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"Just Shoot Me!" Pass the Salt (TV Episode 1998) Poster

(TV Series)

(1998)

Quotes

Maya Gallo: Thanks for letting me borrow your furniture, Mrs. Boukidis. My dad's coming over for dinner, and I...

Mrs. Boukidis: I know, you don't want your dad to think the neighborhood's gone down the crapper. Me, I'm an optimist. There must be eight hundred heads in New York, only four ended up in our dumpster.

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[Finch's father thinks he's gay, and he's trying to convince him that he's not]

Red Finch: I'm sorry I missed all those signs when you were growing up.

Dennis Finch: What signs?

Red Finch: That "special relationship" you had with that effeminate guy Kelly.

Dennis Finch: Kelly was a girl!

Red Finch: Wearing a baseball cap? I don't think so. And what about that time you fell off the roof? Ah, you screamed like a baby.

Dennis Finch: I was 5! I landed on a rake, I split my head open! They said I'm lucky to be alive!

Red Finch: Okay, okay, don't throw a hissy fit!

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[Finch's father thinks he's gay, and he's trying to convince him he's not. Elliot walks by]

Dennis Finch: Do me a favor, please explain to my dad that I'm not gay?

Elliot DiMauro: You are so cute when you try to act butch.

[grabs Dennis and kisses him]

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Dennis Finch: I come from a long line of firemen. My grandpa, two uncles, both my brothers.

Maya Gallo: So you're the only one in your family who's not a fireman.

Elliot DiMauro: There's a rule that your legs have to be thicker than the hose.

Dennis Finch: Actually, he's right.

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Nina Van Horn: I have a fire that needs putting out, if you know what I mean.

Dennis Finch: Nina...

Nina Van Horn: It's a five alarm fire, if you catch my drift.

Elliot DiMauro: Good God, Nina, the potted plants caught your drift.

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Dennis Finch: You don't know what control is. My dad once ordered me kill our Thanksgiving turkey.

Maya Gallo: You had to kill your own turkey?

Dennis Finch: Well, I tried to, but it made like an angry noise, and when I came to, it was gone, along with a sizable chunk of my hair.

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Dennis Finch: Dad, I'm not gay! Is this because I look like Ellen?

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Nina Van Horn: Jack, look at this old photo of us I found in some old boxes. Look at how ridiculous we look. That hair, that blouse, and for God's sake, that hemline... can you believe people used to dress like that back then?

Jack Gallo: Nina, this was last month.

Nina Van Horn: Such innocence. Do you think there will ever come a day when I look back at what I'm wearing today and laugh?

Jack Gallo: Yeah, Thursday.

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Persky: Hey, Dennis. There's some guy downstairs with an ax looking for you.

Dennis Finch: Is he a tall, greasy guy with "Mayhem" tattooed on his neck screaming about how I stole his girlfriend?

Persky: No. Big, older man.

Dennis Finch: Oh, hell! It's my dad.

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Red Finch: [carrying an ax] Guess what they're handing out at the convention center?

Dennis Finch: Let me guess, axes?

Red Finch: You always were the wise one. Here, it's yours.

[hands Dennis the ax]

Dennis Finch: Thanks. This will come in handy never.

Guy with Tattoo: [comes out of elevator] Where's Dennis Finch?

Dennis Finch: Over here.

Guy with Tattoo: [seeing the ax] Never mind.

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Nina Van Horn: So your father is having dinner at your place?

Maya Gallo: How did you know?

Nina Van Horn: He borrowed my pepper spray.

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Persky: [sees a bowl of fruit] Hey, fruit.

Red Finch: [grabs Pesky by the lapels] Hey, hey, hey! Listen, you homophobe! The term is gay. Gay, do you understand? Gay! Not fruit, or fairy, or salad shooter.

Persky: But I was...

Red Finch: We don't need your hate crimes around here! Who made you God, huh?

[tosses Pesky aside; sees bowl of fruit]

Red Finch: Hey, fruit.

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Maya Gallo: Dad, you're being a snob.

Jack Gallo: A snob? Maya, your great-grandfather used to wake up at the crack of dawn to deliver milk around this city in a horse-drawn wagon.

Maya Gallo: Your grandfather was a milkman?

Jack Gallo: No, he was clinically insane... exactly the kind of person I want to protect you from.

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Dennis Finch: Why would anyone think I'm gay?

Red Finch: [Waiter arrives] Finally. Boilermaker, boilermaker, boilermaker...

Dennis Finch: Sea breeze.

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Jack Gallo: How about a drink?

Red Finch: Scotch, Jack?

Jack Gallo: Johnny Walker, Red?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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