Magnum, P.I. (TV Series)

Faith and Begorrah (1983)

John Hillerman: Jonathan Quayle Higgins, Father Paddy McGuinness

Quotes 

• [Magnum and Higgins say goodbye to Paddy at the airport] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : If you're ever in Northern Ireland...

  Higgins : I'll call first.

  [a pause. Paddy hugs Higgins] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : It's been grand seeing you.

  Higgins : You too... brother.

  Father Paddy McGuinness : God bless you, brother darling.

  [Paddy walks to the terminal. He notices a cigarette inside an ashtray, takes it and smokes. Seeing that, Higgins sighs and Magnum smiles. Paddy turns to speak with Higgins] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : You know, we ought to have a family reunion, get all of Dad's kids together. You, me, Elmo, Soo-Ling.

  [Paddy walks away. Magnum inquisitively glances at Higgins, who seems embarrassed at the mention of Soo-Ling] 

  Magnum : Soo-Ling?

  Higgins : I don't suppose you'd have the decency to drop it.

  [Magnum gives Higgins a "I want to hear the whole story" look] 

  Higgins : [annoyed]  That's what I thought.

  [Magnum smiles. Higgins sighs and begins telling the story while they are walking to the exit] 

  Higgins : In 1928, my father was military attaché to the embassy in Peking. He was asked to escort a contingent of Episcopal nuns to Hentiy, where they were to establish a mission. Along the way, they were ambushed by Mongolian bandits led by a beautiful, raven-haired woman. She had never seen an Englishman before, and natually found my father fascinating, so fascinating that she was willing to let the nuns go on in exchange for certain... favors, so to speak. She took my father to a cliff overlooking the sea and...

• [at the estate, Higgins prepares his family tree. Magnum enters, about to tell him about meeting his half-brother Father Paddy McGuinness] 

  Magnum : [chuckles]  You are not gonna believe this. I met this priest in a bar while I was tailing "Legs".

  Higgins : I already find it preposterous.

  Magnum : Guess what? Guess?

  Higgins : [dryly]  I'd really rather not.

  [Magnum notices the family tree] 

  Magnum : What is that?

  Higgins : I should think it's rather obvious.

  Magnum : What, are you tracing the lads'... pedigree?

  Higgins : [annoyed]  It's the genealogical history of the Higgins family.

  Magnum : Oh. No offence, lads.

  [the dogs wail] 

  Higgins : [impatienly]  Magnum, what do you want?

  Magnum : Like I said...

  Higgins : [interrupts]  You were tailing someone called "Legs" and you met this priest.

  Magnum : [grins]  Not just a priest, Higgins, an Irish priest. And guess what?

  Higgins : I said I'd really rather not.

  Magnum : He looked like you.

  Higgins : [dryly]  How delightful. An Irish priest is in the islands who...

  [Higgins stops in the mid-sentence, as if something occurred to him. He gapes and his eyes widen] 

  Higgins : ...looks like me.

  Magnum : [laughs]  Ha! I knew it would get to you. I mean, how many people in the world look like... like you? Of course, he wasn't exactly like you.

  Higgins : He wasn't?

  Magnum : He had curly hair and a beard.

  [Higgins sighs and sits down] 

  Magnum : [amused]  Higgins! Ha-ha-ha! Don't take it so hard. I mean, we all have people who look like us. I've even heard that somewhere in the world there's an exact double for each of us.

  Higgins : [quietly]  What is this priest's name?

  Magnum : Father Paddy... Paddy...

  Higgins : McGuinness.

  Magnum : That's it! How did you know?

  Higgins : He's my... half-brother.

  [the dogs wail. Magnum examines the family tree] 

  Magnum : Higgins, if Father Paddy is your half-brother, why isn't his name on here?

  Higgins : Because he's... illegitimate.

  Magnum : You mean like your brother Elmo?

  Higgins : [irritated]  No, not like Elmo! I mean, yes, like Elmo, but the circumstances were quite different, I assure you.

  Magnum : As I recall, it was during World War I. Your father was pulled from the trenches desperately ill with influenza. He was taken to a field hospital where Elmo's mother, a Red Cross nurse from Texas...

  Higgins : Magnum, some things are better left unsaid.

  Magnum : Of course.

• [Higgins tells Manum about his half-brother Paddy McGuinness] 

  Higgins : It was just after the Great War. Father was a major in the Prince of Wales' Own Light Horse, and was dispatched to Ireland to help quell the rebellion. Not the kind of officer to keep to table and hearth, even in a bitter Irish winter. Father was leading a patrol delivering milk to an orphanage. He was ambushed by the IRA. Desperately wounded, he managed to hold the rebels off until his men could safely escape, then he crawled into a bog and hid in a snowbank. Early the next morning, a young widow woman, foraging for fuel, found him and took him to her cottage. Those were hard times in Ireland and peat was scarce, especially to a woman with no husband. Father was near frozen to death. So she did the only thing she could to get him warm.

  Magnum : Of course.

  Higgins : Being delirious, naturally Father had no idea what she was doing. He told my mother later that the only thing that kept him going through that terrible ordeal was the thought of her.

  Magnum : [smiles]  Of your mother?

  Higgins : [irritated]  Yes!

  [Magnum shrugs] 

  Higgins : After he'd... thawed out sufficiently, he found his way back to his regiment, and nine months later...

  Magnum : [exclaims]  Father Paddy was born! Ha-ha-ha!

  Higgins : [irritated]  Well, he wasn't Father Paddy then!

  Magnum : [laughs]  No, of course not, Higgins. Look. I don't want to cast aspersions on your father, but considering how Elmo and... Father Paddy were, uh, sired, I mean, did it ever occur to you that your father may be...

  Higgins : No!

  Magnum : [shrugs]  I didn't think so.

