Narrator: In a borough just north of the island of Staten / Neath the towers that tower over the isle of Manhattan / Streets were aglitter like a sequined drag queen / And Christmas joy was aflush at Blush magazine / The workers wrapped presents with a nip and a tuck / Everyone was happy...
Maya Gallo: God, people suck!
Narrator: He expressed his displeasure with color and flair / Using words that our censors would not let us share.
Nina Van Horn: Everyone is so quick to blame the absentee father, but let me tell you something: it's casual wear that's ruining this society.
Elliot DiMauro: Christmas is so depressing. It's gotten too comercial, it's lost all its spiritual meaning.
Dennis Finch: No it hasn't. That is such a cliché.
Jack Gallo: Check this out! Lollipops in the shape of Jesus.
Jack Gallo: How about you, Nina? You like bouncing young men on your lap.
Nina Van Horn: No, I couldn't.
Jack Gallo: Are you sure?
Nina Van Horn: I'm quite certain. The judge was most explicit on that point.
Narrator: We now return to the office of Blush / Where Finch has just accused Nina of being a lush.
Maya Gallo: I happen to think some people look good in casual.
Nina Van Horn: Like who?
Maya Gallo: Well, like me.
Nina Van Horn: Good God, that's a fashion statement? I thought you were just allergic to everything else.
Narrator: And then a thought popped into his head / A thought full of evil and malice and dread.
Dennis Finch: I'll teach them a lesson. Oh, yes.
Narrator: ...the evil Finch ranted / This is one Finch who would not be taken for granted / He asked for a yard, and they gave him an inch / So this year, Christmas would be stolen by a Finch.
Narrator: For Nina, a gift she would surely despise /Some cheap wrinkle cream, industrial size / Now it was Elliot's turn to get his digs / For the bald man, a set of flowing blond wigs / For Maya and Jack, gifts equally vicious / The Finch's revenge would be awfully delicious.
Maya Gallo: [Nina comes wearing casual wear] Nina, look at you!
Nina Van Horn: You'll never guess who I met last night. J. Crew!
Maya Gallo: Huh?
Nina Van Horn: Yes, Maya, there is a J. Crew. And he helped me rediscover the true spirit of casual wear. I walked to work, and I was warm and comfortable in a way I haven't felt since I was a little girl.
Maya Gallo: But...
Nina Van Horn: I know you don't believe me, but J. Crew lives inside each and every one of us.
Maya Gallo: Nina, I called the company, and you were right. There is no J. Crew. There never was. He doesn't exist.
Nina Van Horn: Then who the hell did I sleep with last night?
Narrator: Now, I don't know for sure, but so I am told / The Finch's black heart turned completely to gold.
Dennis Finch: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Narrator: For once Finch felt like more than a peasant / Then he noticed that Elliot had opened his present.
Elliot DiMauro: "To Elliot from Finch: Take that, you bald-headed loser!" What the hell?
Narrator: But the Finch is clever, he always survives.
Dennis Finch: [Pulls on fire alarm] Fire! Fire! Run for your lives!
Narrator: And those jingle bells rang from New York to New Jersey / Merry Christmas to all, and happy Hannukah to Persky.
Persky: Thank you, sir?
Dennis Finch: I'll do it, because a gift is its own reward. Although since it's Christmas, a better reward would be a new set of wheels. Prefably a moped, with a sidecar for the honeys.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, you're not getting a moped.
Dennis Finch: Moped, motorscooter, whatever.
Jack Gallo: Guess what I have in here?
Dennis Finch: A human head?
Jack Gallo: Better. Hannah's new puppy. Isn't he adorable? I'd love to cuddle you and hold youand hug you forever... Okay, gotta run.
Bartender: What'll you have?
Nina Van Horn: Something Christmassy, say... double scotch on the rocks.
Bartender: Why is that Christmassy?
Nina Van Horn: What are you, a priest? Just pour.
Nina Van Horn: You're joking, right?
Elliot DiMauro: What do you mean?
Nina Van Horn: That's not a Christmas tree. It's all scrawny and anemic and it looks like it hasn't seen daylight in months.
Elliot DiMauro: So do you!
Nina Van Horn: We live in a world gone mad! I swear I'd sleep with the next man I see wearing a hat.
[Elliot enters wearing a beret]
Dennis Finch: Run, dude!
Narrator: Finch opened his present with great anticipation / Everyone had pitched in, so he had hight expectations / He opened the bag, it made his blood curdle / His gift was a calendar shaped like a turtle.
Dennis Finch: "Turtles of the World"?
Narrator: He said with great rage / Turtles and turtles on every page.