- Al: Man what I would give to play for the Chicago Bears. I'd sell my soul to play for the Bears.
- [knock on the front door and Al opens it]
- Lucifer: Good afternoon. I'm here to fix your television.
- Al: Nothing wrong with my television.
- Lucifer: Oh...
- [Lucifer snaps his fingers and the TV set explodes]
- Al: Uh, you know my wife needs some fixing too.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [after Al drops dead on the football field] What's he doing?
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, my God. He's either dead or having sex.
- Lucifer: Now here comes my favorite part, your itenuary of eternal torments. For the next millenium, you'll be exclusively dining on the most hideous food ever known to man.
- [lifts the top to reveal weenie tots]
- Lucifer: Weenie Tots.
- Al: Oooh, I love those.
- Lucifer: Really? Well what you don't know that a steady diet of weenie tots would cause you to spend an eternity in the bathroom.
- Al: [shrugs] Why do you think I love them?
- Lucifer: [lowers lid and orders the cook leaves] All right, Mr. Bundy. Since you find Hell such a picnic. How about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again!
- Al: [kneels and breaks down] This is HEAVEN!
- Lucifer: Allow me to introduce my team. Erik the Red, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Brutus, and my favorite, Goliath.
- Al: These guys aren't football players.
- Lucifer: I know. They just hurt people.
- Al: That's not fair. I don't have a team.
- Lucifer: Oh, sure you do, Al.
- [Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Jefferson, and Marcy appear behind Al all wearing football uniforms]
- Al: Like I said, I don't have a team.
- Peggy Bundy: Al Bundy, this is all your fault. I shouldn't be down here in Hell with you. I should be up in Heaven having sex with a young Elvis.
- Al: Well, then it wouldn't be Heaven for him anymore, would it?
- Al: I'm Al "Shoehorn" Bundy, NFL rookie of the year and spokesman for Super Poligrip, now available in barbecue.
- Al: Look who's crossed the road? I'd say it was a chicken, but it doesn't have any breasts. Just nuggets.