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"The L Word" Pilot (TV Episode 2004) Poster

(TV Series)

(2004)

Quotes

Bette: [holding a specimen cup of sperm] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.

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Dr. Wilson: All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.

[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina]

Bette: [laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here?

Tina: I think it would help.

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Bette: You ever notice that whenever Shane walks in the room, someone runs out crying?

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Marina: Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone. What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome...

Tina: Artistic.

[Shane enters the cafe]

Dana: There's always Shane.

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[as Jenny walks by The Planet for the first time, Dana ogles her. Everyone stares at Dana]

Dana: What?

Alice: You are so gay.

Tina: [rolling eyes] So gay.

[Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand]

Dana: I know. I know.

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[Marina is buying groceries where Jenny works]

Marina: [to Jenny] Come on, I want to see you check me out.

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[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]

Dana: I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?

Tina: It has to do with her attitude.

Dana: I've got attitude!

Marina: It's because she's so withholding.

Tina: No. It's because she's so confident.

Dana: No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.

Alice: [firmly] Dana. She's your friend.

Tina: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.

Dana: What do you mean it's because of her nipples?

Tina: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.

Alice: Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!

Tina: Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.

Alice: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

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Shane: [repeatedly at the poker game] Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear.

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Instructor: Now everyone. Drop your heads. Close your eyes and set your intentions. Why are you here? To gossip with your friends? Or to change your body? What do you want to get out of the next forty minutes?

[the students start peddling harder]

Dana: [to Tina, re: Instructor] A good look at your spectacular tits would be nice.

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Alice: Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now she's cute. And I haven't seen her before, is it possible?

Shane: Fresh meat.

Alice: New blood.

Dana: Cris-pay!

[Alice shakes her head at Dana]

Alice: Uh-uh.

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[Bette enters The Planet and sees Dana]

Bette: Is that Dana Fairbanks? Hanging out at The Planet in West Hollywood?

Alice: Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a *gay lady*.

[Dana gives Alice a hostile look]

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Dana: When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.

Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.

Dana: [to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

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[re Marina and Jenny's uncanny immediate connection]

Alice: Huh. Whatever. I'm just... gonna leave you two alone to get married!

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Shane: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice: Oh, my god, it's Yoda.

Dana: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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