Frank Burns: [talking to a patient in post-op] Kid came through here with an unidentifiable rash. I spotted it first. I called it Burns Blight. Catchiest name since diarrhea.
Wounded Soldier: This is very embarrassing.
Wounded Soldier: 'Cause when I go home, people are gonna be asking me where I got shot. What am I gonna tell 'em?
Hawkeye: Just say, uh, "I got shot in Korea."
Wounded Soldier: What if they ask me where I got hit?
Hawkeye: Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt." And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar.
Wounded Soldier: [Snort] Don't make me laugh.
Hawkeye: Whitney, we're talking about your body. It's been invaded by a bullet. There's nothing amusing about that.
Wounded Soldier: Don't I know it.
Hawkeye: On the other hand, you should be proud. You have a very special wound - it's symbolic of this entire war. This whole thing has been one gigantic pain in the butt. And when they hand you your purple heart, you can tell them exactly where to pin it.
Wounded Soldier: Thanks, Doc.
Col. Potter: [on the phone trying to get some whole blood. the 4077th is nearly out] We're squeezin' turnips! All my personnel have donated at least twice. Dracula couldn't find a quick snack around these parts!
Hawkeye: [the 4077th is dangerously low on blood] Speaking of monkeys not giving blood, you haven't donated a drop, Frank.
Frank Burns: Strategy. One of us should always have a full tank.
Hawkeye: Now why didn't I think of that?
Col. Potter: Because you're not an idiot.
Col. Potter: [trying to get a colonel to send blood] I appreciate you boys are low down there, but this is an emergency. I'm not asking, I'm begging.
Hawkeye: [grabs the phone] And I'm threatening! Colonel, if there aren't a hundred units delivered by tonight, the boys and I are gonna come down there and alter the pants on all your dress uniforms!
[hands the phone back to Potter]
Hawkeye: You gotta reason with these guys.
Col. Potter: Hello? Good job, Pierce. He hung up.
Hawkeye: Did he leave his inseam?