Al Bundy: Before I get to the main event, I would like to start this auction with a genuine photograph of the Loch Ness monster.
Jefferson D'Arcy: [looks at the photo] God, Al, that's horrific. What exactly is that?
Al Bundy: A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't see a bathtub in there.
Al Bundy: Trust me Jefferson, it's under there somewhere.
Star Disher: [looks at the photo] That's not the Loch Ness monster. He's not that big.
Al Bundy: Jefferson, would you stop taking pictures so we can enjoy this place?
[two bussom blond ladies enter]
Al Bundy: Jefferson, would you start taking pictures so we can enjoy this place?
Helga: Willkimen! We are your Swedish masseuses. I'm Helga.
Inga: I'm Inga.
Al Bundy: [leering] And I'm Alga.
Jefferson D'Arcy: And I'm gaga.
Inga: May we carry your bags in for you?
Al Bundy: Jefferson, we died and went to the land of milk and... honeys!
Shannon Tweed: So the next time you want to see me in a hot tub, you rent my upcoming straight-to-video classic, Ernest Pays for Sex. And don't forget to rewind.
Randolph: Mr. Bundy and Mr. D'Arcy? I'm Randolph the innkeeper. I've been trying to get ahold of you. I want to tell you that there's been a slight change in your cabin assignments.
Jefferson D'Arcy: What's the change?
Randolph: You don't have one.
Al Bundy: That's okay. We'll just bunk in with Helga and Inga.
Helga: Ja, sure.
Randolph: Helga, Inga, you're late for topless happy hour.
[Helga and Inga exit]
Jefferson D'Arcy: [to Randolph] Hey, you can't just bump us out of here. We made our reservation for this place over a year ago. Here's the paperwork with our confirmation number.
Randolph: [takes the paper from Jefferson and tears it in two; rude tone] So you did.
Al Bundy: Hey, why'd you do that? What's your problem?
Randolph: Let me explain something. You're nobodies and you have a reservation. Shannon Tweed is a famous actress and she doesn't have a reservation. Explanation over, now get off my property.
Shannon Tweed: Being a famous actress, I guess I've gotten used to having my own way and , well, I might have forgotten that other people have feelings too. But without those people, I'm not a famous star, I'm just an average woman.
Al Bundy: With way above average hooters.