M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Old Soldiers (1980)

Jamie Farr: Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger

Quotes 

• [Potter comes into the office to find a Korean child at Klinger's typewriter] 

  Klinger : This is Private Rita, executive assistant clerk. Cute as a bug in a Persian rug, isn't she, sir?

  Potter : She's a Korean Myrna Loy, all right, but what is she and the Dalton Gang doing here?

  Klinger : I told you about them on the phone. They came in for shots, but things got a little complicated. Dr. Pierce says no problem.

  Potter : Fine. Did my package arrive?

  Klinger : No, sir. The mail hasn't come in yet.

  ["Rita" finishes typing] 

  Klinger : Sir, this girl is a prodigy. She just type "dribnif" and correctly, I might add.

• [Klinger is sitting with his feet on his desk, smoking a cigar] 

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Don't worry, you've got me here to keep things under control!

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Buffalo bagels! Did you get at those weekly reports, or are you sitting there with your feet up, smoking my cigars?

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Working, sir! Busy as a beaver! Got your reports...

  [grabs a stack of papers] 

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : ...half finished!

• [Klinger has delivered letters to all the senior staff as per Col. Potter's order] 

  Hawkeye : "You are invited to my tent tomorrow night at 1900 hours. Cordially, Sherman Potter. PS: That's an order." I don't understand.

  Margaret : [entering from another room]  You won't believe what was left on my door.

  BJ : The crowd thickens.

  Hawkeye : Let me guess, does it look like this?

  Margaret : You got one?

  BJ : We all did.

  Mulcahy : [entering from outside]  Hello, all. Say, I just received the most peculiar...

  [they all hold up their own letters] 

  Mulcahy : Oh... does anyone know what this means?

  BJ : I do. We're all invited to Col. Potter's tent for an after-dinner riddle.

  Hawkeye : Klinger, did he say anything to you what he gave these to you?

  Klinger : No. Just ordered me to deliver them and made a beeline for his office with that package he got today.

  Margaret : Package? What was in it?

  Klinger : I don't know, but he's been antsy about getting it ever since the trip to Tokyo. Came from some lawyers.

  Hawkeye : Lawyers? Why would he be hearing from lawyers? Divorce?

  Margaret : That's stupid. Who would divorce that sweet, wonderful man?

  Hawkeye : Maybe it's a lawsuit.

  BJ : Tax problem.

  Charles : Or a will. I don't wish to sound ghoulish and, mind you, I pray I'm assessing the evidence incorrectly, but what if the sick friend with the bad lab report is a ruse and it's Col. Potter who's sick.

  Margaret : No, don't even think that.

  Hawkeye : Let's not jump to conclusions.

  Charles : Agreed, but that would explain the phone call, the trip to Tokyo, his mood and the package from the lawyers.

  BJ : Yes, it would.

  Hawkeye : Look, if he's ill, we'll find out soon enough. I'm sure he'll tell us in his own way.

  Mulcahy : [looks at his letter again]  Maybe he is.