- Maray the Couch Maker: My name is Maray, Maray!
- Kelly: How do you spell that?
- Maray the Couch Maker: M-A-R-*Y*.
- Kelly: Okay, how do you spell "Mary"?
- Maray the Couch Maker: M-*A*-R-Y.
- Jefferson: This may come as a surprise to you, but your couch wasn't exactly a popular item.
- Bud: How many were made? 1,000? 500?
- Jefferson: Two.
- Kelly: How many did they sell?
- Jefferson: One.
- Kelly: Great. Then all we have to do is find the one they sold. How hard could that be?
- Bud: [Giving Kelly a look] Boy when your looks go, you're dead. You're dead.
- Gunther: [after torching the Bundy couch] Kelly, I cannot help but feel that in some small way this is my fault.
- Kelly: [the couch has been torched] If Mom finds out about this, it could kill her.
- Bud: Kel, don't you think you're exaggerating just a little?
- Kelly: [the phone rings; Kelly answers] Hello?
- Peggy: Is my couch okay?
- Kelly: Your couch? Why yes, it's fine. It's lovely. Why do you ask?
- Peggy: Well the funniest thing happened: for no reason, my rear end suddenly got warm.
- Bud: [fashioning a haphazard little love nest on the front porch] Now, I know this might not be quite as comfortable as what you're used to, my dear, but personally, I find making love indoors restrictive. So I'm glad that attendant threw us out of his photomat.
- Naomi: You're as broke as a two-dollar wristwatch, aren't you?
- Bud: And hornier than a funeral in New Orleans, baby.
- [gesturing at the makeshift bed]
- Bud: Shall we?
- Naomi: [scoffs] No!
- Bud: No? Where'd you pick up that kind of language?
- Naomi: Look, I don't know what kind of tramp you think I am, but just because a man can build a nest like a wren, doesn't mean I'll make out with him. Goodbye.
- [turns and leaves]
- Bud: But I'm wearing 'Simply Abe!'
- [waves the dollar note worn around his collar]
- Kelly Bundy: It's perfect! It's perfect! Even down to the stains.
- Mary: Made 'em myself.
- Kelly Bundy: How much?
- Mary: Don't insult me with money.
- Kelly Bundy: Well, how can I insult you?
- Kelly: You see, Budrick, these kids look at me as the Verminator, and all they see is glamor and bright lights and deadly poison, but I'm more than just a sexy chick who kills bugs. I'm a role model. So I volunteered to shoot a public service announcement in the house to encourage them to read.
- Bud: [incredulously] But, Kel, you can't read.
- Kelly: Yeah, well, you can't score, but you still have a bed. Anyway, I just thought that it was time I gave something back to the community.
- Bud: Well, judging by the lines at the free clinic, you already have.
- Kelly: You know, that's the sort of crack that would have made the old Kelly call you a 'rubber-loving Barbie thumper.'
- Bud: I can't believe you burnt down Mom's couch.
- Kelly: [defensively] Well, I can't believe you bought that stupid 'concern for illiteracy' crap. I mean, if you had doubted me the way you were supposed to, this never would have happened.
- Bud: Nice try, pyro-nymph.
- Kelly: Bud, you've got to help me.
- Bud: Oh sure, if you don't mind a life of servitude and degradation, I hear Saudi-Arabia needs blondes
- [grins]
- Bud: .
- Maray the Couch Maker: [gruffly] You from the escort service I called back in '79?
- Kelly: No, I'm here to see a man about a couch.
- Maray the Couch Maker: Well, come on in. But if the escort babe shows up, you're gonna have to leave. Besides, I don't know where you got the idea that I have a couch.
- [Kelly stands regarding a menagerie of couches]
- Maray the Couch Maker: You want a couch, you go to a mall. You want a chair, you go to a mall. You wanna see teenage girls ride up and down escalators wearing very short skirts, you go to a mall. But, you wanna eat fried squirrel off a dirt floor, you come here. Can I get you anything?
- Bud Bundy: Guess what, Kel. Next Saturday night, I got a shot at a babe that hasn't used the word 'no' since the last time someone asked her if she ever used the word 'no'.