Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. van Ranken, we'd like permission to search your pie.
Pat van Ranken: What?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Please don't make me say that again.
[Discussing their estranged father]
Ambrose Monk: Why aren't you out there looking for him?
Adrian Monk: Because I'm afraid I might find him.
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]
Adrian Monk: What's that for?
Sharona Fleming: For making my family seem normal.
Adrian Monk: He was at the park all last night.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.
Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which are found...
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: Near water...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: Wow!
Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.
[Monk and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he...
[he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken again]
Adrian Monk: You see, Sharona, what happened was...
[he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner]
Adrian Monk: I have no idea.
Sharona Fleming: Ambrose... come with us!
Ambrose Monk: Me? No, no, no.
Sharona Fleming: You just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose Monk: That's my plan... yes.
Sharona Fleming: You have a brother? What does he do?
Adrian Monk: He writes instruction manuals for blenders... and toaster ovens.
Adrian Monk: So, Ambrose, what am I...? Why am I here?
Ambrose Monk: Believe it or not, I need your help. It's about my next door neighbor. His name is Pat van Ranken.
Sharona Fleming: What about him?
Ambrose Monk: I'm eighty-five to ninety percent sure that he killed his wife.
Sharona Fleming: Well, at least you two are talking.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, because that is it! I am never setting foot in that house again, okay? I have my own problems!
Sharona Fleming: Really? I never noticed.
Adrian Monk: Okay, now you're being sardonic.
Sharona Fleming: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm his assistant, Sharona Fleming. Who's this? Hold on.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian? You have a brother?
[pause; everyone looks up, surprised]
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir. You must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, don't answer it! I... I might have a brother.
Sharona Fleming: You told me you were an only child.
Adrian Monk: I consider myself an only child. Look, we're not close. He has issues.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian Monk: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!
Ambrose Monk: [about Adrian] You should have seen him. Going into stores and buying things all by himself when he was 15. Driving a car when he was 23. Going out on dates - going out on dates with women, at twenty-six years of age!
Sharona Fleming: He's a regular Evel Knievel.
[while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]
Bingo Addict: Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.
Adrian Monk: Uh, no, thank you.
Bingo Addict: Go ahead. Rub the troll.
Adrian Monk: No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.
Bingo Addict: If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.
[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll with his shirt sleeve]
Lt. Randall Disher: [as Sharona digs through the cherry pie] Actually this is one of my fantasies. Except it's not a pie. And you're not in it.
[Ambrose leads Adrian and Sharona into another room of the house]
Sharona Fleming: What's this?
Adrian Monk: Every newspaper printed since 1968.
Ambrose Monk: I am as God made me.
Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, come with us.
Ambrose Monk: Oh, no, I can't.
Sharona Fleming: You're just gonna hide inside this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose Monk: That's my plan, yes.
Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, you know what? Adrian's scared, too. All the time. But he doesn't let it stop him. Okay, now you tell me: what does he have that you don't have?
Ambrose Monk: He has you.
Town Offical: [prize drawing at the potato sack raze] First prize is this brand-new stereo boombox!
[the girl who came in first place comes up]
Town Offical: Here you go, sweetheart.
[He picks up the boombox and some of the speakers fall off, dangling by their cords]
Town Offical: Uhh, we're going to get you a new one. Second prize is this delicious homemade cherry pie! Who came in second?
Pat van Ranken: Right here.
Town Offical: Here you go, sir!
[hands the pie over to van Ranken]
Town Offical: Bon appetit!
[Stottlemeyer has come to Ambrose's house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [noticing the stuffed filing cabinet] What's with the filing cabinet?
Sharona Fleming: Mail.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mail?
Sharona Fleming: 30 years worth of mail.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. That makes sense. Not to me, but...