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"Married with Children" No Chicken, No Check (TV Episode 1993) Poster

Quotes

Al: Now, pumpkin; before you drive your car, you need to be covered.

Kelly: Isn't that up to the guy, Dad?

Al: I'm talking about car insurance, you little...

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Bud: Why don't you buy us a new car, Dad?

Al: Why didn't I think of that? New cars for everybody. What about you Peg; would you like a new BMW?

Peggy: I don't know. I've always seen myself in a Jaguar.

Al: Oh, if we could only find one that hungry.

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Kelly: You registered our car as a farm vehicle?

Peggy: I'm not surprised. He registered the Dodge as a pull toy.

Al: And the next thing I register will be a handgun.

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Al: Ah, children! What the hell, wolfen. Let me tell you something about sharing: don't do it. Nothing good ever comes of sharing. Your mother and I shared a bed and nothing good came out of it.

Peggy: Maybe that's because nothing good ever went into it.

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Al: And you know what I'm going to do now?

Peggy: You're gonna give all the extra money to me?

Al: Yes, to buy groceries.

Peggy: What's groceries?

Al: The stuff you have to wade through to get to the TV Guide. And I'd better be able to eat everything in that bag, Peg. Just food. Just beef. Just do it.

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Al: I'm so hungry I could eat a vegtable.

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[Al is eating the roasted chicken from the new car]

Peggy: Al, correct me if I'm wrong, bud didn't the kids car insurance policy say, "no chicken, no check?"

Al: You hate to see me eat, don't ya, Peg? Well, it's too late. It's in and it's staying in.

Peggy: Yeah, I've heard that one before.

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Kelly: [to Neuter] So, that Island that you own... is it near the beach?

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Al: Jefferson, tell them what they can get for $800.

Jefferson: Well, for $800 you can get a nice car.

Kelly: Really, Mr. D'Arcy? You know where we can get a car for $800?

Marcy: At the auto auction where they sell cars they've confiscated from criminals and drug dealers. Of course, the cars have some minor problems like bullet holes in the trunk; but you don't seem to mind riding in the Dodge.

Al: There's no bullet holes in my car, but that could change if I could persuade you to get into the trunk.

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[Bud and Kelly are double dating at the drive-in]

Sonya: American movies are so rich and confusing. So much texture and subplot.

Bud: Well, the thing to remember is that Elmer is mad at Bugs because he tied his gun barrel into a bow.

Kelly: Exchange student, huh? What did we send her country; a head of lettuce and some sand?

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[Al and the kids have returned from the auto auction]

Peggy: Did you buy the kids a car, Al?

Kelly: [off screen] DON'T TOUCH MY CAR! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR HANDS HAVE BEEN!

Bud: [off screen] IN THAT CASE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SITTING IN IT!

Al: Yes, I did. And, as you can see, all of my worries about them fighting were unfounded.

[Looks out the window where Kelly has Bud in a headlock beating him on the head]

Al: On the upside, however, I did get them to knock off $100. Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes?

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[Al has an instant Polarid camera taking photos of Peggy just off-screen]

Al: That's right, Peg. God, they look so firm. Hold 'em up for me, baby.

[Al takes a photo]

Al: Now, let's see that pretty rump. Beautiful!

[Al takes another photo of Peggy... holding a rump of ham]

Peggy: Al, my fingers have blisters all over them from carrying all that food to the checkout counter.

Al: Peg, if you'd bothered to go food shopping there once in a while, you'd notice that's what all those carts in front of the store are for.

Peggy: I though that was parking for the homeless.

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Bud: Hey, Kel. Guess what; I've got a date tonight with a foreign exchange student who's so easy she makes you look like a calculus problem.

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Al: [Al is explaining the auto insurance policy to Kelly] One: you can't drive on paved roads. Two: cars have the right of way. And because you have to always be on official farm business...

[pulls out a live chicken]

Al: This must always be in your car, hence the South Forty motto "No Chicken, No Check".

Bud: [comes through the front door] Hey, Kel.

[looks at Al]

Bud: South Forty Insurance, Dad?

Al: It's a damn fine company, "The Farmer's Best Friend" next to a sheep and a tall wheat field.

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Kelly: Does your date mean more to you than my happiness?

Bud: A milkshake means more to me than your happiness.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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