- [Klinger reads Henry a letter from his mom that says his dad's dying]
- Henry Blake: The father dying, right?
- Klinger: Yes, sir.
- Henry Blake: [takes out a stack of papers and reads them] Father dying last year. Mother dying last year. Mother AND father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.
- Hawkeye: [on why he made up a fake airline company] To help you look foolish!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: I don't need your help!
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I know one guy who shipped himself home in a harp case. That took a lotta pluck!
- Klinger: Sir, I have to confess: I'm a Communist. An atheistic, Marxist, card-carrying...
- Henry Blake: Bolshevik.
- Klinger: No, honest.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Trapper, drunk and still upset about the letter he received from home, is packing] I gotta see my daughters... Do you know how long it's been since I made love to my wife?
- Hawkeye: At least one daughter ago... Trap, leaving a war in the middle is very upsetting to those who invited us.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Hey, listen: I don't like a movie, I get up and leave. I don't like the war; I'm going.
- Hawkeye: Aw, c'mon, Trap, you gotta stick around and see how it ends!
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Oh, but it doesn't end. It's continuous. When it finishes here, they take it on the road.
- [after Klinger tries once again to get out of the Army]
- Henry Blake: Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Klinger: Yes, sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.
- Hawkeye: If you will notice, I take pen and ink in hand, and soon, gentle reader, Frank will discover a letter which may well change the course of his mean little life.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: How can you be sure he'll find it?
- Hawkeye: Quite simple: I'll hide it.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: [Trapper, drunk, is sitting at the piano at the O Club] Is something bothering you, Trapper?
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I'm not Catholic, Father.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, all in good time... Which is more that I can say about your piano playing.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Trapper is trying to leave the Swamp with his duffel bag; drunkenly intending to go AWOL. Hawkeye stands inside the door] See you in the funny papers!
- Hawkeye: Trap...
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Hey, Hawk. Outta the way.
- Hawkeye: I don't want to use violence.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Then I will.
- [he hits Hawkeye with the bag, knocking him down]
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: You're so dedicated, so noble. Wouldn't dirty your hands with money.
- Hawkeye: Are you cereal, Frank? I come from a long line of money-grubbers. My great-grandfather Tombstone Pierce made his fortune selling whiskey and hors d'oeuvres to the Indians.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Whiskey AND hors d'oeuvres, Gracie?
- Hawkeye: He always said ''What's a drink without a nosh?''
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [giddy] My investments are beginning to pay off. Before long, my ship will be coming in to Easy Street.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Mrs. Frank Burns.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [panicked] Where?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I was just trying it out for size.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Beg your pardon?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well you always said, Frank, if ever you were rich enough, you'd think about getting a divorce.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Now, hold it. Just a minute, fella. Nobody said I was rich. I said I was doing well.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: What's the difference between rich and well, Frank?
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well... well is okay, but to be rich, you've got to be a lot weller than only well. I mean no matter how swell well is.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank? Frank, you're double-talking. I can always tell. Your upper lip disappears.
- Henry Blake: Regimental headquarters, For Your Eyes Only, Top Secret. Is it?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I didn't think so.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I sent away for these sheer hose and these spiked heels just to make myself more attractive to you.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: You didn't have to do that. I'd find you attractive if you were naked.
- Klinger: Sir, I have to confess. I'm a communist. An atheistic Marxist card-carrying uh...
- Henry Blake: Bolshevik.
- Klinger: No, honest!
- Henry Blake: You are not.
- Klinger: I am too, you imperialist dog.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [walks in to Radar's office, looking around to make sure no one else can hear] Corporal?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [diligently working on a disassembled radio] Sir?
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: I want to make a stateside call. it's a New York number. Canal 7-9000.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, yes sir, I'll get on it first thing tomorrow morning.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well I don't want it first thing in the morning, I want it first thing now!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, well, I can't get- uh reach them now sir. I'll be calling them yesterday
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: That's ridiculous!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, no sir. They're sixteen hours behind us. Our today is their yesterday.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: It's five o'clock in the afternoon!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, that's here, sir. Back there, it's one o'clock yesterday morning. Everyone's gone to bed and said, uh, "see you tomorrow!" Which, by the time their tomorrow comes, it'll be our yesterday.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Isn't it sixteen hours later there?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No sir.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well what if it isn't? When will it be now there if it was our today here?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You see, we don't have the same now, sir. By the time their now becomes our now, this'll be then.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Okay. I think I got a bead on it. In order for me to talk to them at nine o'clock in the morning their time, what time does it have to be our when?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, one o'clock our tomorrow morning will get you nine o'clock their today there, sir.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Then THAT'S what we'll do!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes sir, as soon as I get a circuit. There's a two day wait.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: I can't wait two days! That'll be...
- [counts under his breath]
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: three days ago!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Right!