- Maj. Frank Burns: There's an unexploded shell out there.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We know, Frank, we know.
- Maj. Frank Burns: We've got to evacuate immediately!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I did.
- Colonel Hersh: [about an unexploded bomb at the 4077] Do you have any stethoscopes around?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We're a medical unit!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [reading a set of instructions] And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.
- [Trapper cuts the wires]
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But first, remove the fuse.
- [pause. Everyone exchanges panicked looks. Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope]
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Psst. Psst.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You spring a leak?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: It stopped ticking.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's get the hell outta here. We've only got two minutes... maybe.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [about bombing] Pierce, are you scared?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't be silly, I'm too frightened to be scared.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Waiting impatiently for a phone call] Ring!
- [Phone rings. Henry looks stunned]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are those the right instructions, Henry?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I hope so.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I hope so, too. Otherwise I'm coming back in the next life as a squirrel and run right up your pants leg.
- Soldier: [wakes seeing Klinger standing over his bed] Doc?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Yeah?
- Soldier: How come the nurse needs a shave?
- Radio Announcer: And kickoff is away!
- [Bomb explodes outside]
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Wow, that was close!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That guy can really kick a ball!
- Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: [Hawkeye, Trapper, and Ugly John are playing poker] I'll open for two blues.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Wait a minute. The blues are worth $5,000 or $10,000?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: For the last time, the whites are worth $5,000, the blues are worth $10,000, the reds are worth $25,000. A whole stack is worth a million, and at the end of the game, we'll settle for half.
- [Hawkeye and Trapper bid]
- Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: I'll call.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: By the way, what happens if the bomb doesn't go off?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Then the whites are worth 25 cents, the blues are worth 50 cents, and the reds are worth a dollar.
- Colonel Hersh: It's not a Russian bomb, Chinese, Polish, Czech, doesn't even belong to the United States Army.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Then what do we do?
- Colonel Hersh: Try calling the Navy.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, why would the Navy drop a bomb on us?
- Colonel Hersh: Because we're beating 'em 14 to nothing.