[the hooded Grim Reaper materialized before Al]
Al Bundy: How'd you do that?
The Grim Reaper: I'm Death. That's the first thing they teach you in Death School. Got to have a gimmick.
[Al puts his hand on the hooded figure, and it goes right through the non-corporeal Grim Reaper]
Al Bundy: Hey, you are Death!
The Grim Reaper: OOOOOH, you found my G-spot.
[the Grim Reaper reveals itself as Peggy]
The Grim Reaper: This? I though that might get you. Actually, I can look any way I want. I can be your greatest fantasy. I can be your worst nightmare. I could be my worst nightmare. But who'd want to go around looking like Sally Struthers?
The Grim Reaper: Any time between now and midnight, if any member of your family says that they need you in any way, I'll let you live.
Al Bundy: All my family has to do is say that they need me?
The Grim Reaper: That's right.
Al Bundy: Just once?
The Grim Reaper: Just once.
Al Bundy: Oh... in that case, I'll go back my suitcase.
Al Bundy: Suppose my family lets me down. Do you have any idea where I might be going after I die?
The Grim Reaper: Well, you might want to bring along a lot of sunblock lotion. SPF: one million.
Al Bundy: What?
The Grim Reaper: I'm just kidding. Maybe...
Cowboy, Village Person: Hey, sorry about the Dodge out front.
Kelly Bundy: Why, did you hit it?
Cowboy, Village Person: No. I'm just sorry about.
Ethel: That's the real policeman! I know that nightstick anywhere!
Policeman, Village Person: Don't make me use it!
Bud Bundy: Hey Mom, you've got to see this. They hog-tied the Cowboy. They handcuffed the Policeman. And they glue-gunned the Construction Worker to the Indian!
Peggy Bundy: Well, what about the other two?
[the Sailor and Leatherman run in covered in toilet paper]
Sailor, Village Person: They're T.P.ing us!
Leatherman, Village Person: They don't normally do this until we sing 'Feeling'.
Marcy D'Arcy: I'm giving next door a charity benefit for this group of women who have murdered their own husbands just to watch them die. And I've invited over a famous group over, the Village People. They were huge. They sold millions. They just called collect to say they're delayed and may not make it. So, as a favor for me, I'd like all of you to come over to the party...
Bud Bundy: [to Kelly] I thought she was going to ask us to dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Marcy D'Arcy: And dress up as the Village People and entertain.
Kelly Bundy: That's insane.
Peggy Bundy: We couldn't possibly pull that off.
Bud Bundy: Yeah, now what kind of idiot would set himself up for a suicide mission like that?
[Jefferson enters wearng skin-tight black leather as the Leatherman]
Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't know about this, Marcy. Are you sure the Leatherman wears pants this tight? The cow these came from couldn't walk in this leather.
Marcy D'Arcy: Jefferson, there are women at our house who have killed their own husbands just for saying "where's my bacon?" Now, do you want to be the one to tell them that there's no Village People?
Jefferson D'Arcy: [terrified] No.
Marcy D'Arcy: Now, go oil your pecs and get macho.
Jefferson D'Arcy: I'll oil my pecs, but no way I'm getting macho. I've got my dignity.
Al Bundy: Oh, please! Please don't take me! I didn't mean it when I wished I was dead. Well, maybe I wished I was dead once or twice... or maybe a hundred times, but I didn't mean it. It's like you don't mean something when you say it like "I love you" or "I wish I was dead". Why don't you take someone that really deserves to die like Michael Bolton, or that guy who wrote the Facts of Life theme song?
The Grim Reaper: I knew it! Another wimp chickening out in the face of eternal darkness. I didn't have this kind of problem with Elvis.
Al Bundy: Elvis? Elvis Presley? So, it's true? Elvis really is...
The Grim Reaper: Oh, please! Of course Elvis is dead. Did you know it took six men to get him out of there? He was so big that they had to take the bathroom door off it's hinges. As they were carring him out on a strecher they kept sliping on Ding-Dongs and Ho-Ho's all the way out, adding to the big mess all over the bathroom floor. You wouldn't lick the back of one of his postage stamps if you saw what I saw.