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"Monk" Mr. Monk and the Three Pies (TV Episode 2004) Poster

(TV Series)

(2004)

Quotes

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. van Ranken, we'd like permission to search your pie.

Pat van Ranken: What?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Please don't make me say that again.

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[Discussing their estranged father]

Ambrose Monk: Why aren't you out there looking for him?

Adrian Monk: Because I'm afraid I might find him.

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Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.

Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.

Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.

Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.

Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.

Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.

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[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]

Adrian Monk: What's that for?

Sharona Fleming: For making my family seem normal.

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Adrian Monk: He was at the park all last night.

Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.

Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.

Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?

Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?

Adrian Monk: Um...

Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...

Sharona Fleming: Wow.

Ambrose Monk: Which are found...

Adrian Monk: Um...

Ambrose Monk: Near water...

Sharona Fleming: Wow.

Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.

Sharona Fleming: Wow!

Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."

Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.

Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.

Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.

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[Monk and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]

Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!

Sharona Fleming: Why?

Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he...

[he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken again]

Adrian Monk: You see, Sharona, what happened was...

[he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner]

Adrian Monk: I have no idea.

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Sharona Fleming: Ambrose... come with us!

Ambrose Monk: Me? No, no, no.

Sharona Fleming: You just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?

Ambrose Monk: That's my plan... yes.

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Sharona Fleming: You have a brother? What does he do?

Adrian Monk: He writes instruction manuals for blenders... and toaster ovens.

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Adrian Monk: So, Ambrose, what am I...? Why am I here?

Ambrose Monk: Believe it or not, I need your help. It's about my next door neighbor. His name is Pat van Ranken.

Sharona Fleming: What about him?

Ambrose Monk: I'm eighty-five to ninety percent sure that he killed his wife.

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Sharona Fleming: Well, at least you two are talking.

Adrian Monk: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, because that is it! I am never setting foot in that house again, okay? I have my own problems!

Sharona Fleming: Really? I never noticed.

Adrian Monk: Okay, now you're being sardonic.

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Sharona Fleming: How did you remember that?

Ambrose Monk: It's a gift, and a curse.

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Sharona Fleming: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm his assistant, Sharona Fleming. Who's this? Hold on.

[to Monk]

Sharona Fleming: Adrian? You have a brother?

[pause; everyone looks up, surprised]

Adrian Monk: No.

Sharona Fleming: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir. You must have the wrong Adrian Monk.

[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again]

Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, don't answer it! I... I might have a brother.

Sharona Fleming: You told me you were an only child.

Adrian Monk: I consider myself an only child. Look, we're not close. He has issues.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?

Adrian Monk: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!

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Ambrose Monk: [about Adrian] You should have seen him. Going into stores and buying things all by himself when he was 15. Driving a car when he was 23. Going out on dates - going out on dates with women, at twenty-six years of age!

Sharona Fleming: He's a regular Evel Knievel.

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[while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]

Bingo Addict: Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.

Adrian Monk: Uh, no, thank you.

Bingo Addict: Go ahead. Rub the troll.

Adrian Monk: No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.

Bingo Addict: If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.

[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll with his shirt sleeve]

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Lt. Randall Disher: [as Sharona digs through the cherry pie] Actually this is one of my fantasies. Except it's not a pie. And you're not in it.

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[Ambrose leads Adrian and Sharona into another room of the house]

Sharona Fleming: What's this?

Adrian Monk: Every newspaper printed since 1968.

[Sharona groans]

Ambrose Monk: I am as God made me.

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Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, come with us.

Ambrose Monk: Oh, no, I can't.

Sharona Fleming: You're just gonna hide inside this house for the rest of your life?

Ambrose Monk: That's my plan, yes.

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Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, you know what? Adrian's scared, too. All the time. But he doesn't let it stop him. Okay, now you tell me: what does he have that you don't have?

Ambrose Monk: He has you.

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Town Offical: [prize drawing at the potato sack raze] First prize is this brand-new stereo boombox!

[the girl who came in first place comes up]

Town Offical: Here you go, sweetheart.

[He picks up the boombox and some of the speakers fall off, dangling by their cords]

Town Offical: Uhh, we're going to get you a new one. Second prize is this delicious homemade cherry pie! Who came in second?

Pat van Ranken: Right here.

Town Offical: Here you go, sir!

[hands the pie over to van Ranken]

Town Offical: Bon appetit!

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[Stottlemeyer has come to Ambrose's house]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [noticing the stuffed filing cabinet] What's with the filing cabinet?

Sharona Fleming: Mail.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mail?

Sharona Fleming: 30 years worth of mail.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. That makes sense. Not to me, but...

[Adrian interrupts]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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