Married... with Children (TV Series)

Oldies But Young 'Uns (1991)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : Thank you. Not even this, huh? What is it? Is Oprah right? Are you a big, fat woman? All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45. The record or the gun. I'll even settle for the damn malt liquor! Just this once, can you show that you can love even Al Bundy?

  [the jukebox suddenly plays Al's song] 

  Al Bundy : That's it! That's my song! Thank you, thank you. Uh, I'll be back for only one more request. It involves a thunderbolt and, uh...

  [secretly points to Peggy] 

• Peggy Bundy : Al, must we be the spit bucket in the early round knockout that is your life? As usual, you need professional help. So why don't you just call the oldies station, K-Fossil, and ask the DJ?

  Al Bundy : I already called. I got Rick Cool himself.

  Bud Bundy : Gee, Rick Cool, huh? Did Bobby 23 Skiddoo quit?

• Peggy Bundy : [about Rick Cool]  Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.

  Al Bundy : He said "The colors. The colors. Has anybody seen my good friend John?" Then he lit up a banana and then he hung up.

• Al Bundy : Oh, I hate my life. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the wife in the backyard.

• Al Bundy : I must have that song. Maybe it's on the B-side of a record I already have. Peg, where's my record collection that I spent my entire youth building?

  Peggy Bundy : Well, they were cluttering up your closet, so I moved them downstairs next to the furnace.

  Al Bundy : Good thinking, 'cause nothing brings out the luster of original records better than intense searing heat.

• Al Bundy : [about Vinnie]  Bud, you oughta start hanging around with this guy. The girls can't keep their hands off him. Hee hee.

  [to Vinnie] 

  Al Bundy : What brings you here?

  Bud Bundy : He's taking Kelly out.

  Al Bundy : [grabs Vinnie's throat]  Touch her and I'll hang you with your own colon.

• Peggy Bundy : I know what would take your mind off that record for a minute. You could make love to me four times.

  Al Bundy : Peg, when I said I was after an oldie, I meant a goodie.

• Al Bundy : [about Peggy]  Lousy, redheaded, life-sucking mosquito.

• Marcy D'Arcy : You know, when he hums, the hair in his ears moves in and out like a child's party favor.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, yeah, and the... and the nose hairs, they sort of spread like a geisha girl fan.

  Al Bundy : [chuckles]  That's right. Keep dancing on the minefield.

• Al Bundy : Now, concentrate. Hmm-hmm-him.

  Marcy D'Arcy : "Itsy Bitsy Spider"?

  Al Bundy : No.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : "Go Tell Pharaoh."

  Al Bundy : No! Come on. This is a song from my youth.

  Peggy Bundy : "Look, It's a Wheel"?

  Al Bundy : [annoyed]  Peg, honey, before we're all knee-deep in your blood, um, why don't you go over by the radio and listen to see if they play my song?

  Peggy Bundy : You are just determined to win that Nobel Putz Prize this year, aren't you, honey?

• Al Bundy : [to the store clerk]  That's my song! That's my song! That's "Anna"! "Anna" on the jukebox! I want it! How much is it?

  Dave : Well, since you're a good customer and obviously a ranting, raving loon, you can have it for $60.

  Peggy Bundy : $60? For a record? Hey, look, you must look at my husband and mistake crazy for stupid. He is not paying you $60 for a record. And if he does, I will kiss your...

  [Al later comes home with his record and Peggy comes in, spitting and wiping her lips] 

  Al Bundy : Peg, this is the best $60 I ever spent. Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life.