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Narrator: In a borough just north of the island of Staten / Neath the towers that tower over the isle of Manhattan / Streets were aglitter like a sequined drag queen / And Christmas joy was aflush at Blush magazine / The workers wrapped presents with a nip and a tuck / Everyone was happy...

Maya Gallo: God, people suck!

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Narrator: He expressed his displeasure with color and flair / Using words that our censors would not let us share.

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Nina Van Horn: Everyone is so quick to blame the absentee father, but let me tell you something: it's casual wear that's ruining this society.

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Elliot DiMauro: Christmas is so depressing. It's gotten too comercial, it's lost all its spiritual meaning.

Dennis Finch: No it hasn't. That is such a cliché.

Jack Gallo: Check this out! Lollipops in the shape of Jesus.

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Jack Gallo: How about you, Nina? You like bouncing young men on your lap.

Nina Van Horn: No, I couldn't.

Jack Gallo: Are you sure?

Nina Van Horn: I'm quite certain. The judge was most explicit on that point.

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Narrator: We now return to the office of Blush / Where Finch has just accused Nina of being a lush.

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Maya Gallo: I happen to think some people look good in casual.

Nina Van Horn: Like who?

Maya Gallo: Well, like me.

Nina Van Horn: Good God, that's a fashion statement? I thought you were just allergic to everything else.

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Nina Van Horn: Maya, Maya. Poor, naive woman-child Maya.

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Narrator: And then a thought popped into his head / A thought full of evil and malice and dread.

Dennis Finch: I'll teach them a lesson. Oh, yes.

Narrator: ...the evil Finch ranted / This is one Finch who would not be taken for granted / He asked for a yard, and they gave him an inch / So this year, Christmas would be stolen by a Finch.

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Narrator: For Nina, a gift she would surely despise /Some cheap wrinkle cream, industrial size / Now it was Elliot's turn to get his digs / For the bald man, a set of flowing blond wigs / For Maya and Jack, gifts equally vicious / The Finch's revenge would be awfully delicious.

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Maya Gallo: [Nina comes wearing casual wear] Nina, look at you!

Nina Van Horn: You'll never guess who I met last night. J. Crew!

Maya Gallo: Huh?

Nina Van Horn: Yes, Maya, there is a J. Crew. And he helped me rediscover the true spirit of casual wear. I walked to work, and I was warm and comfortable in a way I haven't felt since I was a little girl.

Maya Gallo: But...

Nina Van Horn: I know you don't believe me, but J. Crew lives inside each and every one of us.

Maya Gallo: Nina, I called the company, and you were right. There is no J. Crew. There never was. He doesn't exist.

Nina Van Horn: Then who the hell did I sleep with last night?

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Narrator: Now, I don't know for sure, but so I am told / The Finch's black heart turned completely to gold.

Dennis Finch: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Narrator: For once Finch felt like more than a peasant / Then he noticed that Elliot had opened his present.

Elliot DiMauro: "To Elliot from Finch: Take that, you bald-headed loser!" What the hell?

Narrator: But the Finch is clever, he always survives.

Dennis Finch: [Pulls on fire alarm] Fire! Fire! Run for your lives!

Narrator: And those jingle bells rang from New York to New Jersey / Merry Christmas to all, and happy Hannukah to Persky.

Persky: Thank you, sir?

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Dennis Finch: I'll do it, because a gift is its own reward. Although since it's Christmas, a better reward would be a new set of wheels. Prefably a moped, with a sidecar for the honeys.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, you're not getting a moped.

Dennis Finch: Moped, motorscooter, whatever.

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Jack Gallo: Guess what I have in here?

Dennis Finch: A human head?

Jack Gallo: Better. Hannah's new puppy. Isn't he adorable? I'd love to cuddle you and hold youand hug you forever... Okay, gotta run.

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Bartender: What'll you have?

Nina Van Horn: Something Christmassy, say... double scotch on the rocks.

Bartender: Why is that Christmassy?

Nina Van Horn: What are you, a priest? Just pour.

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Nina Van Horn: You're joking, right?

Elliot DiMauro: What do you mean?

Nina Van Horn: That's not a Christmas tree. It's all scrawny and anemic and it looks like it hasn't seen daylight in months.

Elliot DiMauro: So do you!

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Nina Van Horn: We live in a world gone mad! I swear I'd sleep with the next man I see wearing a hat.

[Elliot enters wearing a beret]

Dennis Finch: Run, dude!

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Narrator: Finch opened his present with great anticipation / Everyone had pitched in, so he had hight expectations / He opened the bag, it made his blood curdle / His gift was a calendar shaped like a turtle.

Dennis Finch: "Turtles of the World"?

Narrator: He said with great rage / Turtles and turtles on every page.

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Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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