Hawkeye: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
Frank Burns: We know who the guilty party is.
Frank Burns: Why do you let him ...
Hawkeye: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."
Frank Burns: Who does he think he is?
Trapper: The Thin Man?
Hawkeye: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
Margaret: You are sick!
Hawkeye: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: The man's a fruitcake!
Hawkeye: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
Lt. Barbara Bannerman: You told me I was the only one - !
Hawkeye: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Trapper: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?
Radar: Me? I'm not short!
Hawkeye: [chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?
Henry Blake: [waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.
Hawkeye: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe]
Hawkeye: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
Trapper: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
Hawkeye: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: [slapping down a poker discard] One.
Hawkeye: [to Trapper] Can you believe this guy? He asks for one.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: Will you just deal?
Hawkeye: Ho-Jon, the elixir of life! Drinks for me and my men, and water for our horses!
[he enters the Swamp, sighing]
Hawkeye: Ohh, where is it? There it is.
[he sinks into his bunk]
Hawkeye: Ahh. Ahhh, ahhh.
[Ho-Jon begins pouring gin]
Hawkeye: Ah, the symphony begins. The sultry saxophone splashes of melody. A subtle drum brush for counterpoint.
[Ho-Jon gives the drink a spritz]
Hawkeye: The plunking of cool harp strings.
[Ho-Jon drops ice into the drink]
Hawkeye: And now... the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
Hawkeye: And now the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
Ho-Jon: Stizzle-swick not here!
Hawkeye: [sitting up, indignant] Who stole my stizzle-swick?
Frank Burns: That's fascinating.
Margaret: Oh, it is, it is.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, yes, yes, very definitely. You see, it was after he returned to the garden that he discovered that three of his apostles were missing.
[all look at Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Well, don't look at me, I didn't take 'em.