Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Sgt. Rhoden is trying to trade for the bath tub] No deal, Rhoden.
Sergeant Rhoden: Hard sell, huh? Alright, here's something no one can resist...stag films. Guaranteed to make a grown man blush.
[looks at Radar]
Sergeant Rhoden: 'Probably kill you.
Sergeant Rhoden: Boy I tell ya, I sure am losing my touch. Last war, I talked you down to a can of spam.
Hawkeye: And a can of spam.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [In an immense heat, Klinger is wearing a rubber body suit] It's the latest reducing suits. I'm getting out of here if I have to go pint by pint.
Col. Sherman Potter: Aren't you getting a little carried away, son?
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Oh I hope so, sir. But you alone have the power to save me. Let's face it, would a sane man abuse himself like this?
Radar: Just looking at it makes my eyes woozy.
Col. Sherman Potter: Klinger, this one is definitely in the running.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Oh, be still my sweaty heart, I think I see daylight.
Col. Sherman Potter: By golly, maybe you do. I'll tell you what, if you can stand being in a get-up like that for another 24 hours, you are the craziest man I've ever met.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: You mean to say that---
Col. Sherman Potter: I mean to say that whatever is left of you can have that magic Section 8.
Hawkeye: Can you keep a military secret?
Hawkeye: At the risk of severe personal injury, I'm about to break a sacred vow. Last night, B.J. and I got a very important package from home.
Radar: You mean the bath tub from Abalone & Finch?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Can we move along, sir? We've already had three servers faint from the steam.
Hawkeye: I'll just have the salad. Brown lettuce?? What am I supposed to do with it, eat it or smoke it?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You think that's brown? Look at that mayonnaise.
Hawkeye: [dumps his food] Right back at you.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You want green, have the liver.