Dana: [after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.
Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.
Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.
Dana: How can you tell?
Alice: You read the signals.
Dana: That's my problem.
Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Allright.
Shane: [In response to Dana rolling her eyes] No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.
Alice: [after the realization of what Dana is saying hits her] You don't have gaydar.
Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!
Shane: [having figured out that they are in Tina and Bette's bedroom right after Tina's been inseminated] Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception.
Bette: [smiling] You could. Yes.
Shane: Well then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave?
Bette: [smiling] That would be too late.
Lady on Intercom: Reviva. Who is it?
Alice: Uhh... yeah, uh... Alice Peters, I have an appointment.
Lady on Intercom: I don't understand. What do you want?
Alice: [enunciating] I have an appointment.
Lady on Intercom: For what? What do you want?
Alice: All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!
[Alice looks around quickly to see if anyone heard]
Lady on Intercom: Well, why didn't you just say so?
Shane: [talking about how Alice wants to start with looking her up first to find Lara on the chart] Why must you do that?
Alice: Chances are, if she's into girls, you know.
Shane: Look, Dane? It totally wouldn't have meant anything.
Dana: Oh, that's comforting, thanks.
Bette: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.
Dana: Well, she sends me food.
Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.
Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?
Dana: No, she just sends them.
Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.
Shane: [seriously] Ask her out.
Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
Alice: [rolling her eyes] Please don't encourage her.
Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.
Alice: [gasping] You mean?
Bette: I mean.
Dana: [laughing but obviously clueless] What?
Bette: [smiling] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.
Shane: [to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe] Hi, were you sleeping?
Bette: Not exactly.
Alice: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.
Bette: So the logical conclusion was just to come over?
Alice: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff.
Shane: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice.
Dana: [Looking very sheepish and pitiful] I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.
Bette: [smiling] It's okay Dana. We were finished.
Dana: [realizing what Bette means] Oh my God...
Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
Alice: [points to a woman at the counter] What is she?
Dana: [hesitates] A customer? I don't know!
Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails. Are they long or short?
Dana: [turns to look] They're long and polished. So she's...
Shane: Leaning to straight. But we still need more info.
Alice: Look at the shoes.
Dana: She wearing high-heeled sandals.
Alice: Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?
Dana: [confused] Yes?
Alice: [firmly] No.
[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay]
Alice: All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.
Bette: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she moves that chopping knife.
Shane: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.
Alice: [to Bette and Tina] Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.
Tina: Yeah, but you guys, she's got nine points in the lez column and she only has seven in the straight.
Alice: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus five percentage points.
Bette: You know what we have to do.
[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]
Bette: It has to end.
Tina: But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way.
Alice: You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like shit, but it's... she's just, you know...
Tina: Treating you like shit, Al.
Alice: Maybe, it's just...
Bette: No. It's just you deserve better.
Alice: I do? All right, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist.
Tina: That's because she's an emotional cripple.
Bette: Yeah. Emotional cripple, slash, narcissistic personality disorder.
Tina: And the next time she calls you? You have to end it.
Alice: I know. It's just...
Bette: [firmly] It's just nothing.
Tina: What are you gonna do?
Alice: Well, I was gonna ask her...
Bette: No asking.
Tina: What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."
Bette: [continuing from Tina] "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."
Tina: [picking up from Bette] "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."
Bette: "So step off, bitch!"
Tina: Do it.