- Peggy Bundy: Look, Al, you have said no to every movie that I've chosen.
- Al Bundy: Because every movie you choose sucks.
- Peggy Bundy: Fried Green Tomatoes sucks?
- Men in Store: YES!
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, how about this? Four Weddings and a Funeral.
- Al Bundy: That's kinda like five of the same thing, isn't it?
- [grabs another video]
- Al Bundy: Hey, how about Wrestlemania bloopers?
- Peggy Bundy: You could have taped our honeymoon for that.
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al, look what I found. Like Water for Chocolate. It's a love story.
- Al Bundy: What a coincidence, Peg, I found a love story too: Mrs. Assfire.
- Peggy Bundy: Water.
- Al Bundy: Fire.
- Peggy Bundy: Water!
- Al Bundy: Fire!
- Bud Bundy: Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline. This is your counselor, eh... Eugene.
- Kelly Bundy: [On phone] Hi, my name is Isis J. Blowupdoll, and my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been able to keep his hands off me ever since I came out of the box. Now, should I try to stay firm or just explode and go to pieces?
- Bud Bundy: Yeah, very funny, Kel, but don't let me keep you. I'm sure the trucker paid for the WHOLE hour.
- Marcy D'Arcy: I've just been monitoring porn for my women's group. We are sick of films that exploit and degrade women and we are not going to take it anymore.
- Clerk: Here are the tapes you asked us to hold for you, ma'am. Uh, Silence of the Loins and The Joy Slut Club. Shall I just charge those to your house account?
- Marcy D'Arcy: Fine.
- [to Al]
- Marcy D'Arcy: I'm taking these home to erase them. That'll show you men.
- [Marcy walks away with the clerk]
- Marcy D'Arcy: Do you have condoms?
- Peggy Bundy: [reads movie case] Dieselhead. "A man and a monster truck exchange brains"?
- Al Bundy: Like Emilio Estevez would make a bad movie.
- Peggy Bundy: [reminiscing about their first date at the drive in] You know, I still have the imprint of the Dodge logo on my back. I can't believe you still have that car.
- Al Bundy: Well, I can't believe I still have you.
- Al Bundy: [reading off names of dirty movies] Schindler's Lust, Booty and the Beast, and my favorite, Forrest Hump.
- Peggy Bundy: Hey, Al, guess what? They're having a sale at the video store. See? Right here.
- [Peggy shows Al the front page of the newspaper. The back of the paper has an ad for Virgin Hotline with a large picture of Bud on it]
- Al Bundy: So, what do I care? Then go to the video store.
- Peggy Bundy: Well, I want you to come with me.
- Al Bundy: Oh ho ho, no. That's why we have cable, Peg. You can see the best and never leave your house. Watch.
- [Al turns on the TV]
- TV Announcer: Tonight, Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball. Then John Goodman is King Ralph. But first, Wings.
- Al Bundy: [turns off the TV] I'll drive.
- Peggy Bundy: Mm-hmm.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Hey, you guys mind if I hang out? If I go home, Marcy will know I'm not at my Unemployed Anonymous meeting.
- Al Bundy: Eh, have a good time.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Thanks.
- [after Al and Peggy leaves, Jefferson turns on the TV]
- TV Announcer: Welcome to The Naked Jell-O-Wrestling Championship!
- Al Bundy: [comes back] Hey, that's a...
- [Peggy drags Al back out of the house]
- Bud Bundy: Well, with self-esteem intact, I'm gonna get ready for my orientation now. Kelly...
- Kelly Bundy: Mm-hmm?
- Bud Bundy: Would you be so kind as to insult me up the stairs, please?
- Kelly Bundy: Mmm. My pleasure. Now, when people call up, do you merely talk them out of sex or do you send them a picture of yourself and scare the pants back on them?
- Bud Bundy: [on the phone] Virgin Hotline.
- Kelly Bundy: [with a deep voice] Hi, this is Buck. I'm wearing nothing but my fur. I miss you, Bud. I miss our special times together.
- [pants]
- Bud Bundy: [reads the name off a slip of paper] Esther. With a name like that, I should have brought a chew toy.
- Peggy Bundy: Now all we have to do is find one movie that we can both watch.
- Al Bundy: Hey, here's one. "Die, Scum Sucking Pig, Die".
- Al Bundy: [finds neighbor in the video store's adult section] Marcy!
- Marcy D'Arcy: [removes her sunglasses] Al. It's not what you think.
- Al Bundy: Well, that's good, 'cause I think I'm gonna heave.
- Bud Bundy: So... a virgin, huh?
- Esther: I just can't tell you how tough it is today for a woman to maintain her chastity. Every single girl I know is just preoccupied with sex. They'll have it with anyone, anywhere, anytime.
- Bud Bundy: Really? Well, if you just give me their names, their photos, and their phone numbers, I'll get to the bottom of them... I mean... I mean "of it", the bottom of it.
- Esther: [comes forward to sit up close] No, Bud, please don't leave before my mother gets home. If I take my eyes off you, I know I'll get all horny again.
- Bud Bundy: [drily] I'm glad to be of service.
- Esther: Can I get you something to drink?
- Bud Bundy: You got anything, uh...
- [looks down her blouse]
- Bud Bundy: fresh-squeezed?
- Esther: I'll see.
- [gets up to fix refreshments]
- Esther: I'm real sorry to drag you out on a Friday night like this, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate an organization like yours, Bud. I don't understand what's wrong with the world. Everywhere you look, temptation.
- [Esther bends over to get something from the cupboard, giving Bud a tempting view]
- Bud Bundy: Zima guy, Zima guy. No, no, I mean, I mean, I mean, Roseanne, Roseanne.