Al Bundy: So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered-down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. 'Cause, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be are still out there being what we don't want to be forty hours a week for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner.
Miss DeGroot: You'd like to check these out, would you? Well, I'm afraid you can't! Do you know why?
Young Al: 'Cause I didn't bring you French fries like the other boys do?
Miss DeGroot: You're a bad seed, Bundy. You can't have these books because you are consistently overdue, you never have the money to pay... and looking at you now I doubt you ever will.
Young Al: I'll bring 'em back, I promise.
Miss DeGroot: You always promise, but you don't follow through. And that, in a nutshell, is your problem. Make a promise, keep a promise.
Young Al: Yeah, yeah, bake a pie, eat a pie.
Lenny: Boy! She hates you, Al.
Young Al: I swear one day I'm going to take that bowl of sugar and pour the whole thing down her gas tank. My life's got to get better than this.
Miss DeGroot: You could have made something of your life... I suppose. But you never followed through. That's always been your problem. Like I always told you: make a promise, keep a promise. And maybe if you did that just once you'd be a winner.
Al Bundy: Thank you, Miss DeGroot. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start keeping promises right now.
Miss DeGroot: You won't!
Al Bundy: Yes, I will.
[Al takes her sugar bowl and leaves]
Al Bundy: Well, it just so happens that I returned that book years ago.
Miss DeGroot: I'd remember if you did.
Al Bundy: You weren't here.
Miss DeGroot: I'm always here.
Al Bundy: Not that day. I believe that was the day of the big cake heist. You were rounded up for questioning.
Miss DeGroot: You know, Mr. Bundy, I've worked at this library for 44 years. I was eligible for retirement 3 years ago. Do you know why I stayed?
Al Bundy: You learned to eat books?
Miss DeGroot: D'you think anyone can teach you anything?
Young Al: Well, you've just taught me that even the slightest movement can make a fat person sweat.
Peggy Bundy: You know, the boys are upstairs working so hard, and this popcorn will make a nice surprise for them. So easy to make, too.
Marcy Rhoades: Uh, Peggy, you're supposed to move it around.
Peggy Bundy: Oh.
[shakes the popcorn]
Peggy Bundy: Well gee, now it's not easy any more.
Marcy Rhoades: Peggy, did you know this says use before May the eleventh, 1972.
Peggy Bundy: Marcy, if you read it carefully, it says *best* if used before May the eleventh, 1972.