Maude Findlay: I keep forgetting. Is black coffee good or bad for a woman in my condition?
Carol Traynor: Well, it keeps you awake.
Maude Findlay: Bad. That's what GOT me in this condition.
Carol Traynor: Mother, you don't have to have the baby. I told you before there's no reason to feel guilty and there's certainly no reason to be afraid.
[Maude doesn't reply]
Carol Traynor: [Frustrated] You're like talking to a stone wall!
Maude Findlay: A PREGNANT stone wall!
Maude Findlay: [to Carol, about Walter] Last night, in his sleep, he said Maude, I want to have this baby.
Carol Traynor: [With a sigh of relief] Well why didn't you tell me that before?
Maude Findlay: Because it's not true. Look, Carol, I just want to get you OFF MY BACK!
Dr. Arthur Harmon: Just between you and me Walter, I don't know why Maude wants to have the baby at all. At her age you know there are certain risks.
Walter Findlay: Well don't underestimate the maternal instinct, Arthur. Besides, she might also be fighting the idea of abortion on moral grounds.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: And you don't want to interfere?
Walter Findlay: I think I interfered enough already!
Walter Findlay: [Referring to a vasectomy] Tell me something. What's it like after...
Dr. Arthur Harmon: After the snip, snip?
Walter Findlay: [Cringing] After the snip, snip.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: Nothing, except you can't make babies. That's all.
Walter Findlay: And that's it?
Dr. Arthur Harmon: That's it.
Walter Findlay: I don't change into a Soprano, do I?
Maude Findlay: Listen honey, would you like a pickle?
Walter Findlay: No, thanks.
Maude Findlay: They probably go better with pregnancies than with vasectomies.
Walter Findlay: [to Maude] Sweetheart, would it disappoint you too much to learn that becoming a father was never one of my life's ambitions? I- I don't know why. For years I used to feel guilty about it. For years people told me I was nuts or too selfish. How can I not love kids? Well I do love kids, but they don't have to be mine. That's probably the worst confession I'll ever make. Do ya hate me?
Walter Findlay: Maude. I think it would be wrong to have a child at our age.
Maude Findlay: [Tearing up] Oh, so do I Walter.
Maude Findlay: Oh, so do I.