Malcolm: In the wrong hands, these chemicals could make a really powerful stink bomb. My hands look wrong enough.
[talking about Malcolm's class picnic]
Malcolm: There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.
Jody: [Jody, Francis' new girlfriend whom he met mere hours ago] Oh my God, you're Francis' dad? He talks about you *all the time*!
Hal: Really? You too!
Hal: Think they got a beer guy around here?
Lois: This is a charity event at an elementary school.
Hal: Hmmm, so I guess I gotta go to a stand?
Lois: I brought Brownies.
Dorene: Well, isn't that thoughtful. Are those nuts?
Dorene: Well, we can't have that. Some of the children are severely allergic.
Lois: Oh, my gosh, I had no idea. Whose child is allergic?
Dorene: Well, no-one in this class specifically, but you can never be too careful
[dumps the brownies in the trash]
Dorene: Believe me, this wasn't meant to publicly humiliate you. I'm sure they were delicious.