Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you're not a wuss.
Adrian Monk: Well I'm not a man either. I'm a kind of mutant: half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] Why don't you ask the Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whatever it is, thank you for asking, but I can't do it.
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Steve Wagner] Congratulations on your flight. And congratulations on the crash landing four years ago. And on marrying a figure skater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Congratulations on your whole life.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, maybe you found a motive. Maybe. But it doesn't matter, and I'll tell you why. Because your suspect, Monk, was in outer space. He wasn't on this planet.
Lt. Randall Disher: [makes a model of a spaceship] Here's the ship. And let's pretend this globe represents the Earth.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a globe. It *does* represent the Earth.
Lt. Randall Disher: [after demonstrating his very unbelievable escape pod theory] It's just a theory.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I don't think so. I've heard theories before, and, uh, they don't sound like that.
Natalie Teeger: [after hearing that both Monk *and* Steve Wagner are coming to Julie's career day] You're both coming? I'm going to be Class Mom of the Year!
Adrian Monk: [to Julie's class] Who wants to be a detective when they grow up?
[several kids raise their hands, resulting in a row where all but one of the kids have their hands raised]
Adrian Monk: What about you? No? Everybody in your row has their hand up. If you put your hand up, it will be a perfect row. Put your hand up!
Adrian Monk: A killer has to be perfect. And nobody's perfect.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Which of your fears would you like to work on first?
Adrian Monk: Glaciers.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Glaciers.
Adrian Monk: No. Rodeos. Nah. Glaciers.
[Monk and Natalie try to get Wagner to invite them to Paxton Air Force Base]
Adrian Monk: Could we come, too? I'm a big aviation buff... fan.
Natalie Teeger: So true!
Adrian Monk: Fan or buff. I love airplanes.
Natalie Teeger: Just crazy about the...
Adrian Monk: Can't get enough of them.
Natalie Teeger: ...the takeoff.
Adrian Monk: And the wings and all.
Natalie Teeger: And, uh, the... the...
Adrian Monk: ...the rudder.
Natalie Teeger: ...the landing. You wouldn't mind if we come, do you?
Natalie Teeger: [noticing Monk putting a head onto a missile] Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Savo: [speaking into his walkie-talkie] They're at Ramp #2. He's handling a missile.
[Monk is now polishing the head of the missile]
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no, no! These are missiles. They could be nuclear weapons!
Adrian Monk: Then stop me, for the love of God.
Adrian Monk: I can't speak in public.
Natalie Teeger: See, that's not true. Remember when I first started working for you and you made that list with all of your fears and phobias, there were one hundred and three things, public speaking wasn't one of them.
Adrian Monk: Actually, there were a couple of things I didn't mention; I didn't want you to think I was weird.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good work, sir!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't have to sound so surprised, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I'm not surprised. Awestruck.
Lt. Randall Disher: Awestruck.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't be, and that's an order.
Lt. Randall Disher: You're ordering me not to be awestruck?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's right. Stand over there and don't be awestruck.
Natalie Teeger: You can't just take mail from somebody's porch.
Darrell Cain: Yeah, you can if it's fruit. The law doesn't apply to fruit because it's perishable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, sir, the law does apply to fruit.
[turns to Disher, who is eating a nectarine from the box]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you eating one?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nope. I was just putting that back.
[throws the nectarine back into the Fruit of the Month box]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now maybe we should take a minute and see if we can think of a better alibi.
Adrian Monk: I am such a... what do you call it?
Natalie Teeger: Wuss? No, Mr. Monk, you are not a wuss.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm not a man. I know that. I'm a mutant. Half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.
Steve Wagner: I hear you've been checking up on me, calling Joanne's family, her publisher, turning over rocks. If you want to talk to me, let's talk right now, man to muss.