Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (TV Series)
Show 5 (1994)
Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge
Photos
Quotes
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David Harrison : I'd like to ask a question...
Alan Partridge : [noticing he's bald] Hang on, hang on, are you a slaphead?
David Harrison : I'm sorry?
Alan Partridge : Are you a... Bald Kojak... big foot hater?
David Harrison : Look, I just want to ask a question about sport.
Alan Partridge : I'm sorry, my mistake. Please, do go ahead.
David Harrison : Thank you. I'd like to ask the panel their views on the possibilites
[in a Brummie accent]
David Harrison : of the bald Olympics coming to Birmingham!
[Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III jumps up and the other Bald Brummies in the audience cheer and blow their party blowers]
Alan Partridge : Who are you? Who are you?
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : I am Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III!
Alan Partridge : [pulling his bald wig and joke nose and glasses] No, you're not, you're not at all, I'll tell you exactly who you are, your name is Martin Dwyer, you're entertainments officer for Warwick University Students' Union. And he's not your father, who's he?
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : [still in his comedy Brummie accent] David Harrison.
Alan Partridge : Don't do that voice anymore, it's not funny. Who's he?
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : [in his normal voice, now looking ashamed] David Harrison.
Alan Partridge : And what does he do?
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : He's a tutor in Political Science.
Alan Partridge : And what do you study?
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Law.
Alan Partridge : What do your parents think of this?
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Not that keen.
Alan Partridge : Everyone likes a bit of fun, but you're just wasting people's time. Get yourself a girlfriend.
[as Alan turns to talk to the other candidates, Martin Dwyer puts his bald wig back on and turns back into Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III]
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Bald Brummies are back!
[slaps Adrian Finch's balding head]
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : He's a slaphead! Look at his slaphead!
Adrian Finch : [losing his temper] You are a bloody shit! You're a bloody, buggering, shitting buggerhead!
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : I think he's just lost the safest Conservative seat in the country! Full steam ahead!
Adrian Finch : You bugger! Buggering shh...
[he chases him onto the stage and starts attacking him]
Alan Partridge : Don't, please, this is not political debate! If you're gonna fight, do it in the car park!
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Alan Partridge : [hosting a political debate] And the final candidate, who we have to have on, he's paid his deposit and that's democracy, is Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III of the Bald Brummies Against the Big-Footed Conspiracy Party, A-ha.
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : [exaggerated Birmingham accent] Bald Brummies!
[his fellow 'Bald Brummies' in the audience blow party blowers]
Alan Partridge : [trying to quiet them down] Come on! Please, there's a time and a place for fun and enjoyment and it's not on this show.
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Alan Partridge : Throughout the questions I will be remaining impartial at all times. I will remain Pontius Partridge.
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Alan Partridge : Charlotte Fraser, Labour, we see these pictures of old woman's faces in the paper, surely the best way to deal with hooligans is to hang them by the neck until the spinal column is severed thus starving the body of oxygen, isn't that the best, most sensible way to deal with them?
Charlotte Fraser : Absolutely not, no, hanging really is brutal and barbaric and the hallmark of an uncivilised society.
Alan Partridge : [interrupting] OK, right, what about lethal injection? Gas chamber? Electric chair? You know? We're spoiled for choice.
Charlotte Fraser : That's not really the point, Alan. I mean, all the indications...
Alan Partridge : Firing squad?
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : The head slap?
Alan Partridge : The head slap... No, don't, please, please, don't, um, please don't do that, Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.
Charlotte Fraser : There's no evidence to show that capital punishment would reduce the crime statistics.
Alan Partridge : Well, it'd reduce it by one, wouldn't it?
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Alan Partridge : The phone lines are open, we have a call: David Silk from Leeds. David, are you there?
David Silk : [voice] Yes, I am.
Alan Partridge : Are you wearing any silk?
David Silk : [voice] No, I'm naked.
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Alan Partridge : I'm trying to help you out here, mate. You're in danger of losing the safest Conservative seat in the country. Get a grip.
Adrian Finch : Full steam ahead.
Alan Partridge : No, you made that joke earlier and it wasn't funny then.
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : He's run out of steam.
Alan Partridge : You see, he's quick. Get on the ball!
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Adrian Finch : What we must do, absolutely, is put in place a system of, um, um...
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Head slapping?
Adrian Finch : No. Er, a system of, er...
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Head slapping?
Adrian Finch : No, please, I am trying to answer the question, do you mind? A system of, um...
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Head slapping?
Adrian Finch : You're putting me off. Please.
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : I know.
Adrian Finch : A system of...
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Head slapping?
Adrian Finch : A system of...
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Head slapping?
Adrian Finch : System of...
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Head slapping?
Adrian Finch : System of...
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Head slapping?
Adrian Finch : System of...
Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III : Head slapping?
Adrian Finch : System...
Alan Partridge : IGNORE HIM! IGNORE HIM!
