- Lois: [Malcolm is in trouble after he chooses to publish an expletive-laced story in his school's literary magazine] What's her name?
- Malcolm: Who?
- Lois: The girl you're trying to impress. Hope she's cute.
- Malcolm: [exasperated] This isn't about a girl!
- Reese: A girl wrote the dirty story.
- Hal: Oh, son, you want to be careful. A girl who writes dirty stories sounds a little advanced for you.
- Malcolm: That's not what this is about! Ronnie's a lesbian.
- Lois: Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked in your shirt once in a while.
- Gretchen Mannkusser: Otto and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.
- Francis: You're kidding. That's great.
- Otto: [to Gretchen, passionately] Oh, I wish I could chop you up in a million pieces so that I could share you with the rest of the world.
- Gretchen Mannkusser: Oh, you are so romantic, my big Bavarian monkey-face!
- [they kiss, and she leaves]
- Otto: Francis, I am in so much trouble.
- Francis: What's wrong?
- Otto: I just found out what Gretchen is getting me for our anniversary. She knows how much I love cuckoo clocks, so she called the factory in Innsbruck and somehow convinced them to hand-craft a cuckoo clock with a little Otto and a little Gretchen that come out and kiss every hour!
- Francis: Wow. What'd you get her?
- Otto: Some Dust-Buster filters and a bracelet I saw on QVC.