- Henry Blake: [stammering] Uh, now, uh, the, uh,
- [clears throat]
- Henry Blake: excuse me, uh, the, uh, union of, uh, figure A, man, and, uh, figure B, uh, the, uh, woman...
- [chuckles from lecture audience]
- Henry Blake: ...is the most s-sublime expression of, uh, romantic love. However, only in the institution of marriage is it recommended that this expression take place.
- Trapper: Uh, sir?
- Henry Blake: Mm-hmm?
- Trapper: Um, what happens in the event that, um, figure A is attracted to figure B and wants to get married, but figure A is already married to, say, figure C, and figure B is engaged to figure D, but figure A can't keep his hands off of figure B because she's got such a great figure?
- Henry Blake: Uh-huh. Uh, well, according to the army, he's got to forget her.
- Hawkeye: That figures.
- [Father Mulcahy arranges an unconscious Major Burns on a bunk in post-op, covering for Klinger who just punched him out. An M.P., whistle blowing, bursts in]
- M.P.: What's going on, Father?
- Father Mulcahy: Shh-shh-shh. He's exhausted.
- M.P.: OK. Where's the guy that exhausted him?
- Father Mulcahy: Let me take care of it. Please?
- M.P.: [relenting] I'm not even Catholic.
- Father Mulcahy: [smiling] Would you like to be?
- Sergeant: [as Hawkeye, dressed as Santa Claus, is lowered by helicopter to treat a wounded soldier] And you said there was no Santa!
- P.A. Announcer: The glee club meets in the mess tent at 0800 hours. The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh, Father Mulcahy's solo, "I'm Confessin' That I Love You."
- P.A. Announcer: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Margaret falls onto her cot and jostles her pillow] There's pudding in the pillow!
- Hawkeye: One lady in our outfit who has no problem at all with her spare time is our chief nurse, Hot Lips Houlihan. The major is a paradox. A woman of considerable passion, she's also a stickler for military correctness. I wouldn't mind making a grab for her myself, but I don't know how to do that and salute her at the same time.