Sharona Fleming: Don't you ever wonder why you don't get invited anywhere?
Adrian Monk: No, not really...
Sharona Fleming: Do you know who asked me out? I'll give you a hint. He's a doctor.
Adrian Monk: Kevorkian?
Sharona Fleming: Very funny.
Benjy Fleming: [about Monk] Can I take him to school? Like, for show-and-tell?
Biederbeck: Where were we? Bread and butter.
Adrian Monk: [shocked] What?
Biederbeck: "Bread and butter." Those were Trudy's last words, weren't they? The transcript of the coroner's inquest is a matter of public record. The Internet, Monk; it's the fat man's best friend. It's been troubling me for years. What could she have meant? "Bread and butter."
Adrian Monk: Go to hell.
Biederbeck: [laughing] No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap-accessible.
Biederbeck: [to Randy, standing at Dale's window] Excuse me? Excuse me, PUTZ? You're blocking the view. It's really all I have.
Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene in a house that's been ransacked] I don't feel so good.
Adrian Monk: It's like a Feng Shui nightmare in here!
Sharona Fleming: [referring to Dale 'the Whale' Biederbeck] In case you're wondering, YES, he really is that fat, okay? He's ORCA! He's horrific!
Biederbeck: Well, my, my, my, it's the boys in blue!
Biederbeck: And the former boy in blue! Forgive me if I don't get up.
Sharona Fleming: [referring to Dale 'the Whale' Biederbeck] I never heard of him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He spends a fortune every year making sure nobody ever hears of him. He buys newspapers just to keep his name out of them.
Dr. Christian Vezza: Biederbeck, you're an abomination. An odious, gluttonous... putrid freak of nature.
Biederbeck: Wow, it's been a long time since anyone's called me THAT.
Adrian Monk: [Monk receives a phone call at Sharona's house] Hello?
Biederbeck: Bread and butter. Bread and butter. It's been driving me crazy. What could she have possibly meant? Bread and butter. I figure it was a message. A secret message, just for you.
Adrian Monk: What can I do for you, Dale?
Biederbeck: Well, I'm a little worried about Sharona. She sort of fell apart on us last night. I'm really not sure if we can count on her, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: You have other things to worry about.
Biederbeck: You can't scare me. Don't even try. You're meek. Meeky meek meek.
Biederbeck: [referring to Monk] Hey, did he tell you about his wife and me?
Sharona Fleming: I know all about it.
Biederbeck: No, you don't. He didn't tell you. He's too ashamed. See, nine years ago, his beloved Trudy wrote a piece on me in which she said I was, 'the Genghis Khan of world finance.' So I sued her and the rag that published the piece. Now, I knew I couldn't win, but I dragged things on long enough that eventually Mr. and Mrs. Monk had to sell everything. Even that cute little starter house they lived in. You know who owns it now?
Sharona Fleming: You.
Biederbeck: Mm-hmm. I use it to store my pornography collection. Which reminds me, are you interested in earning a little extra money?
Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!
Adrian Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.
Biederbeck: [enraged] YOU...! YOU...!
[reaches out in an attempt to strangle Monk]
Sharona Fleming: What's he doing?
Adrian Monk: [leaning in closer to Dale, staying just out of reach] I think he's trying to kill me.
[Dale finally gives up, flopping back on the bed in exhaustion]
Adrian Monk: Wasn't really much of a fight, was it?
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my buisiness, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: [smiling] I doubt it.
Sharona Fleming: What did Trudy mean by 'bread and butter?'
Adrian Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say 'bread and butter'.
Sharona Fleming: So when she died...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, this is what normal people do on a Sunday morning.
Benjy Fleming: Mom, we're not exactly normal.
Sharona Fleming: We are compared to some people.
[glances at Monk]
Adrian Monk: I know Biederbeck; you don't. He's dangerous. This man is capable of anything.
Sharona Fleming: He weighs eight hundred and four pounds. What is he going to do, break wind on me?
Sharona Fleming: [to Sue Ellen] This is my friend, Mr. Monk. He just wants to ask you a couple of questions about what you saw the night that the judge was, umm...
Sue Ellen: Brutally slain.
Biederbeck: [as Monk enters] Well, my, my, my! It's the Defective Detective once more. Lay it on me, Einstein!
[watching a Congressional hearing on TV]
Biederbeck: [into phone] I know your boss is busy, Danny, I'm watching it! Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now. Not later, now. Is he in or out? If he's in, tell him to... clean his glasses.
[on the TV, a Congressman's aide leans over and whispers in his ear; the Congressman takes off his glasses and polishes them]
Biederbeck: Congratulate the Congressman; he's just been re-elected to a fifth term.
[hangs up and laughs to himself]
Biederbeck: Oh, it's better than the Home Shopping Network.
Sharona Fleming: What kind of dog is that?
[she reaches across Biederbeck's stomach to feel it]
Biederbeck: Now, sweetheart, if you want to feel my stomach, all you have to do is ask.
Sharona Fleming: I wasn't...
Biederbeck: Of course you were! You're wondering what they're all wondering. "My God, can he really be that big?" Let's find out, shall we?
[lifting the front of his pajamas]
Biederbeck: Totally al fresco!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm here to arrest you for the murder of Judge Catherine Lavinio. That's a warrant, duly sworn.
Biederbeck: Sweetheart, I'll have to call you back. Doctor, would you call Martin Klein and tell him we're suing the city for malicious prosecution, again?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I have hired a construction company to take out this door, we're gonna get a crane up here and lower your fat ass down to the street.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you at around midnight last night?
Biederbeck: Where was I? Let me think... where was I? Oh, yes, I was here! I haven't left this room in eleven years, I'm five and a half feet wide, in case you didn't notice!
Biederbeck: More of me to love, honey.
[first lines; a call comes in to the 911 dispatch center]
Police Dispatcher: 911 emergency.
Voice of Judge Lavinio: Oh, God. He's in the house. You've got to help me. He's going to kill me!
Police Dispatcher: Okay, ma'am, now just calm down. Who is in the house?
Voice of Judge Lavinio: It's Dale Biederbeck. Dale Biederbeck!
Police Dispatcher: [typing into his computer] Dale... Biederbeck. Ma'am, what is your address?
Voice of Judge Lavinio: It's 415 Vinton. For God's sakes, hurry!
Police Dispatcher: Okay, stay with me. Is he armed? Ma'am?
["Lavinio" breathes heavily]
Police Dispatcher: Does he have a weapon? Are you being threatened?
Voice of Judge Lavinio: He doesn't need a weapon. He's Dale Biederbeck!
[the second dispatcher issues a notice out to patrol cars]
2nd dispatcher: All units, possible 556 in progress.
Police Dispatcher: Ma'am, can you get to a safe place?
Voice of Judge Lavinio: No, I'm upstairs. I'm trapped.
Police Dispatcher: Okay, ma'am. Just stay by the phone.
Voice of Judge Lavinio: Here he comes. Oh, my God!
[a shadow of a man is seen from an upstairs window approaching Judge Lavinio]
Voice of Judge Lavinio: No! No!
[She screams, and the line disconnects]
Police Dispatcher: Ma'am?
[the line has disconnected]
Police Dispatcher: Ma'am? Hello?