- Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey guys, since our wives are downtown feeding Christmas dinners for the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?
- Al Bundy: Great idea. To the nudie bar.
- Bob Rooney: Where Christmas is nice...
- Al Bundy: And lap dances are half-price.
- Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
- Ike: Where you drink down the shooters...
- Officer Dan: And unwrap the hooters.
- Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Where eggnog's a plenty...
- Griff: And the girls are all 20.
- Al Bundy, Griff, Jefferson D'Arcy, Bob Rooney, Ike, Officer Dan: At the nudie bar!
- Griff: Hey, I don't mind messin' around with a married woman.
- Peggy Bundy: Al, I'll be back by New Year's.
- Al Bundy: Peg, he's a shoe salesman. It'd be like leaving me for me.
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, yeah. Thanks for talking me down, Al.
- Al Bundy: Peg, your mother is eating us out of house and home, now I don't expect her to pull her weight, that would be impossible. But she's gotta get a job.
- Peggy Bundy: She's a Wanker woman. She's not used to working.
- Al Bundy: I will only put up with one worthless Wanker woman in this house at a time, Peg. Either she gets a job or you do.
- Peggy Bundy: [after short pause] Mom, we gotta talk!
- Al Bundy: Anyway, once a year, the working members of the Bundy family, namely me, put aside a small percentage of his paycheck...
- Peggy Bundy: Namely nothing.
- Al Bundy: And at the end of the year, opens it up to buy Christmas presents.
- Kelly Bundy: Namely garbage.
- Griff: Al, meaningless, no-strings-attached sex is the last thing I want right now.
- Bob Rooney: That's the only thing I've ever wanted.
- Al Bundy: I got a plan. I want you two to get some candy canes and lure Grandma out of her room.
- Kelly Bundy: All of her, Dad?
- Bud Bundy: Even the... the dark, mossy side?
- [as Al and his friends get ready to leave, heavy footsteps shake the house, and Peg's mom approaches]
- Peg's Mom: I recognize those voices. Butcher Boy, Psycho Cop, Hot Pants, Ken Doll, Shoehorn.
- [Al's friends look at each other in confusion. Peg's mom then changes her voice]
- Butter: It's me... Butter.
- [Al's friends scream in horror and run out of the house while Al furiously shakes his fist at his mother-in-law]