Detective Ed Green: People get around stars, they get stupid.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Waiting in line to see Madonna is stupid, this is a felony.
D.A. Arthur Branch: So Mrs. McGillicuddy had two boys, one who sat out on the porch all day, the other who went out and hunted for food. Then one day, war between the states breaks out and the Sarge says 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to take one of your boys into battle, it's your choice'. So what does she do?
A.D.A. Serena Southerlyn: It's hardly the same thing.
D.A. Arthur Branch: She looks the old sarge dead in the eyes and says 'My husband's down by the creek, take him'.
Detective Ed Green: [checking Bender's financials] Damn, I wonder what a 200 dollar haircut looks like.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Kind of like a 400 dollar car-wash.
Larry Miller: I heard some kid accused Monty of inappropriate behavior.
Detective Ed Green: What, using the wrong fork?
Larry Miller: I don't think Monty would shell out seven figures for that.
Detective Ed Green: [discussing Monty's successful career] Is that a hint of envy, Larry?
Larry Miller: Mister Miller...
[looks at Ed, laughing]
Larry Miller: God, Ed, relax!
Larry Miller: You don't go into comedy for the money, I can't speak for Monty but then again I can't drive a stick shift.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Now that's funny.
Larry Miller: It wasn't supposed to be.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: [Ed found Sammy's testimonial against Monty Bender online] Do I want to hear this?
Detective Ed Green: [reading] Monty touched my penis with his mouth...
Lt. Anita Van Buren: The answer's no, bring him in.
D.A. Arthur Branch: These parents traded one boy for another.
A.D.A. Serena Southerlyn: But they're both still alive.
Jack McCoy: We're prosecutors, Serena, not social workers.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: [arriving at crime scene, referring to Bender] What happened: someone got tired of his routine and jumped?
Fred: [referring to Bender] You should have seen how he ate. Pizza, cheeseburger, leftover Chinese...
Detective Lennie Briscoe: Something wrong with that?
Fred: You're not funny.
A.D.A. Serena Southerlyn: How can we trust anything on something called "up-your-butt dot net"?
A.D.A. Serena Southerlyn: This is great. I'm the only one in this room who doesn't have a kid; why am I the only one who understands the impossible position these people were in?
Detective Lennie Briscoe: All three of 'em have the same story.
Lt. Anita Van Buren: That's what a large bank account gets you.
[her phone rings]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Van Buren. You're sure? Thanks.
[she hangs up]
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Well, that makes us 0 for 4. Arson investigator says he can't conclude either way.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: So this bastard's gonna walk?
Detective Ed Green: [having entered the room] Uh, maybe not. I checked the web.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: For what, millionaire perverts?
Detective Ed Green: No, I Googled Sammy Morales. Don't ask. Now, his name was all over this one website, UpYourButt.net. Now, in a deposition from a civil suit against Monty Bender, he said...
Lt. Anita Van Buren: Do I want to hear this?
Detective Ed Green: ..."Monty touched my penis with his mouth."
Lt. Anita Van Buren: The answer's no. Pick him up.