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"Monty Python's Flying Circus" The Spanish Inquisition (TV Episode 1970) Poster

Quotes

Reg: Trouble at t'mill.

Lady M: Oh, no! What sort of trouble?

Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on't treddle.

Lady M: Pardon?

Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on't treddle.

Lady M: I don't understand what you're saying.

Reg: One of the cross beams has gone out of skew on the treadle.

Lady M: Well, what on earth does that mean?

Reg: I don't know! - Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

[the door flies open and in come three Cardinals in red robes]

Cardinal Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!... Surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency! Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four... no... Amongst our weapons... Hmf... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surpr... I'll come in again.

[They leave]

Reg: [gamely] I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[They burst in again]

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!... Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!

[the Spanish Inquisition is interrogating an old lady]

Cardinal Ximinez: Cardinal Fang! Fetch... the Comfy Chair!

[crashing dramatic chord]

Cardinal Fang: [horrified] The Comfy Chair?

[Fang scuttles off, then returns with the Comfy Chair and sits the old lady down in it]

Cardinal Ximinez: Now, you will sit in this chair until lunchtime, with nothing but a cup of coffee at 11!

Cardinal Ximinez: *Nobody* expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, fear and surprise. Our *two* weapons are fear and surprise, and ruthless efficiency. Our *three* weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical dedication to the pope. Our *four*... No... Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, sur- I'll come in again.

[leaves]

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Cardinal Ximinez: [Just as the episode finishes] NOBODY expects the Spa - oh, bugger.

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Biggles: Here they are, lord.

Ximinez: Now, old lady - you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly - *two* last chances. And you shall be free - *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Dear Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.

Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it - Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

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[repeated line]

Cardinal Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

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Animated policeman: I confess!

[sign: be seated]

Animated policeman: [he leans back to sit, but a hand pulls the chair out from under him]

Animated policeman: ooof!

[a snippet of god save the queen plays as he gets up]

Animated policeman: I confess!

[sign: be seated]

Animated policeman: [the chair is pulled out from under him again]

Animated policeman: oooof!

[god save the queen snippet]

Animated policeman: I confess!

[sign: be seated]

Animated policeman: [chair pulled away]

Animated policeman: oooooof!

[goes to next animated scene]

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The Announcer: And now for the very first time on the silver screen comes the film from two books which once shocked a generation. From Emily Brontë's 'Wuthering Heights' and from the 'International Guide to Semaphore Code,' Twentieth Century Vole presents 'The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights'.

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The Announcer: [voiceover of stock footage of a Roman chariot race] From the pulsating pages of history, from the dark and furious days of Imperial Rome, we bring you a story that shattered the world! A tale so gripping that they said it could not he filmed! A unique event in cinema history: 'Julius Caesar' On an Aldis Lamp!

[cuts to closeup of Caesar walking in a Roman street. A soothsayer runs up to him, wild-eyed, and flashes an Aldis lamp]

Soothsayer: [flashing Aldis lamp] Beware the Ides of March.

[Caesar is stabbed by the assassins, and as he collapses to the ground, he pulls out a very big Aldis lamp, and flashes it]

Caesar: [flashing his Aldis lamp] Et tu, Brute?

[cuts to a Western street, with two cowboys facing each other and holding Morse buzzers]

The Announcer: From the makers of 'Gunfight at the O.K. Corral in Morse Code.'

[the two buzz a bit. One of them collapses to the ground]

Gunman: [buzzing on his Morse buzzer] AAAAHHH!

[Cuts to a Red Indian making smoke signals]

The Announcer: And the smoke-signal version of 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes'!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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