Tommy Noonan: Jim Hayes

Quotes 

• Michael Anthony : [At the front door of the Hayes' apartment]  Good evening. Are you Mr. James Hayes?

  Jim Hayes : Yes. What can I do for you?

  Michael Anthony : My name is Michael Anthony. I came here to...

  [Anthony glances back to the apartment corridor] 

  Michael Anthony : Excuse me, Can I step inside?

  Jim Hayes : I'm rather busy now.

  Michael Anthony : This will only take a minute.

  Jim Hayes : Can't it wait?

  Michael Anthony : [Anthony gently slips into the apartment and closes the door]  It could. But when you hear what I've got for you

  [Opens his briefcase] 

  Jim Hayes : I said I was busy.

  Michael Anthony : But I have a gift for you. A check for a million dollars.

  [Anthony hands the check to Hayes] 

  Jim Hayes : [Ignores check]  Thank you very much. Now if you'll excuse me...

  Michael Anthony : Will you just look at it?

  [Hayes looks closely at check] 

  Michael Anthony : It's a cashier's check.

  Jim Hayes : A check for a million dollars.

  Michael Anthony : With your name on it, Mr. Hayes.

  Jim Hayes : [Stunned, repeating]  It's a check for a million dollars.

  Michael Anthony : And the tax has already been paid.

  Jim Hayes : [Still repeating]  It's a check for a million dollars.

  Michael Anthony : The donor wishes to remain anonymous.

  [Opens his briefcase and retrieves a document] 

  Michael Anthony : Now, they only requirement of you is to sign this paper stating that you are not to reveal to anyone, except your wife, the amount of his gift or the way in which you received it. Should you tell, you will forfeit whatever money remains.

  Jim Hayes : Is that all?

  [Anthony nods] 

  Jim Hayes : This is a check for a million dollar.

  [Anthony nods] 

  Jim Hayes : That's a thousand thousand - all the money in the world!

  Michael Anthony : [Anthony chuckles]  Now, if you will just sign here

  [Anthony offers a pen to Hayes but Hayes has grabbed his own pen and quickly signs. Anthony returns the agreement to his briefcase] 

  Jim Hayes : Oh, I've got to tell me wife!

  [Starts for the bedroom door, then stops] 

  Jim Hayes : Shelley! Oh, I forgot - it's her day off.

  [Anthony is shocked] 

  Jim Hayes : I mean, she's out, shopping.

  Michael Anthony : [as he prepares to depart]  Well, you'll certainly have something to tell her when she gets home, won't you, Mr. Hayes? Good bye and good luck.

  [Anthony leaves]