- Kermit the Frog: Okay, time, once again, for that furry, fuzzy, funnyman, fabulous, free-wheeling, fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!
- Fozzie Bear: Hey hey hey hey hey! W-wait, wait wait wait, froggy, not so fast. Tonight, I'm going to use your assistance. Yes, sir. You and I are going to tell the world's funniest joke. This is all spontaneous, unrehearsed. Right, froggy?
- Kermit the Frog: It's unrehearsed, right.
- Fozzie Bear: Okay, okay, okay.
- [clears throat]
- Fozzie Bear: Now, frog of my heart, you will just wait until I say the word "hear". When you hear me say the word "hear", you will rush up to me and say, "Good grief! The comedian's a bear!"
- Kermit the Frog: Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
- Fozzie Bear: Check.
- Kermit the Frog: When you say the word "hear"?
- Fozzie Bear: Right.
- Kermit the Frog: Gotcha.
- Fozzie Bear: Okay. Now then... Hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a wonderful looking audience! It's a pleasure to be here!
- Kermit the Frog: Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
- Fozzie Bear: Not yet!
- Kermit the Frog: But you just said "here".
- Fozzie Bear: That was the wrong "here".
- Kermit the Frog: Which is the right "here"?
- Fozzie Bear: The other "hear"!
- [sends Kermit off]
- Fozzie Bear: Go, go, go. Okay. Hey, hey, folks, this is a story you gotta love to hear!
- Kermit the Frog: Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
- Fozzie Bear: Will you stop that?
- Kermit the Frog: But you said "hear"!
- Fozzie Bear: Not *that* "hear"!
- Kermit the Frog: Well, which "hear"?
- Fozzie Bear: Another "hear"!
- Kermit the Frog: How'm I gonna know?
- Fozzie Bear: You'll know when you hear!
- Kermit the Frog: Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
- Fozzie Bear: [makes an exasperated sound] Alright, listen, you will know when I point to you.
- [Kermit goes off-stage grumbling]
- Fozzie Bear: Alright, don't grumble.
- [clears throat, to audience]
- Fozzie Bear: Say, a funny thing to me on the way to the theater. At the stage door, I passed a bunch of Muppet fans and suddenly I hear...
- [pause, Fozzie points to Kermit]
- Kermit the Frog: Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
- Fozzie Bear: [in Italian dialect] No, he's-a not! He's-a wearing' a neck-a-tie!
- Thog: Maurice is such a good animal trainer. He got so much patience and courange and persistence...
- Maurice the Magnificent: Shut up!
- [cracks whip]
- Maurice the Magnificent: You black-hearted hell hound!
- Thog: ...and love. What a sweet man.
- Statler: Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.
- [Crazy Harry then appears]
- Crazy Harry: Heheheheheh! Did somebody say "bang"?
- Waldorf: No!
- [they punch Harry in the face]
- Crazy Harry: Well, you can't win 'em all.
- [they punch him again]
- Fozzie Bear: My house is so dirty that my dog buries his bones in the living room carpet. I don't understand it either.
- Sam the Eagle: Oh, ahem. I often get a tear in my eye when I introduce this next act. Oh.
- [He wipes away a tear]
- Sam the Eagle: Oh! There's one right there, you see? You see, because they represent to me the very best this show has to offer - indeed, the very best this country has to offer. So, here they are now, just as sweet offstage as they are on - Wayne and Wanda! Oh, I need a hanky.
- [the curtains open on Wayne and Wanda, with a bottle of champagne chilling on a table next to them. Wayne offers Wanda a glass as she begins to sing. As Wanda sings, she constantly blocks Wayne from the audience's view, frustrating him]
- Wanda: I get no kick from champagne/ Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all/ So tell me why should it be true/ That I get a kick - OW!
- [Wayne kicks Wanda off the stage and exits as the curtains close. Sam enters, wiping his eyes with his hanky]
- Sam the Eagle: Uh, you see wh-oh...
- [His voice trails off and he flees the stage in humiliation]
- Harvey Korman: [as Maurice the Magnificent] Speak. Speak, you demon! Speak!
- Thog: I hardly know where to begin.
- Rowlf: Anesthetic!
- Miss Piggy: Anesthetic, Dr. Bob.
- Patient: Uh, is this operation really nec-
- [Dr. Bob hits the patient over the head with a mallet and knocks him out cold]