you met Lydia?/Lydia the champ of them all/She once swept an admiral clear of his feet/The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat/And now the old boy's in command of the fleet/For he went and married Lydia.
Kermit the Frog: And now it's time to present two old friends of ours all the way from Sesame Street. Here they are now, the two and only: Ernie and Bert.
Ernie: And here he is now, that suave and sophisticated showman. My old buddy Bert. Well Bert, what do you say?
Bert: Some Enchanted Evening.
Ernie: I beg your pardon, Bert?
Bert: You may see a stranger.
Ernie: What's going on here?
Bert: You may a stranger across a crowded room/And somehow you'll know, you know even then/That somewhere you'll see her again and again/Who can explain it? Who can tell you why?/Fools give you reasons/Wise men never try.
[Connie Stevens emerges and begins dancing with him]
Bert: Oh, Connie... Once you have found her never let her go/Once you have found her never let her go.
Bert: Ernie? Ernie, come here... did I just make a complete fool of myself?
Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.
Bert: Take me home. I feel terrible.
Sgt. Floyd Pepper: No one to talk with all by myself./No one to walk with but I'm happy on the shelf/Ain't misbehavin', saving my love for you./I know for certain the one I love./I'm through with flirting./It's just you I'm dreaming of./Ain't misbehavin', saving my love for you/Like Jack Horner in the corner./Don't go nowhere, what do I care?/Your kisses are worth waiting for, believe me./I don't stay out late./Don't care to go./I'm home about eight./Just me and my radio./Ain't misbehavin' saving my love for you.
Statler: You think this show is educational?
Waldorf: Yes, it will drive people to read books.
Animal: [dancing with a Female Whatnot] One, two, three, dip!
[throws the Whatnot to the floor]
The Great Gonzo: Hilda, Hilda. Could I ask a great big favour?
Hilda: Oh, Gonzo, I'm very busy right now!
The Great Gonzo: Oh, but I brought my Teddy Bear in just especially for you to repair.
Hilda: Gonzo, aren't you a little old to carry around a teddy bear?
The Great Gonzo: Really? You think I'm emotionally mature enough to move up to a Raggedy Anne?
Fozzie: I've had it! Now that I know what people think of me here, I'm leaving the show.
The Great Gonzo: Hi, Scooter.
Scooter: Hi, Gonz.
The Great Gonzo: Say, I'm curious. What do you think of him?
[referring to his teddy bear]
Fozzie: [thinking they are talking about him] Listen! They're taking about me. Well, I will not listen!
Nigel: Okay, Zoot, it's time for your solo. Have you looked over the music?
Zoot: Do you expect me to play this, man?
Nigel: What else would you do with it?
Zoot: If I had a match I could put it out of its misery.
Nigel: Trust me, Zoot, this is a great little number.
Zoot: What if I refuse to play it?
Nigel: What if I get a new sax player?
Zoot: What if you and I just get right down to it and do this little beauty, huh?
Nigel: Good thought.
Zoot: Forgive me, Charlie Parker, wherever you are.
Wayne: Kermit, this is an ultimatum. We sing tonight or else!
Wanda: Kermit's not here, Wayne.
Wayne: Hmm... Hiding from my wrath no doubt.
Wanda: That's funny. He's not on stage either.
Wayne: Wanda, no one is on stage.
Wanda: You mean?
Wayne: Yes! This is our chance. We must grasp it.
Wanda: But this is supposed to be the place for the Connie Stevens spot?
Wayne: Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot! Who needs the Connie Stevens spot? Who cares about the Connie Stevens spot?
[Wayne sees Connie]
Wayne: ...I can't wait for the Connie Stevens spot!