  [Higgins paces across the room nervously] 

  Higgins : What's he doing here?

  Magnum : He didn't say, Higgins. I assumed he was on vacation. I dropped him off at the Low Surf hotel.

  Higgins : [dryly]  How fitting.

  Magnum : Oh, come on. Everyone can't afford a beach front on Waikiki. Of course, now he'll be staying here.

  Higgins : [shocked]  Here? Here? Magnum, have you gone mad? The opening of the Queen Mother's wing of the Hawaiian British Museum is this week. As president of the Anglo Society in the Sandwich Islands, I'm in charge of the festivities. There will be a formal ball, famous personages will be in attendance, some of them will be staying on the estate. I'm even making a personal phone call to the Queen Mother to thank her for her contributions. And with all this, you expect me to play host to a slovenly, alcoholic, illegitimate Irish priest?

  Magnum : Higgins, you're a bigot.

  Higgins : Of course I am a bigot! Isn't everybody?

  Magnum : He's your brother.

  Higgins : My illegitimate half-brother.

  Magnum : You can call him anything you want, Higgins. He is still your father's son.

  [Higgins sighs] 

  Magnum : [narrating]  I left Higgins to wrestle with his conscience, and wrestled with a problem of my own - how to tell my client that his wife was probably having an affair.

• [Higgins meets his half-brother Father Paddy McGuinness at a sleazy bar] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : Faith and begorrah. Johnny. It is you, me brother.

  Higgins : [approaches]  Half-brother.

  Father Paddy McGuinness : It's been fifteen years.

  [Paddy bends over and touches Higgins' right shoulder with his dirty hand. Disgusted, Higgins brushes off his suit] 

  Higgins : Seventeen, to be precise.

  Father Paddy McGuinness : Let me look at you. You're fat as a fiddle.

  Higgins : That's "fit as a fiddle".

  Father Paddy McGuinness : [laughs]  Barkeep, give me brother whatever he wants.

  Higgins : [to the bartender]  Glencadam on the rocks.

  [the bartender looks confused] 

  Higgins : [impatiently]  That's Scotch. You do have Scotch, don't you?

  Bartender, at the 'Beach Bar' : Yeah, sure we do.

  [the bartender shows Higgins a bottle] 

  Bartender, at the 'Beach Bar' : Uh Bonnie Hawaii, made right here in the islands, 3. 50 a bottle.

  [Higgins looks disgusted] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : [to the bartender]  Pour him a spot of mine.

  Father Paddy McGuinness : [to Higgins]  They didn't have any Irish, so I went out and bought me some. How did you know I was here?

  Higgins : A rather bizarre coincidence. You met one of the guests at Robin Masters' estate, Thomas Magnum.

  Father Paddy McGuinness : [nods]  The lad at the airport.

  Higgins : Yes. Well, he said he dropped you of...

  [Higgins looks disgusted] 

  Higgins : ...here. Patrick, what are you doing in Hawaii?

  [the bartender gives Higgins a glass of drink with a wooden doll on a stick. Higgins looks disgusted. He glares at the bartender] 

  Bartender, at the 'Beach Bar' : Hotel policy, I've got to put 'em in all the drinks.

  Father Paddy McGuinness : To Father.

  [a long pause] 

  Higgins : To Father.

  [they drink. Higgins obviously does not like his drink. He places the glass on the table] 

  Higgins : Now, what are you doing here?

  Father Paddy McGuinness : Well, Johnny, it's a long tale and I don't want to bore you.

  Higgins : You always did have a tendency to run on a bit.

  Father Paddy McGuinness : [chuckles]  Me, run on? You could put a leprechaun to sleep on St. Patrick's Day.

  Higgins : Leprechauns and St. Patrick's Day, what sort of a metaphor is that?

  Father Paddy McGuinness : An Irish one.

  Higgins : That's always been your problem, Patrick. You can't shake those Gaelic roots.

• [Higgins picks up his glass] 

  Higgins : To the Queen.

  [Paddy snickers] 

  Higgins : What's so humorous?

  Father Paddy McGuinness : Toasting the Queen with good Irish whiskey.

  [irritated, Higgins places the glass on the table] 

  Higgins : I had hoped the years might have changed you.

  [Paddy drinks from his glass] 

  Higgins : I came here intending to remove you from these squalid surroundings to offer you the hospitality of Mr. Masters' estate. I should have known better.

  Father Paddy McGuinness : That you should have, Brit.

  [a pause. Higgins looks at his watch] 

  Higgins : Well, I really must be going. With the new wing of the museum opening on Sunday and my old brigadier arriving tomorrow, I have a million things to do. Perhaps in another seventeen years, Patrick. Goodbye.

  [Higgins stands and starts walking away] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : May the saints preserve me, what am I doing?

  [Higgins stops in his tracks and turns back to Paddy] 

  Father Paddy McGuinness : Here me own flesh and blood seeks me out with nothing but brotherly love in his heart, to offer me the hospitality of his home and hearth, and I treat him like a Dublin dustman. I would not blame you if you withdrew your gracious offer and never spoke to me again, brother darling.

  [Higgins looks embarrassed] 

  Higgins : Well, I...

  Father Paddy McGuinness : I'll pack me things and be with you in three shakes of a leprechaun's leg.

  [Paddy walks away. The bartender gives Higgins a strange look] 

  Higgins : He's only my half-brother.

• Higgins : [holding jeweled crown]  It's magnificent.

  Brigadier Faulkes, Royal Army : You know, I'm relieved it's finally in your hands. I must confess I... I felt a bit uncomfortable carting it about like a delivery boy.

  Higgins : To think I hold the very crown that Henry VIII placed on Anne Boleyn's head.

  Brigadier Faulkes, Royal Army : Hmm. While she still had it, I hope.