- Kelly: [Al's attention is directed towards the TV] Hi, Daddy.
- [wears brunette wig]
- Al: Look at this. The bad guys shoot Superman a dozen times, see the bullets bounce off, so they throw their guns at him.
- [ignored, Kelly sighs]
- Al: It's like they can't kill him, so they think they"d give him a really bad bruise.
- [Kelly raises her eyes]
- Al: What a bunch of morons!
- Kelly: [sighs] Daddy, do you notice anything different about me?
- Al: No, son.
- Kelly: Daddy, it's Kelly.
- Al: [impatiently] Well, tell her to come in!
- Kelly: I am already *in*. And I am wearing a brunette wig. "Why?" you ask? It's because I got picked to do a public service announcement. And I decided I should do it as a brunette, since blondes have a reputation for being dumb. Which we all know is just a stereo system.
- [Al has to masquerade as Jefferson by lying next to her in bed; when Amber comes in, Al has to pretend to be asleep while listening to them talk about their periods]
- Al: [thinking] The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.
- Jefferson: I got a big problem, Al. Marcy hasn't let go of that Barbie doll since I gave it to her. I need you to do me a little favor.
- [Al pulls a "Big 'Uns" from under the couch]
- Al: Can I do it while I'm reading the magazine?
- Jefferson: You know, that magazine still belongs to me until you've paid me for it.
- Al: What is the favor?
- Jefferson: I need you to sleep with Marcy.
- [Al reacts by slapping Jefferson' arm with the magazine]
- Jefferson: I don't mean "sleep" with her. Just lie next to her so I can have enough time to switch that Barbie with the regular Nurse Barbie. That 'Barbie-phile' we saw at the auction will give me $50,000 and the substitute. It'll just take an hour 'til I make the trade. How about it?
- Al: But, Jefferson, Peg might wake up and notice me gone, and then it might ruin an otherwise... sickening marriage.
- [Peggy catches Al sneaking in the front door after being next door]
- Peggy: Al! It is four o'clock in the morning! Where have you been?
- Al: Uh... next door, sleeping with Marcy.
- Peggy: Don't lie to me! What's that smell?
- [Peggy sniffs at Al's clothing]
- Peggy: You smell like fried chicken. You've been snacking at Shecky's All Night Chicken Shack. Haven't you?
- Bud Bundy: I had to give a driving test to a woman who was so fat, they had to shoot her driver's license photo with the Hubble telescope.
- Jefferson: [dolls worth $50 000] I can't give Belly-Button Barbie to Marcy. She's more valuable than she is!