Lumberjack: [singing] I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flow'rs... I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
Mr. Equator: Hello, my name is Equatol. Like the middle of the Earth, only with an L.
[he and his wife laugh hysterically]
Mr. Equator: This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit, but inside she has a heart of gold.
[both laugh hysterically again]
Hairdresser: Look... I never wanted to be a hairdresser in the first place. I wanted to be a lumberjack. Yes! A lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree! The crash of the mighty oak! The elm! The larch! With my best girlie by my side! We'd sing, sing, sing!
[the Lumberjack Song starts]
Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs.: Dear Sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the song you have just broadcast about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a few of them are transvestites. Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs. P.S. I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times.
Pepperpot: Well, I object to all this sex on the television! I mean, I keep falling off!
Kenny Lust: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the refreshment room here at Bletchley. My name is Kenny Lust and I'm your compère for tonight. You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege, to welcome here at the refreshment room, some of the truly great international artists of our time. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and gentlemen, someone whom I've always personally admired, perhaps more deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than ever before. A man... well, more than a man, a god, a great god, whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue, a man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth than dare tread on the same stage with him! Ladies and gentlemen... the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!
Man: [from offstage] He can't come!
Kenny Lust: Never mind, he's not all he's cracked up to be.
Announcer: And now for something completely different: a man with a tape recorder up his nose.
Announcer: And now for something completely different: a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.