Keeping Up Appearances (TV Series)

Early Retirement (1992)

Josephine Tewson: Elizabeth

Quotes 

• Hyacinth : [about Mr. Henderson, the frozen food magnate]  They say he's a millionaire, and all from dead chickens. Of course, I'm not one to be impressed merely by money, but I just happen to know that he's looking for someone to work with him in a senior capacity, and of course my Richard would be ideally qualified.

  Elizabeth : For dead chickens? I can't see Richard being very happy with dead chickens.

  Hyacinth : Oh no, dear, I don't think he'd actually be handling them. No, Richard would wear a suit and do something executive.

  Elizabeth : *Can* one do anything executive with dead chickens?

  Hyacinth : Well, he's done it with the Council all these years.

• Elizabeth : I'm surprised you want my opinion, Hyacinth, about anything. I seem to go to pieces on these premises.

  Hyacinth : Do you, dear? That's nice.

  Elizabeth : You never listen anyway.

  Hyacinth : Have you? How interesting. Now look, I was wondering if I should press Mrs Henderson to take a little sherry with her light refreshments, or shall I stick to tea?

  Elizabeth : And you really value my opinion?

  Hyacinth : Certainly I do.

  Elizabeth : Well...

  [makes several false starts, then decides] 

  Elizabeth : I think tea.

  Hyacinth : No, you're wrong there, dear. I think sherry.

• [last lines] 

  Elizabeth : Oh, Mrs Hen- Don't worry, Mrs Henderson. I'm sure she'll be back quite... soon.

• Elizabeth : What are you doing?

  Emmet : I'm waiting for Hyacinth to go inside. Then I can safely go to work.

  Elizabeth : Oh, Emmet! All you have to do is say hello and don't stop.

  Emmet : Ha, you think so? She'll sing at me. She'll give me broad hints that I ought to use her in the Amateur Operatic Society. And my worst nightmare of all - she'll invite me to a candlelight supper!

  Elizabeth : Oh, Emmet, just pull yourself together.

  Emmet : [Peeks out the window]  She's gone! I'm off!

• Hyacinth : [Seeing Emmet running down the street]  Your brother's very fit, for his age!

  Elizabeth : Missed him, did you? Oh, he will be sorry.

• Hyacinth : Of course, I shan't let you have a beaker when you come back later for our more formal afternoon tea.

  Elizabeth : Later?

  Hyacinth : When you've tidied up, Dear.

  Elizabeth : Tidied up? I've almost finished my housework!

  Hyacinth : No, no, no. I don't mean the housework. I mean your hair.

  Elizabeth : [Checks her hair to see if it's messed up]  It's same as always!

  Hyacinth : I thought you'd agree, Dear.

• Elizabeth : What's wrong with my hair?

  Hyacinth : Oh, there's nothing wrong, Dear. No, it just needs a little something.

  Elizabeth : Like what?

  [leans forward and accidentally spills her coffee] 

  Hyacinth : Well, not THAT, Dear.

• Elizabeth : [Looking out the window. Shouts, surprised]  Richard's just walked back into the house!

  Emmet : It IS his house, Liz.

  Elizabeth : No, no, no, he was supposed to be leaving for work! I don't think he knows which way he's going. He's been acting strangely ever since they gave him early retirement.

  Emmet : I should think he has, poor devil. Imagine, all day at home with Hyacinth, every day! I'd call Amnesty International.

  Elizabeth : He just kissed Hyacinth twice, and walked back into the house.

  Emmet : ANYONE who kisses Hyacinth twice is entitled to walk back into the house!

• Elizabeth : [as Hyacinth is cleaning up the spilled coffee and biscuits]  Is there anything I can do?

  Hyacinth : No, of course not, dear... unless you'd like to wash the rug.

• Elizabeth : [When Hyacinth comes to the door she is wearing a nice dress]  Hyacinth, I'm glad you've called. Now, you wanted me to be smart. Well, does this meet with your approval?

  Hyacinth : Yes, it looks fine, Dear. Will you give me a hand? Some fool's left half a camel or something on my driveway. I will not have it on my driveway when Mrs. Henderson arrives!

  Elizabeth : You want me to help move it dressed like this?

  Hyacinth : I don't think it'll care how you're dressed, dear.

  [They walk out to the Driveway and she gestures to the Newfoundland placidly sitting there] 

  Hyacinth : You see? Half a camel!

  Elizabeth : And a major half!

  Hyacinth : If we could just get it into the street...

  Elizabeth : CAN we just park it in the street?

  Hyacinth : Well, I've no money for a meter.

  Elizabeth : How are we going to manage this?

  Hyacinth : Well, I think the best thing is if you push, and I'll steer. Now just let me get a good grip.

  [She grabs the leash and Elizabeth goes around to push from behind] 

  Hyacinth : Now pay attention, dog! Off we go, then!

  [She tugs and Elizabeth pushes, with no success] 

  Hyacinth : Try pushing, dear!

  Elizabeth : I'm trying, Hyacinth! It seems to be an awful lot of dog!