- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Frank wants to auction off the camp's garbage to locals] Burns, some men are born to greatness... others have garbage thrust upon them. You've got it.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I won't let you down, sir.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: There's no way you can.
- Maj. Frank Burns: First, let me welcome each and every one of you... wish you joy and, uh, chang-yo.
- Man at Auction: "Chang-yo?"
- Maj. Frank Burns: Yeah.
- Man at Auction: You wish each of us a prostitute?
- Maj. Frank Burns: I must have looked up the wrong word.
- Man at Auction: We don't mind!
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I meant "prosperity."
- Man at Auction: Works out the same!
- [laughs]
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [the garbage that was auctioned off by Frank, purchased by Hawkeye, gets dumped on Col. Coner in his jeep] Beautiful, beautiful! A Tintoretto in barf!
- [Kisses his fingertips]
- Maj. Frank Burns: I had dreams like this all through puberty!
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I didn't see any of it, but I loved it.
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: [after a patient died] Gee, I hope I don't cry.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: It's no sin, Radar.
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: When was the last time you felt like crying, sir?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: What time is it?
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Why do women ride sidesaddle?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Would you marry a woman who didn't?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Hawkeye and Col. Potter are playing horseshoes] Don't try so hard. Let it go a little later.
- [Hawkeye throws]
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Good. Bang on target.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Thank you. First time I scored in days.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Been a rough one?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well, about normal. We're tossing horseshoes, and four miles away they're tossing grenades.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Uh-huh.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Frank's selling prewar garbage at postwar prices to people who can't even afford the ground they're eating off.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Uh-huh.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: And I'm impotent.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Uh-huh. I think I see your problem. Aim two feet beyond the stake.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't be abusive!
- Maj. Frank Burns: I'm sorry, Colonel, it's just my nature.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Enlisted men have feelings, you know.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I keep forgetting that, sir.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Our garbage is the mainstay of the local economy, sir. I don't think you realize how much valuable material is being looted from our trash heaps.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I guess I just don't have your head for garbage, Burns.
- Maj. Frank Burns: The late Colonel Blake said I was the best rubbish officer we'd ever had.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: The man knew talent when he saw it.
- Nurse Able: Hawkeye.
- [laughs]
- Nurse Able: Hawkeye.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: What are you laughing? It's not funny.
- Nurse Able: Don't worry about it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I'm not worried.
- Nurse Able: [Hawkeye sighs] It can happen to anyone.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: So let it. Let it happen to anyone. Just don't let it happen to me.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: And so I, uh, fixed it up and Captain Hunnicutt says to me... He says to me, "Radar, you may have saved his life."
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You wanna save another life?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Huh?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Don't eat that food.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: What's the matter with it?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You ever pull kitchen duty?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No, I've been lucky.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Oh, it's beautiful. You don't know the conditions. They paint over the cockroaches. If you ever saw what they put in the hash, you'd go screaming into the night. And later you just might.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, I don't care. I saved a guy's life.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Is he still in the army?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Of course.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Some saving.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You know, what just didn't happen here has never not ever happened before.
- Nurse Able: Well, maybe you just don't find me attractive.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, that's true. Except for your face, your mind and your body, you're a complete dud.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Did you order the new specimen bottles?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, yes, I did, sir.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Let's watch this batch. Don't let any damn fool try to play songs on 'em again. How 'bout the V.D. Films?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, I ordered two new ones, sir. Uh, "Clean as a Whistle" and "Buy You a Drink, Sailor?"
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Fine.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Do you have a license to troll for surgeons? Or is that roll with sturgeons?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: You've gotta learn to unwind, son. When's the last time you really let go of the reins?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: The back of a fruit truck on a pile of rotting peaches. I had a copy of Fanny Hill. The truck went over a bump and I was in heaven.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: You need a hobby. I toss horseshoes. The wife needlepoints migratory fowl. Grandpa Roy whistles moose calls.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I knew a woman collected clippings of mine shaft accidents.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: There you go. If it's any comfort to you, I had the same problem in World War I.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: And you got over it?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Mm-hmm. But not until World War II.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Knocking] Shh! My wife.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Hawk? Hawk?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: She always hawks like that. Yes, dear?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Captain B.J. Wants you in post-op.
- Nurse Able: Radar, can't it wait?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: What happened to your voice?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I got a new pair of shorts from home.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [about Nurse Able] She was in here before... um, with me, alone.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [laughs] That's one of the worst kept secrets of the war.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: She was in here before and, uh... I, uh... uh... couldn't.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: ...Couldn't what?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [long pause] The big "couldn't."
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Oh, that "couldn't."
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe it was her perfume. Maybe it was mine. She looks a little like my mother. Maybe Oedipus wrecked it for me.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Look, it's perfectly understandable. You've been going full tilt since you got here. Your nerves are brittle enough to use for kindling.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Tension.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: The war.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Happens to everyone.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Right.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Ever happen to you?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Never.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: ...Fink.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: What do you think of Nurse Able?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: If I wasn't married, I'd start nibbling at Nurse Able's toes and stop when I got to her hairpins.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: There is something there to arouse a male.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Unless he's been dead six months.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Listen, Beej, whatever the highest bid is, bid five over it for me, okay?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You're gonna buy this garbage? Really?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Really.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: What are you going to use it for?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well, if I tell you now, then you won't be surprised at Christmas.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Radar?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You may have just saved his life.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Really? Gee, I didn't mean to. Well, wh-who would've thought I could? Gee.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Klinger is peeling potatoes] The army's ruinin' my hands, you know.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Mm-hmm.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: My hands are my best feature. When I was born, my father took one look and said to my mother, "Thanks a lot for the eight-pound baby nose."
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Heh-heh.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: But my mother said, "His hands, Amos. Look at his hands. He's a musician!" What do you think my old man did?
- [Radar shrugs his shoulders]
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Went right out, stole a violin, and stuck it in my crib. I was one week old. What did I know from violins? I started suckin' on the bridge.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Private Phelan died last night, Colonel.
- Colonel Coner: Who? Phelan?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Gerald Phelan. He was one of yours.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Wounded last time he went out looking for coffin refills.
- Colonel Coner: I remember that mission. We retrieved every Joe that bought it on Hill 911.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: And how many men did you lose?
- Colonel Coner: Our losses were insignificant.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: How many kids in an "insignificant"?
- Colonel Coner: Two.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Phelan makes three.
- Colonel Coner: We knocked out 15 or 20 Reds, old buddy. That makes my kill ratio eight and a half to one. Maybe nine and a half.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Do I hear ten? Sold, to the grim reaper in the third row.