Hawkeye: [Hawkeye tries to get bidding signals from his bridge partner] I'm reminded of a story. You've probably heard it. The, uh, King and Queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs, when their son, Jack, remarked how strange it was they had only two hearts between them. Just then, Deucey and her little dog, Tres, started singing "Four Diamonds are a girl's best friend." Whereupon the entire family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. Did you get it?"
Charles: Everybody did.
Hawkeye: Well, I didn't. What do I bid?
Everyone: Two clubs!
Hawkeye: Please! No prompting. I bid two clubs.
Basgall: My buddy better not die on account of you.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Margaret, keep that thing over him.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm trying, but he's got an awfully big mouth.
Basgall: You guys are so high and mighty. You sit back here, you're playing God. You don't care!
Hawkeye: Somebody shut him up!
Basgall: That's right, shut me up. Go ahead, shut me up so I won't tell anybody how you save your gook friends!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pierce!
Hawkeye: I don't have to take that kind of garbage, now SHUT YOUR MOUTH before I come over there and clamp it shut!
Colonel Flagg: You took a yellow red before a white American. That's pretty pinko.
Hawkeye: You're even boring in Technicolor.
Colonel Flagg: [to Colonel Potter] Let's talk about your camp. And don't play dumb, you're not as good at it as I am.
Colonel Flagg: [cornering Hawkeye] Your butt is in my sling.
Hawkeye: Take me I'm yours.
Colonel Flagg: I knew it, you're one of those too.
Colonel Flagg: [instructing his MPs] Arrest everyone who goes into that tent; except us.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [to Flagg who is in a garbage can with the lid perched on his head] I get it, you are under cover.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [to Flagg who is in a garbage can] I'm going to see Col. Potter about getting you better quarters.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Colonel, we would all appreciate it, if you just stuck to thumb screws.
["finding" a piece of paper under a petient's pillow]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Hello, what is this?
Colonel Flagg: [snatching the paper from Charles] It's for me. Whatever it is.
[opens the paper]
Colonel Flagg: A diagram of a camp.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Looks like this camp.
Colonel Flagg: [thoughtfully] Looks like this camp.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: There's a circle around my quarters.
Colonel Flagg: Pierce's quarters. This circle in the corner with two arrows.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: A clock.
Colonel Flagg: [as if the thought just occurred to him] A clock.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: 10 o'clock.
Colonel Flagg: [realizing] 10 o'clock. So a secret rendezvous...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Flagg] You're gonna lose your magic decoder ring for this one!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [about Flagg] ... I knew I had to find his weakness. And I did, right about his neck.
Father Mulcahy: Oh my Lord!
Colonel Flagg: Nice cover, but who are you really?
[bursting in on a game of Bridge]
Colonel Flagg: All right, cards up and drop those hands!
Colonel Flagg: Do you believe that I can break your leg with this finger?