Orson: The report, Mork.
Mork: This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness.
Orson: Do many people on Earth suffer from this disease?
Mork: Oh yes sir, and how they suffer. One man I know suffers so much he has to take a medication called bourbon, even that doesn't help very much because then he can hear paint dry.
Orson: Does bed rest help?
Mork: No because I've heard that sleeping alone is part of the problem. You see, Orson, loneliness is a disease of the spirit. People who have it think that no one cares about them.
Orson: Do you have any idea why?
Mork: Yes sir you can count on me. You see, when children are young, they're told not to talk to strangers. When they go to school, they're told not to talk to the person next to them. Finally when they're very old, they're told not to talk to themselves, who's left?
Orson: Are you saying Earthlings make each other lonely?
Mork: No sir I'm saying just the opposite. They make themeslves lonely, they're so busy looking out for number one that there's not enough room for two.
Orson: It's too bad everybody down there can't get together and find a cure.
Mork: Here's the paradox sir because if they did get together, they wouldn't need one. Isn't that zenlack?
Mindy McConnell: Don't you think you should change your clothes first?
Mork: Oh you're right, it's tough to be macho in a plastic green dress.
Mindy McConnell: Mork, it can be against the law to go in somebody's apartment when they're not home, even if the door's not locked.
Mork: Oh can you honestly say that since Watergate? Come on.
Franklin Delano Bickley: [finding Mork's age machine] What's this, some electronic noise maker?
Mork: No, it's a sign language radio for deaf people.
[sign language while singing]
Mork: I'll love you more than you'll ever know.
Franklin Delano Bickley: [about the noise] Keep it down!
Mork: [lowers his hand and continues] I'll love you more than you'll ever know.
Franklin Delano Bickley: Who keeps sucking ice cubes and spitting them back into an empty cup?
Julius: Oh, sorry!
Franklin Delano Bickley: [to Mindy] And quit putting ice cubes in the drinks. Do you know what it's like to have 13 people above you all tinkling at the same time?
Julius: Oh, sorry!
Mork: What's a kleptomaniac?
Mindy McConnell: Well a kleptomaniac is somebody who steals compulsively.
Mork: Oh, like politicians.
Mork: He stole your necklace, he stole your ribs, he's obviously not kosher.
Policeman: Found him going back and forth on the highway.
Mindy McConnell: Mork, why were you crossing the road?
Mork: I think I was evolving a joke. Kept having an urge to get to the other side.
Franklin Delano Bickley: [to his dog] You know Bicky, you're like my own son. If you could talk, I wonder what you'd say.
Mork: You're a thief, pop!
Franklin Delano Bickley: Well that hurts, Bicky, but... wait a minute, dogs can't talk, there must be some other animal in here. Come on out!
Mindy McConnell: [coming out from behind his couch] Hi, Mister Bickley.
Mork: [hands up] No shoot, GI, no shoot.
Franklin Delano Bickley: [seeing a bunch of people bent over playing Twister] Please! Don't get up. They didn't all come in that way, did they? That's obscene, that looks like a Christmas card from Hugh Hefner.
Mindy McConnell: It's a game, they're not supposed to fall over.
Franklin Delano Bickley: Oh really?
[kicks one player and knocks them all down]
Mindy McConnell: Are you alright?
Mork: Sure, I just love to play 'Squash the alien'.
Mindy McConnell: Oh, could you breathe down there?
Mork: Only out.
Mindy McConnell: Oh, well I'm sorry all those people fell on you, Mork.
Mork: Oh that's a great game, let's play another game like 'musical spikes' or 'hide and go kill'?
Mindy McConnell: Why don't you just come out and say you don't want to play the silly game?
Mork: I didn't want to be rude.
Mork: We'll try to be more quiet. We'll only play 'spin the sock', we'll replace our stereo needle with a Q-tip, and we'll all play charades wearing gloves.
Franklin Delano Bickley: Shut up!
Mork: Thank you!
Mindy McConnell: I can't believe you called all my friends!
Mork: I can't believe what they called you!
Mindy McConnell: Mork, that girl is not a criminal, she's a cheerleader!
Mork: Oh so that's why when she told me to drop dead she spelled it out, 'Give me a D, give me an R, give me an O'.
Franklin Delano Bickley: Don't play that stolen radio all night!
Franklin Delano Bickley: I'm not leaving until there's no more dancing, singing, laughing, talking or bodily sounds!
Julius: Oh, sorry!
Mork: [on the phone] Any friend of Mindy's is a friend of mine, listen, did you steal Mindy's necklace? What? Well I don't know what that has to do with anything but yes I can blow it out my ear!
Mindy McConnell: I didn't know you were married.
Franklin Delano Bickley: I lost her in 1966.
Mindy McConnell: Oh, I'm sorry...
Franklin Delano Bickley: Every night, I pray... the old bat doesn't find me. She didn't like me either.